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Haha, after four days of having trouble getting up before 10 a.m. thanks to jetlag, today I woke up before 7 a.m. because my brain would not shut up about working on abandoned Naruto fic. I've changed my mind. SOMEONE SAVE ME FROM THIS HELL OF DESPAIR AND CHILD SOLDIERS, BRING ME BACK TO GLORIOUS AI AND CYBORG MAYHEM.
But first I have to watch Shippuden 358-9 because Uchiha massacre. *sob*
Upon reflection, I ain't even bothered about Itachi being a cheerful tiny murderbird who doesn't even wait for Kakashi to tell him to stab the injured dudes in the throat and then goes home to wait for his brother to get out of school because why should I be. He's been a ridiculously overachieving compartmentalizer since probably whatever happened with the Third Shinobi War*, he's compartmentalizing the shit out of everything he does right now anyway because he has to be loyal to both the Uchiha and the village, this is just one more thing for him to stick in a box and hide from Sasuke and fml fml fml DO YOU SEE WHY I MAYBE HAVE SOME ISSUES WITH UCHIHAS.
Please enjoy this visual representation of how Not Okay this all is:
Left: Kakashi. Right: Itachi. DO YOU SEE WHY I MIGHT HAVE A PROBLEM WITH THIS. WHY DID THEY EVEN PUT HIM ON GUARD DUTY WHERE EVERYONE CAN WALK BY AND ASK WHY THERE'S A BABY GUARDING THE HOKAGE. I mean it's better than the actual murder missions but who could possibly see this picture and think that everything is okay here. NOTHING IS OKAY.
*Did he actually fight in it, or just accidentally wander onto a battlefield? It's a mystery! I tend to believe he had to fight in it, or at least in one battle, but he was four fucking years old and everything is terrible and I hate that I made this footnote.
Anyway starting actual episode 358 now. LOL OMG THEY'RE ACTUALLY SPYING ON THE UCHIHA WITH GIANT TELESCOPES AND SHIT THAT'S AMAZING
Danzo is there literally anything you can't make worse HOW CAN YOU SOMEHOW MAKE EVEN PROTECTING PEOPLE FROM THE KYUUBI WORSE also omg I saw tiny Itachi running with baby Sasuke NOPE I'M ALREADY NOT OKAY
THEY'RE SO LITTLE FUCK ME AND WHY IS ITACHI'S BABY VOICE ALREADY SO DEEP
SHUT UP DANZO I HATE THAT YOU'RE HALF RIGHT ABOUT THE KYUUBI INCIDENT it wasn't anybody in the village but it was an Uchiha FUCK YOU TOBITO AND MADARA
OH NO MIKOTO WAS LOOKING SADLY AT BABY NARUTO ;o; YOU KNOW SHE WANTED TO ADOPT THE SHIT OUT OF HIM
I can't believe Kakashi is a voice of reason "yeah spying on your own family and clan is kinda shitty you want me to cover for you" bless you Kakashi no one can say you didn't try
OH NO HE SAW SASUKE THROUGH A TELESCOPE AND SMILED BABY :cccccccccc I MEAN ASSHOLE :ccccccccccccccccc
lol wow mouthing off to the Uchiha military police about them being cowards is definitely a great idea drunk dudes what a fantastic life choice (they probably didn't need to actually be hauled off to the drunk tank though)
OH LOOK DANZO'S BRILLIANT PLAN OF NOT LETTING THE UCHIHA FIGHT AGAINST THE KYUUBI IS BACKFIRING IN ALL POSSIBLE WAYS, WHO COULD HAVE FUCKING GUESSED
SHISUI ♥ oh no he's so sensible I'm going to die clearly it is from him and Sakura that Sarada has inherited her anti-Uchiha stupid genes
I hate everyone in this bar except Sarutobi and Shisui
Kotoamatsukami is one shitty-ass jutsu I'm just going to lay that out, I love Shisui but seriously dude it's messed up
SHUT THE FUCK UP DANZO IF YOU CAN'T CHANGE MAYBE YOU SHOULD DIE IN A FUCKING FIRE MAYBE YOU SHOULD DIE RIGHT THE FUCK NOW OMG SHISUI ;o; BABYYYYYYYYYYY
"Protect the village his own way" MY FLAT ASS DANZO HAS BEEN NOTHING BUT DISASTER FOR KONOHA IT'S TOO BAD HE DIDN'T DIE INSTEAD OF TOBIRAMA, EVEN TOBIRAMA WAS PROBABLY MORE LIKELY TO CHANGE HIS IDEAS ABOUT THE UCHIHA THAN FUCKING DANZO (and I'm pretty sure Tobirama would at least not be stupid enough to hoard sharingan in his arm like a fucking creep)
"Please protect this village and the honor of the Uchiha name" HAHA HAHAAAHAHAHAHA *SOBS FOREVER*
SHISUI NOOOOOOO JESUS MY FUCKING HEART ITACHI HAD AN EMOTION AND I'M NOT OKAY AT ALL
oh the Uchiha are less interested in throwing a coup without Shisui HM I WONDER WHAT'S GOING TO FUCK THAT UP, DANZO
Sarutobi honey no this is not your fault this is 100% on Danzo which actually does kinda make it your fault for not firing him with extreme prejudice directly into the sun but I forgive you I WILL NEVER FORGIVE DANZO HOWEVER
oh sweet fuck Kakashi basically just said "hey Itachi if you need anything I'm here" FML FML FML THIS REALLY NEEDS TO BE A PAIRING also I guess some of my Itachi and Kakashi stuff in "(Nice Dream)" is lightly jossed but so was Tobidara so I don't give a fuck I'm sticking with what I got
HONEY YOU SHOULD NEVER HAVE BEEN PUT IN THIS POSITION AND ALSO YOU ARE THIRTEEN AND SHOULD NOT BE GOING ON MURDER MISSIONS I WANT ALL OF THIS TO STOP IMMEDIATELY
HAHA THIS ONE IS THE ACTUAL MASSACRE NIGHT EPISODE FFFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUU- excuse me I need to take an emotions break and wash dishes
OKAY DISHES ARE WASHED IT'S TIME TO SEE HOW MUCH MORE EMOTIONAL PUNISHMENT I CAN TAKE
seriously councilwoman whose name I forget "I'm not opposed to making you an ANBU captain but how old are you again" "thirteen ma'am" "yep I'm still okay with this decision" WHAT THE FUCK EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOU
"haha don't be so serious about getting your own team Itachi it's not like you're going far away" KAKASHI SWEETIE YOU HAVE NO IDEA *SOB* anyway I guess we'll just say that in the AU Kakashi worked temporarily under Itachi for maybe one or two missions after the massacre and then just kept calling him "captain" to be an asshole because that's our Kakashi
HI AGAIN YUUGAO YOU'RE A DELIGHT
OH NO DON'T MAKE KAKASHI GO LOOK AT THE PLACES WHERE TOBITO IS SNEAKING IN NO DON'T DO IT D:
Gai bless you just for existing you're a beautiful soul (also aaaaahhhhhhhh tiny Sasuke and Naruto what brats you are)
oh no it's Obito's house oh no it's a flashback to baby Obito being weird OH NO
WOW THE CLAN THAT'S BEEN DELIBERATELY ISOLATED AND THAT DANZO IS CONSTANTLY TRYING TO ANTAGONIZE ARE FEELING SUSPICIOUS AND UNFRIENDLY, THIS IS BRAND NEW INFORMATION, I AM SURE NO ONE HAS EVER NOTICED THIS PATTERN OF BEHAVIOR HAPPENING BEFORE OR ANYTHING seriously I hate everyone in this bar BUT MOSTLY DANZO
well Sarutobi and Kakashi are okay most of the time
HONESTLY WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU ALL OKAY WITH PUTTING THIS MUCH RESPONSIBILITY ON A THIRTEEN-YEAR-OLD HOW ABOUT ONE OF YOU ASSHOLES DOES SOME SPYING OR DIPLOMATIC WORK OR ANYTHING BESIDES SITTING AROUND ON YOUR ASSES MAKING SHITTY DECISIONS
... Danzo I didn't mean you I meant the people who aren't already unreasonably prejudiced
ITACHI STOP TALKING TO TOBITO TOBITO YOU GET AWAY FROM THERE RIGHT NOW YOU'RE NOT WANTED well at least they know not to trust each other WHY ARE YOU BOTH AWFUL
MASSACRE TIMES EVERYTHING IS TERRIBLE AND WILL ALWAYS BE TERRIBLE DON'T TOUCH ME I'M NOT OKAY *frantically takes notes in case anything happens that might be useful in the AU*
HAHA SHUT UP DANZO YOU ARE GETTING TOLD AND IT'S BEEN A LONG TIME COMING BLESS YOU SARUTOBI YOU ARE SO RIGHTFULLY PISSED
HAHAHAHAHAHHAHHLA:SHLK:DKL: SARUTOBI SENT DANZO TO HIS ROOM LIKE A LITTLE KID FUCKING TOLD
HAHA AND ITACHI HUNG AROUND LIKE A CREEP TO TELL DANZO HE'LL LEAK INTELLIGENCE TO EVERY OTHER VILLAGE IF ANYTHING HAPPENS TO SASUKE DOUBLE TOLD
IT WASN'T HIS IDEA IT WAS STUPID DANZO'S TERRIBLE IDEA SERIOUSLY EVERYTHING IS TERRIBLE
omg baby Sasuke no you're so little and angry everything is the worst and even Kakashi feels bad and please just leave me here to die
NO JESUS YOU CAN'T JUST STAND THERE AND SAY "THANKS FOR KILLING ALMOST EVERYONE YOU LOVE" SARUTOBI WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF THING IS THAT TO SAY WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF SITUATION IS THIS I HATE IT ALL
YOU'RE FUCKING THIRTEEN YOU CAN'T JUST RUN AWAY AND BE A CRIMINAL AND JOIN A CRIMINAL MASTERMIND ORGANIZATION HOLY SHIT NO
"I am prepared to bear his hatred" NO THIS IS NOT OKAY NOTHING IS OKAY YOU'RE A BABY AND YOU LOVE YOUR STUPID BABY BROTHER TOO MUCH I WANT TO DIE
I enjoy this touching moment with the Third and Kakashi very much and I really need to put more Kakashi in the AU BUT I'M STILL NOT OKAY I WILL NEVER EVER BE OKAY AGAIN WHY THE FUCK DID YOU DO THIS KISHIMOTO
Well then, I need to go shower and cry for about an hour, LATER.
P.S. Sorry about yesterday; I honestly did not mean to post that much in one day, it just kind of - happened to me. As these things do. I don't have anyone IRL to talk to about Naruto, okay. I'll try not to let it happen again. (I'm probably done watching Shippuden episodes - FOR NOW - so you should be safe unless I get a yen to rewatch original series episodes...)
Crossposted from Dreamwidth - read the original post here: http://hokuton-punch.dreamwidth.org/1051606.html .
But first I have to watch Shippuden 358-9 because Uchiha massacre. *sob*
Upon reflection, I ain't even bothered about Itachi being a cheerful tiny murderbird who doesn't even wait for Kakashi to tell him to stab the injured dudes in the throat and then goes home to wait for his brother to get out of school because why should I be. He's been a ridiculously overachieving compartmentalizer since probably whatever happened with the Third Shinobi War*, he's compartmentalizing the shit out of everything he does right now anyway because he has to be loyal to both the Uchiha and the village, this is just one more thing for him to stick in a box and hide from Sasuke and fml fml fml DO YOU SEE WHY I MAYBE HAVE SOME ISSUES WITH UCHIHAS.
Please enjoy this visual representation of how Not Okay this all is:
Left: Kakashi. Right: Itachi. DO YOU SEE WHY I MIGHT HAVE A PROBLEM WITH THIS. WHY DID THEY EVEN PUT HIM ON GUARD DUTY WHERE EVERYONE CAN WALK BY AND ASK WHY THERE'S A BABY GUARDING THE HOKAGE. I mean it's better than the actual murder missions but who could possibly see this picture and think that everything is okay here. NOTHING IS OKAY.
*Did he actually fight in it, or just accidentally wander onto a battlefield? It's a mystery! I tend to believe he had to fight in it, or at least in one battle, but he was four fucking years old and everything is terrible and I hate that I made this footnote.
Anyway starting actual episode 358 now. LOL OMG THEY'RE ACTUALLY SPYING ON THE UCHIHA WITH GIANT TELESCOPES AND SHIT THAT'S AMAZING
Danzo is there literally anything you can't make worse HOW CAN YOU SOMEHOW MAKE EVEN PROTECTING PEOPLE FROM THE KYUUBI WORSE also omg I saw tiny Itachi running with baby Sasuke NOPE I'M ALREADY NOT OKAY
THEY'RE SO LITTLE FUCK ME AND WHY IS ITACHI'S BABY VOICE ALREADY SO DEEP
SHUT UP DANZO I HATE THAT YOU'RE HALF RIGHT ABOUT THE KYUUBI INCIDENT it wasn't anybody in the village but it was an Uchiha FUCK YOU TOBITO AND MADARA
OH NO MIKOTO WAS LOOKING SADLY AT BABY NARUTO ;o; YOU KNOW SHE WANTED TO ADOPT THE SHIT OUT OF HIM
I can't believe Kakashi is a voice of reason "yeah spying on your own family and clan is kinda shitty you want me to cover for you" bless you Kakashi no one can say you didn't try
OH NO HE SAW SASUKE THROUGH A TELESCOPE AND SMILED BABY :cccccccccc I MEAN ASSHOLE :ccccccccccccccccc
lol wow mouthing off to the Uchiha military police about them being cowards is definitely a great idea drunk dudes what a fantastic life choice (they probably didn't need to actually be hauled off to the drunk tank though)
OH LOOK DANZO'S BRILLIANT PLAN OF NOT LETTING THE UCHIHA FIGHT AGAINST THE KYUUBI IS BACKFIRING IN ALL POSSIBLE WAYS, WHO COULD HAVE FUCKING GUESSED
SHISUI ♥ oh no he's so sensible I'm going to die clearly it is from him and Sakura that Sarada has inherited her anti-Uchiha stupid genes
I hate everyone in this bar except Sarutobi and Shisui
Kotoamatsukami is one shitty-ass jutsu I'm just going to lay that out, I love Shisui but seriously dude it's messed up
SHUT THE FUCK UP DANZO IF YOU CAN'T CHANGE MAYBE YOU SHOULD DIE IN A FUCKING FIRE MAYBE YOU SHOULD DIE RIGHT THE FUCK NOW OMG SHISUI ;o; BABYYYYYYYYYYY
"Protect the village his own way" MY FLAT ASS DANZO HAS BEEN NOTHING BUT DISASTER FOR KONOHA IT'S TOO BAD HE DIDN'T DIE INSTEAD OF TOBIRAMA, EVEN TOBIRAMA WAS PROBABLY MORE LIKELY TO CHANGE HIS IDEAS ABOUT THE UCHIHA THAN FUCKING DANZO (and I'm pretty sure Tobirama would at least not be stupid enough to hoard sharingan in his arm like a fucking creep)
"Please protect this village and the honor of the Uchiha name" HAHA HAHAAAHAHAHAHA *SOBS FOREVER*
SHISUI NOOOOOOO JESUS MY FUCKING HEART ITACHI HAD AN EMOTION AND I'M NOT OKAY AT ALL
oh the Uchiha are less interested in throwing a coup without Shisui HM I WONDER WHAT'S GOING TO FUCK THAT UP, DANZO
Sarutobi honey no this is not your fault this is 100% on Danzo which actually does kinda make it your fault for not firing him with extreme prejudice directly into the sun but I forgive you I WILL NEVER FORGIVE DANZO HOWEVER
oh sweet fuck Kakashi basically just said "hey Itachi if you need anything I'm here" FML FML FML THIS REALLY NEEDS TO BE A PAIRING also I guess some of my Itachi and Kakashi stuff in "(Nice Dream)" is lightly jossed but so was Tobidara so I don't give a fuck I'm sticking with what I got
HONEY YOU SHOULD NEVER HAVE BEEN PUT IN THIS POSITION AND ALSO YOU ARE THIRTEEN AND SHOULD NOT BE GOING ON MURDER MISSIONS I WANT ALL OF THIS TO STOP IMMEDIATELY
HAHA THIS ONE IS THE ACTUAL MASSACRE NIGHT EPISODE FFFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUU- excuse me I need to take an emotions break and wash dishes
OKAY DISHES ARE WASHED IT'S TIME TO SEE HOW MUCH MORE EMOTIONAL PUNISHMENT I CAN TAKE
seriously councilwoman whose name I forget "I'm not opposed to making you an ANBU captain but how old are you again" "thirteen ma'am" "yep I'm still okay with this decision" WHAT THE FUCK EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOU
"haha don't be so serious about getting your own team Itachi it's not like you're going far away" KAKASHI SWEETIE YOU HAVE NO IDEA *SOB* anyway I guess we'll just say that in the AU Kakashi worked temporarily under Itachi for maybe one or two missions after the massacre and then just kept calling him "captain" to be an asshole because that's our Kakashi
HI AGAIN YUUGAO YOU'RE A DELIGHT
OH NO DON'T MAKE KAKASHI GO LOOK AT THE PLACES WHERE TOBITO IS SNEAKING IN NO DON'T DO IT D:
Gai bless you just for existing you're a beautiful soul (also aaaaahhhhhhhh tiny Sasuke and Naruto what brats you are)
oh no it's Obito's house oh no it's a flashback to baby Obito being weird OH NO
WOW THE CLAN THAT'S BEEN DELIBERATELY ISOLATED AND THAT DANZO IS CONSTANTLY TRYING TO ANTAGONIZE ARE FEELING SUSPICIOUS AND UNFRIENDLY, THIS IS BRAND NEW INFORMATION, I AM SURE NO ONE HAS EVER NOTICED THIS PATTERN OF BEHAVIOR HAPPENING BEFORE OR ANYTHING seriously I hate everyone in this bar BUT MOSTLY DANZO
well Sarutobi and Kakashi are okay most of the time
HONESTLY WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU ALL OKAY WITH PUTTING THIS MUCH RESPONSIBILITY ON A THIRTEEN-YEAR-OLD HOW ABOUT ONE OF YOU ASSHOLES DOES SOME SPYING OR DIPLOMATIC WORK OR ANYTHING BESIDES SITTING AROUND ON YOUR ASSES MAKING SHITTY DECISIONS
... Danzo I didn't mean you I meant the people who aren't already unreasonably prejudiced
ITACHI STOP TALKING TO TOBITO TOBITO YOU GET AWAY FROM THERE RIGHT NOW YOU'RE NOT WANTED well at least they know not to trust each other WHY ARE YOU BOTH AWFUL
MASSACRE TIMES EVERYTHING IS TERRIBLE AND WILL ALWAYS BE TERRIBLE DON'T TOUCH ME I'M NOT OKAY *frantically takes notes in case anything happens that might be useful in the AU*
HAHA SHUT UP DANZO YOU ARE GETTING TOLD AND IT'S BEEN A LONG TIME COMING BLESS YOU SARUTOBI YOU ARE SO RIGHTFULLY PISSED
HAHAHAHAHAHHAHHLA:SHLK:DKL: SARUTOBI SENT DANZO TO HIS ROOM LIKE A LITTLE KID FUCKING TOLD
HAHA AND ITACHI HUNG AROUND LIKE A CREEP TO TELL DANZO HE'LL LEAK INTELLIGENCE TO EVERY OTHER VILLAGE IF ANYTHING HAPPENS TO SASUKE DOUBLE TOLD
IT WASN'T HIS IDEA IT WAS STUPID DANZO'S TERRIBLE IDEA SERIOUSLY EVERYTHING IS TERRIBLE
omg baby Sasuke no you're so little and angry everything is the worst and even Kakashi feels bad and please just leave me here to die
NO JESUS YOU CAN'T JUST STAND THERE AND SAY "THANKS FOR KILLING ALMOST EVERYONE YOU LOVE" SARUTOBI WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF THING IS THAT TO SAY WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF SITUATION IS THIS I HATE IT ALL
YOU'RE FUCKING THIRTEEN YOU CAN'T JUST RUN AWAY AND BE A CRIMINAL AND JOIN A CRIMINAL MASTERMIND ORGANIZATION HOLY SHIT NO
"I am prepared to bear his hatred" NO THIS IS NOT OKAY NOTHING IS OKAY YOU'RE A BABY AND YOU LOVE YOUR STUPID BABY BROTHER TOO MUCH I WANT TO DIE
I enjoy this touching moment with the Third and Kakashi very much and I really need to put more Kakashi in the AU BUT I'M STILL NOT OKAY I WILL NEVER EVER BE OKAY AGAIN WHY THE FUCK DID YOU DO THIS KISHIMOTO
Well then, I need to go shower and cry for about an hour, LATER.
P.S. Sorry about yesterday; I honestly did not mean to post that much in one day, it just kind of - happened to me. As these things do. I don't have anyone IRL to talk to about Naruto, okay. I'll try not to let it happen again. (I'm probably done watching Shippuden episodes - FOR NOW - so you should be safe unless I get a yen to rewatch original series episodes...)
Crossposted from Dreamwidth - read the original post here: http://hokuton-punch.dreamwidth.org/1051606.html .