(no subject)
It's been a while since I've posted. I'm not really sure where to start.
I just spent like forty mins reading all of Lindsay's posts. Congrats! I'm so out of the damn loop, but Killian is adorable!!!
On another note, I'm in like some weird, funky, unexplainable mood. I've been in a daze for like a week already. I haven't seen Jess in over a week (minus the thirty mins when jess took me to buy windshield wipers on Monday because it was pouring and mine didn't work). It suck so bad...I can't even accept the fact that we actually broke up, like what I think is a real break up. We have the tendency to fight and "break up" every once in a while (more in the beginning, not so much lately) but we ALWAYS fix things, end up together, and things are great. But this time, Jess informed me that she's actually attempting to get over me. When we had this conversation, my heart sank. I couldn't believe it...and I really still can't. It's been so awkward when we talk (which now, is like once a day, if that). I swear, my heart is broken into so many damn pieces...I don't know what to do to myself. I haven't told anyone really. I mean, what good what it do? Initially I didn't tell anyone that we had been fighting because I didn't want to tell people that we "broke up" and then the next day we would have fixed everything, and things would have been great. But now, I think I know in my heart that this time its different. I'm hoping to whatever god/higher power that there is out there that this is not permanent because now i realize that i fucking love my relationship, and i dont care what anyone says about it or thinks. I'm so in love, and its all i want. I've always known that, but now it just feels so real for me. I dont really know how else to describe it. I haven't been able to keep my thoughts in order lately. Its like everything in my head is jumbled to mush...and I can't pick out anything. I'm like a zombie...I've gone through the last week not really seeing, feeling, hearing or anything. I dont feel good ever. My phone goes off RARELY and when it does, i look right away to see if its jess. I'm disappointed when its not. Usually when we talk, if it ends badly, I go back into this daze-like state. This is impossible. Every little thing i see or hear reminds me of some aspect of our relationship. I feel like we live on seperate planets...not like we live in the same neighborhood. I'm careful about not passing by her house...I'm afraid to look down thestreet, not see her car and then my mind is going to start racing about what COULD be happening...which is completely fucking bonkers, because I trust the shit out of her, and I know nothing wrong is going on. But its more of a bad habit (this whole acting like i dont trust jess thing) and not something that I do because i actually believe that she's untrustworthy. I'm such a girl! And i dont know what i do the things i do, and why i drove her away. Right now, i'm just trying to focus on getting my final exams over with. And I want to get past christmas. I usually either go visit my brother with my parents, or spend the holiday with jess's family (which i've done a few years in a row now). But I let my parents know that I'm not going to go with them this year, I'd rather go visit my brother some other time, when it's not a holiday (probably for his birthday in january) and I also let jess know that i'm not going to go to her house, because it's awkward enough between us, so i can only imagine how awkward it'll be between me and her family. So I plan on spending it home, alone, with my pets. It'll be nice, and hopefully nobody will bother me. I saw them putting up signs at the sonic drive thru that they're open on christmas, which is good for me. So I'm planning on getting something from there as my xmas dinner. Ah, I can't even keep up with myself. For the most part, I can go long periods of time without crying about it. But there are some moments...where it just gets me...and I cant stop crying. i cry for a good half hour straight: flat-out bawling. I cant help but wonder if jess had cried over me. I think maybe i dont cry all the time because i try not to think about it...i put it in the back of my mind. like my heart is hardened..to prevent feeling pain. i wonder when it will catch up to me the worst. I cant even imagine how it could get any worse really...i feel so empty, lost. Its hard to not want to end it now...because i dont know what to do. my foundation has been ripped out from under me. this is utterly exhausting. I'm going to find something to do that will make me sleepy...even though i already slept for hours.
fml right now.
I just spent like forty mins reading all of Lindsay's posts. Congrats! I'm so out of the damn loop, but Killian is adorable!!!
On another note, I'm in like some weird, funky, unexplainable mood. I've been in a daze for like a week already. I haven't seen Jess in over a week (minus the thirty mins when jess took me to buy windshield wipers on Monday because it was pouring and mine didn't work). It suck so bad...I can't even accept the fact that we actually broke up, like what I think is a real break up. We have the tendency to fight and "break up" every once in a while (more in the beginning, not so much lately) but we ALWAYS fix things, end up together, and things are great. But this time, Jess informed me that she's actually attempting to get over me. When we had this conversation, my heart sank. I couldn't believe it...and I really still can't. It's been so awkward when we talk (which now, is like once a day, if that). I swear, my heart is broken into so many damn pieces...I don't know what to do to myself. I haven't told anyone really. I mean, what good what it do? Initially I didn't tell anyone that we had been fighting because I didn't want to tell people that we "broke up" and then the next day we would have fixed everything, and things would have been great. But now, I think I know in my heart that this time its different. I'm hoping to whatever god/higher power that there is out there that this is not permanent because now i realize that i fucking love my relationship, and i dont care what anyone says about it or thinks. I'm so in love, and its all i want. I've always known that, but now it just feels so real for me. I dont really know how else to describe it. I haven't been able to keep my thoughts in order lately. Its like everything in my head is jumbled to mush...and I can't pick out anything. I'm like a zombie...I've gone through the last week not really seeing, feeling, hearing or anything. I dont feel good ever. My phone goes off RARELY and when it does, i look right away to see if its jess. I'm disappointed when its not. Usually when we talk, if it ends badly, I go back into this daze-like state. This is impossible. Every little thing i see or hear reminds me of some aspect of our relationship. I feel like we live on seperate planets...not like we live in the same neighborhood. I'm careful about not passing by her house...I'm afraid to look down thestreet, not see her car and then my mind is going to start racing about what COULD be happening...which is completely fucking bonkers, because I trust the shit out of her, and I know nothing wrong is going on. But its more of a bad habit (this whole acting like i dont trust jess thing) and not something that I do because i actually believe that she's untrustworthy. I'm such a girl! And i dont know what i do the things i do, and why i drove her away. Right now, i'm just trying to focus on getting my final exams over with. And I want to get past christmas. I usually either go visit my brother with my parents, or spend the holiday with jess's family (which i've done a few years in a row now). But I let my parents know that I'm not going to go with them this year, I'd rather go visit my brother some other time, when it's not a holiday (probably for his birthday in january) and I also let jess know that i'm not going to go to her house, because it's awkward enough between us, so i can only imagine how awkward it'll be between me and her family. So I plan on spending it home, alone, with my pets. It'll be nice, and hopefully nobody will bother me. I saw them putting up signs at the sonic drive thru that they're open on christmas, which is good for me. So I'm planning on getting something from there as my xmas dinner. Ah, I can't even keep up with myself. For the most part, I can go long periods of time without crying about it. But there are some moments...where it just gets me...and I cant stop crying. i cry for a good half hour straight: flat-out bawling. I cant help but wonder if jess had cried over me. I think maybe i dont cry all the time because i try not to think about it...i put it in the back of my mind. like my heart is hardened..to prevent feeling pain. i wonder when it will catch up to me the worst. I cant even imagine how it could get any worse really...i feel so empty, lost. Its hard to not want to end it now...because i dont know what to do. my foundation has been ripped out from under me. this is utterly exhausting. I'm going to find something to do that will make me sleepy...even though i already slept for hours.
fml right now.