Long time
I've been having lots of dreams lately. And I can remember them at certain points in the day, and I can think of them as soon as I wake up, but as soon as I began this journal, they crept into a dark hiding place, where I cannot find them. Last night I tossed and turned. I hate it. However much I don't sleep though, I find myself that much more productive the next day strangley.
I know that I'm growing less and less fufilled. Chet and I have been together going on a year now. Our relationship moved so fast at the begining. I can't begin to describe how scared I was and how fast I fell and how much I gave that he has yet to return. And despite the velocity you'd expect it to have now, since it started so fast, we've grown to a crawl. I feel like it's going no where. WE've bought a house together, and I fear it will never be a home, because we are not ever there, and it's not filled with love. I am becomming more and more paranoid, that it was amistake.. I'm also begining to doubt myself a lot more. Because I feel like I can never measure up to the ex wife that he misses so much. I want to hold in all my feelings and act as though none of this bothers me, but it does. It bothers me so much that I cannot bottle it up for the pressure is just too great.
It's eating me up. I can't escape the feeling of disappointment in myself, him and the relationship that I thought we had. He constantly tells me, "I like you Holly" and at first I took great offense to it, because I am always saying I love you to him. And then I was grateful that he would rather not lie to me, but now it's just annoying. Because I don't see why I should put up with so much crap from one guy who is not making me happy, when I could be alone and be happier than I am with him. I am not sure what I'm in it for anymore, and it's sad, because the longer he waits to let himself love, the thicker I build the wall to deflect any pain coming my way. And the less likely I am to accept his love when it finally comes. I might just as well break up with him, rather than stifle who I am to be with him.
I know that I'm growing less and less fufilled. Chet and I have been together going on a year now. Our relationship moved so fast at the begining. I can't begin to describe how scared I was and how fast I fell and how much I gave that he has yet to return. And despite the velocity you'd expect it to have now, since it started so fast, we've grown to a crawl. I feel like it's going no where. WE've bought a house together, and I fear it will never be a home, because we are not ever there, and it's not filled with love. I am becomming more and more paranoid, that it was amistake.. I'm also begining to doubt myself a lot more. Because I feel like I can never measure up to the ex wife that he misses so much. I want to hold in all my feelings and act as though none of this bothers me, but it does. It bothers me so much that I cannot bottle it up for the pressure is just too great.
It's eating me up. I can't escape the feeling of disappointment in myself, him and the relationship that I thought we had. He constantly tells me, "I like you Holly" and at first I took great offense to it, because I am always saying I love you to him. And then I was grateful that he would rather not lie to me, but now it's just annoying. Because I don't see why I should put up with so much crap from one guy who is not making me happy, when I could be alone and be happier than I am with him. I am not sure what I'm in it for anymore, and it's sad, because the longer he waits to let himself love, the thicker I build the wall to deflect any pain coming my way. And the less likely I am to accept his love when it finally comes. I might just as well break up with him, rather than stifle who I am to be with him.