Chapter 16- A Journey in the Dark
Frodo: Himself
Sam: Fiona
Pippin: Riga
Merry: Meara
Gandalf: Scott
Boromir: John
Legolas: Stephanie
Gimli: Scila
Aragorn: Cristy
Radagast the Brown: Stickman
It was evening, and the grey light was again waning fast, when they finally halted for the night. They were all very weary and the wind blew mercilessly cold from the North. Meara and Fiona were running around wearily, jumping up and down each with an arm in Meara’s lama jacket attempting to stay warm...it wasn’t working.
“This place is sooooo cold!!!! The world...shiver...is against me!” said Fiona mid teeth-chatter as she collapsed lifeless to the floor.
“You little people do that a lot don’t you?” asked a very puzzled Stephanie.
“Get up Fiona, we are almost there. See there are the walls. The front gate must be somewhere around here. And then we can sleep.” Whispered Meara as she pulled her companion up.
“What walls?” asked Scila as she tried to cross out the word “GENIUS” that someone had (mistakenly) written on Fiona’s backpack.
“You are the dwarf! You’re supposed to know!” muttered the angry elf. She was cold, she was tired, she was sick and she was dirty (SHE WAS AGGRIVATED!)!
“Hey! Who you calling dwarf, dwarf!!!” grumbled Scila.
“What’s a dwarf?” asked Riga.
"Silence you ignorant fools!!!" growled Scott.
"You, warrior dude, MARCH!" he continued as he saw John try to; try being the underlined word, sneak away subtly.
"NO! AND YOU KNOW WHAT?! DUDE LOOKS LIKE A LADY!!!!” screamed John for no logical apparent reason as he lunged at the wizard, but was sadly, quickly kicked down by Cristy.
“THE COHESIVENESS STARTS NOW!!!” growled the angry Ranger.
"Why is there so much hate?!" whimpered Fiona as she slowly revived to the screaming.
Riga growled and glared at Frodo.
After staring expressionless at Frodo for a few moments, Riga’s face suddenly lit up as an idea came to her.
“Oi, Frodo!” she said, “Wanna play TIG?!”
Frodo stood there confused for a second, and then he realized that Riga was referring to his one and only favorite game that could only possibly get better if he could get his hands on the rulebook! He smiled exuberantly, like a little puppy that had a treat dangling just over its nose...how cute...*GAG* Meara and Fiona jumped up.
Fiona said sweetly in an exceptionally high-pitched voice, “Let’s play too, Meara! YAY!”
John covered his ears.
Meara tugged at her jacket, “Okie Dokie,” she said, “But since we’re splitting up, I get the lama jacket!”
Fiona’s eyes widened, “OK nevermind then! It’s way too cold!”
The Siamese twins sat down to rest, while Scott began to poke at them to try and see if they were really attached. Pretty soon Meara got angry...
“SCOTT! Stop doing that! The chewing of your Skittles is annoying me sooo badly! And believe it or not I have a baseball bat hidden under here! Steel, too! And I am NOT afraid to use it!”
Scott took the hint and ran ahead to try and find the doors to the mines.
Meanwhile, Riga was poking at Frodo and screaming, “TUG!” While Meara shouted at her continuously that “Tug,” was against the rules in this game! Eventually Riga got fed up and just dragged Frodo into the trees with her to play Tig without distractions (or protection???).
Meara saw a vicious look in the eyes of the Took as she half dragged Frodo into the woods, and was frightened that she would try another of her “Let’s kill Mr. Frodo and be happy!” plans. But Meara comforted herself with the fact that Riga’s malicious plans always failed...she was too cold to get up and save him, anyhow.
“TIG!!!!!” screamed Frodo happily as he ran about in circles for no apparent reason.
“TOG!” screeched Riga just as happily.
“TIG!” yelled Frodo.
“Frodo, how many times do I have to tell you, you can’t double TIG after a TOG! Now you have to go deep into the woods and count to three thousand and four, shake hands with a porcupine and stick your head in a bear’s mouth.” Replied the deceitful hobbit through clenched smiling teeth.
“All that!” meeped Frodo. “That’s not in the rulebook.”
“YOU don’t own the rulebook! I happen to have an authentic limited edition autographed copy!” smiled Riga. “Now...MOVE IT!”
“Oh, alright, hold your horses.” Grumbled Frodo as he pulled his cloak tighter around him and adjusted his pigeon.
“Is there any special direction I have to go?” he asked finally.
“Not really, oh I forgot you have to be blindfolded, oh and where this sign!” she mumbled hurriedly as she quickly covered his eyes with a blind fold and placed a sign round his neck that said “NOW FOR A LIMITED TIME OFFER THE PIGEON OF DOOM! WORKS AS ONE WAY WALKIE TALKIE WITH THE DARK LORD. HOBBIT COMES FREE!” and in small print at the bottom “No returns or refunds on the hobbit”, pushed him hard and ran on back to the encampment.
MEANWHILE
“Have you found it yet Scila?” meeped Fiona as she tugged the jacket tighter,
“No, man this is crazy, and that girl won’t stop mooning over the ferret and help me!!” growled the dwarf as she tapped on the stone with her axe.
“It’s called pining Scila!” shivered Meara.
“I am not! GO AHEAD DO YOU SEE ANY PINE CONES!” screamed Cristy as she burst into tears.
“There, there, warrior women lady. You have high cheekbones, and a good facial structure.” Whispered Stephanie comfortingly as she patted her on the back.
“OH PLEASE GOD GET ME OUT OF HERE!!!!!” screamed John close to hysterics!
“And they went to the Doctor and the Doctor said ‘No more monkeys jumping on the bed!!’” mumbled an already hysteric Scott as he chuckled to himself and started petting his leg.
“Fiona, that man is really starting to scare me!” whispered Meara.
“He just needs caffeine!” replied the all knowing Fiona cheerfully as the wizard started twitching and convulsing wildly.
Suddenly, Riga appeared from behind the bushes, smiling happily and singing the beaver song, only with porcupines instead. (That was a really bad sentence).
Stephanie went to greet her and Riga gave her a hug. The tall elf then leaned over and whispered,
“Did you manage to get rid of the little guy?”
Riga shouted gleefully, “Of course! Oh the happiness! And no refunds on hobbits! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAA! Gone for GOOD!”
Stephanie shushed the overexcited hobbit,
“Quiet! The longer we go without them noticing, the greater the chance that he’ll be dead and unsavable once they do notice. But if you get this pigeon lost it is not my problem! I just wanna go home and wash my hair!”
Riga’s eyes widened in fear that someone might save Frodo.
“We can never let that happen!” she said in the most serious voice ever. Then she started giggling madly at their antics.
Meara and Fiona, oblivious to everything going on, and minds numb from the cold, yelled at Riga and Stephanie to stop the chattering and come over and get Scott to stop poking them.
Meanwhile, Scila, Cristy, and John were having an extremely heated argument about sexual orientation. Cristy was trying to prove her point that all male wizards and elves in positions of power were gay.
Scila held her virgin ears most of the time during this unorthodox conversation, every once in a while popping up to mention that Geoffrey was never gay, and only greatly confused. John was ignoring Cristy’s never- ending tirade directed at the dwarf, and busied himself by throwing confusing glances at Scott trying to catch the wizard off guard.
Unfortunately, the wizard seemed to have overdosed on his Skittles. He was talking to himself...again...and nervously pressing himself up against the walls of the cliff, sliding along them trying to keep up with the others who were farther ahead. He didn’t seem to be noticing John’s attempts at Wizard Distraction, so John turned back to Scila and muttered just for her amusement.
“You homophobe! Don’t hate! Appreciate!”
Scila shot a look of pure annoyance at John as she exclaimed “Hey! Little man! That is my line! And you stole it! I do not appreciate that!”
“HA HA!” screamed John Nelson Style.
“Shut up Steve Sherman! Can I call you Sherman?” growled the aggravated and provoked dwarf.
“No!” grouched the poor adorable warrior dude.
Suddenly, the whole fellowship (with the exception of a certain someone who was having a rendezvous with a porcupine, a bear, and a horny leprechaun who could read signs [leprechaun?] at the moment) was startled out of their wits by Scott, who suddenly began jumping up and down like a madman in front of the rocks and screeching at the top of his lungs,
“I’ve found it! The way into the mines! What’s that I hear...ROLLARCOASTERS!!!!! YAY!”
“WHAT?!?!?!” screamed Meara and Fiona simultaneously as they turned deathly pale.
“NO WAY, I HATE THOSE THINGS!” screamed Meara as she backed away from the entrance.
“NOT AGAIN ALLI!!!” screamed the dwarf.
“No you guys! Those are so scary!!!! They are high, and fast and high!!” muttered Fiona as she started to tremble.
“Chickenscratch!” muttered the Gondor Guy.
“Am not!” muttered Meara.
“Am too!” screamed Fiona.
“No you guys, they are happy things!!! COME ON!” screamed the excited Took as she grabbed Meara and pulled her into the mines.
Stephanie grabbed Fiona just as she tried to make a quick exit and did the same.
Scila was starting to really freak out and had remained silent during this whole epiphany.
“Hey! I’m a dwarf! I know the side entrance! Hehehehehehe NO ALLI, NOT THIS TIME!!!” she screamed maniacally as she disappeared into the woods.
MEANWHILE....
FRODO IS BEING CHASED BY 50 FANGIRLS AND 1 HORNY ORC: NOOOOOOO!!! I DON’T THINK THIS IS IN THE RULEBOOK!!!!
MEANWHILEWHILE....
“Hey Ho to the bottle I go to heal my heart and drown my woe!!!!!!” screamed Stephanie and Riga as they frolicked and dragged the two other flustered hobbits through the line to the roller coaster.
“SHUT UP!!!!!!! YOU ARE NOT HELPING!!!!!” screamed Meara as she gulped audibly as they passed another skeleton for the umpteenth time!
“HEY YOU LOOKED LIKE ARAGORN, NO LEGOLAS, AND *GASP* NO JOHNNY DEPP!!!!!!! CAN I HUG YOU???” screeched Riga is a high pitched wail.
Meara was too busy weeping to respond.
“Hey! I like THIS SONG!!!! AND I WOULD WALK 500 MILES AND I WOULD WALK 500 MORE!!!!” sung an easily distracted Fiona as they ran past the line for the red dragon and suddenly turned a corner and straight into a line of TOURISTS!!!!!!!!!!!!!
“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!” SCREAMED THE HOBBITS!
“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!” SCREAMED THE TOURISTS!
After about three full minutes of staring, gasping, hyperventilating and continuous screaming Fiona quickly turned around, grabbed Meara and Riga and dashed out of the tunnel the way they had come.
“There’s people over there!!!” whimpered the very panicked and very scared Fiona.
“That’s what you get for singing and prancing in public!” growled Meara as she tried to breath deeply and go to her happy place.
“Arg, Meara! Why are you acting all negative? You are such a Scila! Are you embarrassed of us too?” complained the high-pitched Riga.
“Yes.” Replied Meara readily.
Riga stuck out her tongue at the party pooper “Lord Geoffrey wouldn’t think twice before prancing with us!
“I told you that bitch was gay!” exclaimed Scila as she appeared from a mystical magical SIDE ENTERANCE.
“Homophobe!” shrieked Riga.
“I am not a homophobe! Leave me alone!!” growled the dwarf.
“Poor the world!!” exclaimed a completely and utterly randomly depressed Fiona.
The dwarf continued oblivious. “And I’m copy written, that’s like a major lawsuit!”
“If a tangent line is a kiss on the cheek, then what is a secant line??” remarked an even more utterly and completely randomly depressed and very sick Elf. (Fiona had *cough* again spread her “happy” germs)
“PRESUME!” exclaimed Meara happily.
Scott, who had just decided to be all professional about directing this Fellowship suddenly, screamed “Will you little people be quiet!!!”
~SILENCE~
“Now then” continued the wizard. “That’s much better. Now everyone turn around and get back on line for that ride! I will not miss this chance to get adrenalinized!!!!”
“But...” started Fiona.
“NOW!” Scott screamed menacingly.
“You know I wouldn’t mind it so much if this supposedly Chinese woman kicked him off a cliff.” Whispered Meara aside to Riga.
“I HEARD THAT!” growled the angry wizard as he started to slurp on his milkshake.
“HEY! WHERE DID YOU GET THAT!? WE GOTTA GO BACK! I WANT ONE!” screamed Riga as she began to jump up and down.
During all this, they had been slowly moving farther and farther in line and were slowly approaching the entrance to the roller coaster in which they would have to “Choose their Dragon!”
Fiona was starting to convulse.
Suddenly, a giant crow, the SIZE OF A HOUSE landed just behind Fiona and looked as if it where about to launch a full formed attack on the poor hobbit in attempts of commandeering her hair clip.
“Uh, Fiona.” Muttered Meara as she pointed to the bird behind the oblivious hobbit. “You might want to turn around.”
“Wha.......” Started Fiona as she slowly turned around.
The bird and the hobbit stared at each other for about 5 seconds and had a MOMENT before...
“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! GOOOO AWAY BIRD!!!” screamed a hysterical Fiona as she started jumping up and down.
The bird quickly shot off into the dimly lit tunnel obviously terrified by Fiona’s high pitched yelp-moan.
“Ok, it’s gone now. Calm down Fiona.” Replied Meara calmingly.
“I will not calm down, that bird was after blood. THE WORLD IS AGAINST ME!!!” screamed a hobbit in hysterics!
Cristy finally came out of her pensive reverie that she had been in ever since the whole secant comment. “Then the oval office should not be called the oval office, it should be called the elliptical office!!!!”
“More like the oral office!....” muttered a incoherent Gondor Warrior Dude. “WHAT???”
“DIE CIRCLE SQUIRREL!!!!” screamed a hysteric Riga as she attempted to lunge in his general direction.
“What are you people on?!??!?!?” exclaimed John as he easily held her at arms length with one hand on her forehead.
“Hobbits!” muttered Scott.
“Humans!” muttered Stephanie.
Suddenly, a loud eerie voice filled the tunnel.
“Hello and thank you for tuning in to 344.9, your only station for parabolas, parametric equations, and Meara bashing?!” replied the evil tawny, garboffman’s voice!!!!
“I didn’t tune in to anything?” stated a very puzzled Fiona.
“Since when are their radio stations in underground mountain range cave things?” quipped the puzzled Ranger.
“You are well traveled aren’t you!” muttered the irritable Scotty- Boy.
“NOT AGAIN!!! WHERE IS HE THIS TIME! TAWNY MAN IF YOU ARE IN SO MUCH AS A THREE MILE RADIUS OF ME YOU WILL REGRET IT!!!” exclaimed a very provoked Meara.
Stickman ignored Meara’s umpteenth threat and continued “Don’t hate appreciate!”
“HEY YOU DID NOT JUST DO THAT! I AM COPY WRITTEN PEOPLE!” yelled the very angry and irate dwarf person who was actually tall!
Stickman ignored the previous comment as well “On today’s show we will be discussing Daniela’s adventures in Forceful Fruit Fly Mating (AP Bio)”
“THAT’S SO MEAN!! HOW CAN THEY FIND THEIR SOUL MATES?” whined Fiona in very high-pitched trill.
“They don’t have soul mates, they’re bugs!” replied the ingenious Took.
Fiona looked about ready to cry.
“MATE DAMN YOU!!!” exclaimed Meara happily!
Everyone turned around and looked at her very confusedly.
Stephanie: I am glad we decided not to let them go alone.
Meanwhile, Scott had been having a heated conversation with some guy with long hair in front of them in the line; they were now getting ready to get in their seats.
“It’s called a tangent because when people throw slingshots with rocks in them they throw them in random tangents.” Explained the informed wizard.
“Well, in all honesty, parabolas are more of a Janet Jackson thing! Personally, I hate it when my parabola falls.” Stated the Random Hairy Scary Flasher Dude.
“I love you!!” exclaimed Riga.
“HUG!”
As Fiona looked around for a quick exit as she was forcefully latched into her seat, she noticed they were one little person short... “Where’s Frodo?” she whimpered as they started to clack up the hill.
“RIIIGGAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!”
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Frodo: Himself
Sam: Fiona
Pippin: Riga
Merry: Meara
Gandalf: Scott
Boromir: John
Legolas: Stephanie
Gimli: Scila
Aragorn: Cristy
Radagast the Brown: Stickman
It was evening, and the grey light was again waning fast, when they finally halted for the night. They were all very weary and the wind blew mercilessly cold from the North. Meara and Fiona were running around wearily, jumping up and down each with an arm in Meara’s lama jacket attempting to stay warm...it wasn’t working.
“This place is sooooo cold!!!! The world...shiver...is against me!” said Fiona mid teeth-chatter as she collapsed lifeless to the floor.
“You little people do that a lot don’t you?” asked a very puzzled Stephanie.
“Get up Fiona, we are almost there. See there are the walls. The front gate must be somewhere around here. And then we can sleep.” Whispered Meara as she pulled her companion up.
“What walls?” asked Scila as she tried to cross out the word “GENIUS” that someone had (mistakenly) written on Fiona’s backpack.
“You are the dwarf! You’re supposed to know!” muttered the angry elf. She was cold, she was tired, she was sick and she was dirty (SHE WAS AGGRIVATED!)!
“Hey! Who you calling dwarf, dwarf!!!” grumbled Scila.
“What’s a dwarf?” asked Riga.
"Silence you ignorant fools!!!" growled Scott.
"You, warrior dude, MARCH!" he continued as he saw John try to; try being the underlined word, sneak away subtly.
"NO! AND YOU KNOW WHAT?! DUDE LOOKS LIKE A LADY!!!!” screamed John for no logical apparent reason as he lunged at the wizard, but was sadly, quickly kicked down by Cristy.
“THE COHESIVENESS STARTS NOW!!!” growled the angry Ranger.
"Why is there so much hate?!" whimpered Fiona as she slowly revived to the screaming.
Riga growled and glared at Frodo.
After staring expressionless at Frodo for a few moments, Riga’s face suddenly lit up as an idea came to her.
“Oi, Frodo!” she said, “Wanna play TIG?!”
Frodo stood there confused for a second, and then he realized that Riga was referring to his one and only favorite game that could only possibly get better if he could get his hands on the rulebook! He smiled exuberantly, like a little puppy that had a treat dangling just over its nose...how cute...*GAG* Meara and Fiona jumped up.
Fiona said sweetly in an exceptionally high-pitched voice, “Let’s play too, Meara! YAY!”
John covered his ears.
Meara tugged at her jacket, “Okie Dokie,” she said, “But since we’re splitting up, I get the lama jacket!”
Fiona’s eyes widened, “OK nevermind then! It’s way too cold!”
The Siamese twins sat down to rest, while Scott began to poke at them to try and see if they were really attached. Pretty soon Meara got angry...
“SCOTT! Stop doing that! The chewing of your Skittles is annoying me sooo badly! And believe it or not I have a baseball bat hidden under here! Steel, too! And I am NOT afraid to use it!”
Scott took the hint and ran ahead to try and find the doors to the mines.
Meanwhile, Riga was poking at Frodo and screaming, “TUG!” While Meara shouted at her continuously that “Tug,” was against the rules in this game! Eventually Riga got fed up and just dragged Frodo into the trees with her to play Tig without distractions (or protection???).
Meara saw a vicious look in the eyes of the Took as she half dragged Frodo into the woods, and was frightened that she would try another of her “Let’s kill Mr. Frodo and be happy!” plans. But Meara comforted herself with the fact that Riga’s malicious plans always failed...she was too cold to get up and save him, anyhow.
“TIG!!!!!” screamed Frodo happily as he ran about in circles for no apparent reason.
“TOG!” screeched Riga just as happily.
“TIG!” yelled Frodo.
“Frodo, how many times do I have to tell you, you can’t double TIG after a TOG! Now you have to go deep into the woods and count to three thousand and four, shake hands with a porcupine and stick your head in a bear’s mouth.” Replied the deceitful hobbit through clenched smiling teeth.
“All that!” meeped Frodo. “That’s not in the rulebook.”
“YOU don’t own the rulebook! I happen to have an authentic limited edition autographed copy!” smiled Riga. “Now...MOVE IT!”
“Oh, alright, hold your horses.” Grumbled Frodo as he pulled his cloak tighter around him and adjusted his pigeon.
“Is there any special direction I have to go?” he asked finally.
“Not really, oh I forgot you have to be blindfolded, oh and where this sign!” she mumbled hurriedly as she quickly covered his eyes with a blind fold and placed a sign round his neck that said “NOW FOR A LIMITED TIME OFFER THE PIGEON OF DOOM! WORKS AS ONE WAY WALKIE TALKIE WITH THE DARK LORD. HOBBIT COMES FREE!” and in small print at the bottom “No returns or refunds on the hobbit”, pushed him hard and ran on back to the encampment.
MEANWHILE
“Have you found it yet Scila?” meeped Fiona as she tugged the jacket tighter,
“No, man this is crazy, and that girl won’t stop mooning over the ferret and help me!!” growled the dwarf as she tapped on the stone with her axe.
“It’s called pining Scila!” shivered Meara.
“I am not! GO AHEAD DO YOU SEE ANY PINE CONES!” screamed Cristy as she burst into tears.
“There, there, warrior women lady. You have high cheekbones, and a good facial structure.” Whispered Stephanie comfortingly as she patted her on the back.
“OH PLEASE GOD GET ME OUT OF HERE!!!!!” screamed John close to hysterics!
“And they went to the Doctor and the Doctor said ‘No more monkeys jumping on the bed!!’” mumbled an already hysteric Scott as he chuckled to himself and started petting his leg.
“Fiona, that man is really starting to scare me!” whispered Meara.
“He just needs caffeine!” replied the all knowing Fiona cheerfully as the wizard started twitching and convulsing wildly.
Suddenly, Riga appeared from behind the bushes, smiling happily and singing the beaver song, only with porcupines instead. (That was a really bad sentence).
Stephanie went to greet her and Riga gave her a hug. The tall elf then leaned over and whispered,
“Did you manage to get rid of the little guy?”
Riga shouted gleefully, “Of course! Oh the happiness! And no refunds on hobbits! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAA! Gone for GOOD!”
Stephanie shushed the overexcited hobbit,
“Quiet! The longer we go without them noticing, the greater the chance that he’ll be dead and unsavable once they do notice. But if you get this pigeon lost it is not my problem! I just wanna go home and wash my hair!”
Riga’s eyes widened in fear that someone might save Frodo.
“We can never let that happen!” she said in the most serious voice ever. Then she started giggling madly at their antics.
Meara and Fiona, oblivious to everything going on, and minds numb from the cold, yelled at Riga and Stephanie to stop the chattering and come over and get Scott to stop poking them.
Meanwhile, Scila, Cristy, and John were having an extremely heated argument about sexual orientation. Cristy was trying to prove her point that all male wizards and elves in positions of power were gay.
Scila held her virgin ears most of the time during this unorthodox conversation, every once in a while popping up to mention that Geoffrey was never gay, and only greatly confused. John was ignoring Cristy’s never- ending tirade directed at the dwarf, and busied himself by throwing confusing glances at Scott trying to catch the wizard off guard.
Unfortunately, the wizard seemed to have overdosed on his Skittles. He was talking to himself...again...and nervously pressing himself up against the walls of the cliff, sliding along them trying to keep up with the others who were farther ahead. He didn’t seem to be noticing John’s attempts at Wizard Distraction, so John turned back to Scila and muttered just for her amusement.
“You homophobe! Don’t hate! Appreciate!”
Scila shot a look of pure annoyance at John as she exclaimed “Hey! Little man! That is my line! And you stole it! I do not appreciate that!”
“HA HA!” screamed John Nelson Style.
“Shut up Steve Sherman! Can I call you Sherman?” growled the aggravated and provoked dwarf.
“No!” grouched the poor adorable warrior dude.
Suddenly, the whole fellowship (with the exception of a certain someone who was having a rendezvous with a porcupine, a bear, and a horny leprechaun who could read signs [leprechaun?] at the moment) was startled out of their wits by Scott, who suddenly began jumping up and down like a madman in front of the rocks and screeching at the top of his lungs,
“I’ve found it! The way into the mines! What’s that I hear...ROLLARCOASTERS!!!!! YAY!”
“WHAT?!?!?!” screamed Meara and Fiona simultaneously as they turned deathly pale.
“NO WAY, I HATE THOSE THINGS!” screamed Meara as she backed away from the entrance.
“NOT AGAIN ALLI!!!” screamed the dwarf.
“No you guys! Those are so scary!!!! They are high, and fast and high!!” muttered Fiona as she started to tremble.
“Chickenscratch!” muttered the Gondor Guy.
“Am not!” muttered Meara.
“Am too!” screamed Fiona.
“No you guys, they are happy things!!! COME ON!” screamed the excited Took as she grabbed Meara and pulled her into the mines.
Stephanie grabbed Fiona just as she tried to make a quick exit and did the same.
Scila was starting to really freak out and had remained silent during this whole epiphany.
“Hey! I’m a dwarf! I know the side entrance! Hehehehehehe NO ALLI, NOT THIS TIME!!!” she screamed maniacally as she disappeared into the woods.
MEANWHILE....
FRODO IS BEING CHASED BY 50 FANGIRLS AND 1 HORNY ORC: NOOOOOOO!!! I DON’T THINK THIS IS IN THE RULEBOOK!!!!
MEANWHILEWHILE....
“Hey Ho to the bottle I go to heal my heart and drown my woe!!!!!!” screamed Stephanie and Riga as they frolicked and dragged the two other flustered hobbits through the line to the roller coaster.
“SHUT UP!!!!!!! YOU ARE NOT HELPING!!!!!” screamed Meara as she gulped audibly as they passed another skeleton for the umpteenth time!
“HEY YOU LOOKED LIKE ARAGORN, NO LEGOLAS, AND *GASP* NO JOHNNY DEPP!!!!!!! CAN I HUG YOU???” screeched Riga is a high pitched wail.
Meara was too busy weeping to respond.
“Hey! I like THIS SONG!!!! AND I WOULD WALK 500 MILES AND I WOULD WALK 500 MORE!!!!” sung an easily distracted Fiona as they ran past the line for the red dragon and suddenly turned a corner and straight into a line of TOURISTS!!!!!!!!!!!!!
“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!” SCREAMED THE HOBBITS!
“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!” SCREAMED THE TOURISTS!
After about three full minutes of staring, gasping, hyperventilating and continuous screaming Fiona quickly turned around, grabbed Meara and Riga and dashed out of the tunnel the way they had come.
“There’s people over there!!!” whimpered the very panicked and very scared Fiona.
“That’s what you get for singing and prancing in public!” growled Meara as she tried to breath deeply and go to her happy place.
“Arg, Meara! Why are you acting all negative? You are such a Scila! Are you embarrassed of us too?” complained the high-pitched Riga.
“Yes.” Replied Meara readily.
Riga stuck out her tongue at the party pooper “Lord Geoffrey wouldn’t think twice before prancing with us!
“I told you that bitch was gay!” exclaimed Scila as she appeared from a mystical magical SIDE ENTERANCE.
“Homophobe!” shrieked Riga.
“I am not a homophobe! Leave me alone!!” growled the dwarf.
“Poor the world!!” exclaimed a completely and utterly randomly depressed Fiona.
The dwarf continued oblivious. “And I’m copy written, that’s like a major lawsuit!”
“If a tangent line is a kiss on the cheek, then what is a secant line??” remarked an even more utterly and completely randomly depressed and very sick Elf. (Fiona had *cough* again spread her “happy” germs)
“PRESUME!” exclaimed Meara happily.
Scott, who had just decided to be all professional about directing this Fellowship suddenly, screamed “Will you little people be quiet!!!”
~SILENCE~
“Now then” continued the wizard. “That’s much better. Now everyone turn around and get back on line for that ride! I will not miss this chance to get adrenalinized!!!!”
“But...” started Fiona.
“NOW!” Scott screamed menacingly.
“You know I wouldn’t mind it so much if this supposedly Chinese woman kicked him off a cliff.” Whispered Meara aside to Riga.
“I HEARD THAT!” growled the angry wizard as he started to slurp on his milkshake.
“HEY! WHERE DID YOU GET THAT!? WE GOTTA GO BACK! I WANT ONE!” screamed Riga as she began to jump up and down.
During all this, they had been slowly moving farther and farther in line and were slowly approaching the entrance to the roller coaster in which they would have to “Choose their Dragon!”
Fiona was starting to convulse.
Suddenly, a giant crow, the SIZE OF A HOUSE landed just behind Fiona and looked as if it where about to launch a full formed attack on the poor hobbit in attempts of commandeering her hair clip.
“Uh, Fiona.” Muttered Meara as she pointed to the bird behind the oblivious hobbit. “You might want to turn around.”
“Wha.......” Started Fiona as she slowly turned around.
The bird and the hobbit stared at each other for about 5 seconds and had a MOMENT before...
“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! GOOOO AWAY BIRD!!!” screamed a hysterical Fiona as she started jumping up and down.
The bird quickly shot off into the dimly lit tunnel obviously terrified by Fiona’s high pitched yelp-moan.
“Ok, it’s gone now. Calm down Fiona.” Replied Meara calmingly.
“I will not calm down, that bird was after blood. THE WORLD IS AGAINST ME!!!” screamed a hobbit in hysterics!
Cristy finally came out of her pensive reverie that she had been in ever since the whole secant comment. “Then the oval office should not be called the oval office, it should be called the elliptical office!!!!”
“More like the oral office!....” muttered a incoherent Gondor Warrior Dude. “WHAT???”
“DIE CIRCLE SQUIRREL!!!!” screamed a hysteric Riga as she attempted to lunge in his general direction.
“What are you people on?!??!?!?” exclaimed John as he easily held her at arms length with one hand on her forehead.
“Hobbits!” muttered Scott.
“Humans!” muttered Stephanie.
Suddenly, a loud eerie voice filled the tunnel.
“Hello and thank you for tuning in to 344.9, your only station for parabolas, parametric equations, and Meara bashing?!” replied the evil tawny, garboffman’s voice!!!!
“I didn’t tune in to anything?” stated a very puzzled Fiona.
“Since when are their radio stations in underground mountain range cave things?” quipped the puzzled Ranger.
“You are well traveled aren’t you!” muttered the irritable Scotty- Boy.
“NOT AGAIN!!! WHERE IS HE THIS TIME! TAWNY MAN IF YOU ARE IN SO MUCH AS A THREE MILE RADIUS OF ME YOU WILL REGRET IT!!!” exclaimed a very provoked Meara.
Stickman ignored Meara’s umpteenth threat and continued “Don’t hate appreciate!”
“HEY YOU DID NOT JUST DO THAT! I AM COPY WRITTEN PEOPLE!” yelled the very angry and irate dwarf person who was actually tall!
Stickman ignored the previous comment as well “On today’s show we will be discussing Daniela’s adventures in Forceful Fruit Fly Mating (AP Bio)”
“THAT’S SO MEAN!! HOW CAN THEY FIND THEIR SOUL MATES?” whined Fiona in very high-pitched trill.
“They don’t have soul mates, they’re bugs!” replied the ingenious Took.
Fiona looked about ready to cry.
“MATE DAMN YOU!!!” exclaimed Meara happily!
Everyone turned around and looked at her very confusedly.
Stephanie: I am glad we decided not to let them go alone.
Meanwhile, Scott had been having a heated conversation with some guy with long hair in front of them in the line; they were now getting ready to get in their seats.
“It’s called a tangent because when people throw slingshots with rocks in them they throw them in random tangents.” Explained the informed wizard.
“Well, in all honesty, parabolas are more of a Janet Jackson thing! Personally, I hate it when my parabola falls.” Stated the Random Hairy Scary Flasher Dude.
“I love you!!” exclaimed Riga.
“HUG!”
As Fiona looked around for a quick exit as she was forcefully latched into her seat, she noticed they were one little person short... “Where’s Frodo?” she whimpered as they started to clack up the hill.
“RIIIGGAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!”
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