Hat Shore finale: attack of the Canadian Weasley bear
The dome was supposed to be indestructable. Hat magic trumped almost every power known to man or god, here on the Hat's turf.
Yet there was a creature the Hat was known to fear.
The Canadian Weasley bear.
Oh, it might sound like a whimsical fancy of the Hat's imagination, abetted by the fears of one Stephen Colbert. But as with many of the Hat's obsessions, there was a truth underlying this bogeyman, a truth starker and more fearsome than truthiness alone could shoulder.
The Canadian Weasley bear was a ginger-colored terrorbear. And, while any terrorbear could wreak gory and newsworthy havoc, something further distinguished the ginger variant of Ursus formidonis from its equally cold, equally large, equally spider-dripping counterparts of drabber hue.
As the Sorting Hat well knew, the gingers had no souls.
Up to this point, Hogwarts had been kept safe from Canadian Weasley bears. The Hat periodically asked Sortees to keep guard against them, but none had been seen, for reasons unknown or unshared even with the Hat's closest confidants (a tattered souvenir sombrero, a fleece blanket with a pattern of cowboys printed on it, and a magic-Polaroid of Professor Grant's hat). Then a thing happened. Elric of Melniboné had chanced upon a runtish terrorbear in the Forbidden Forest, and in Stormbringer, the beast met its match.
Terrorbears had no offspring. They willed themselves into existence, or so researchers believed: "One commonly believed notion about the TerrorBear is that they are neither male or female. TerrorBears do not reproduce in a sexual manner. If a TerrorBear wants to exist, then it does. If a TerrorBear chooses not to exist, then it will not."
Were it not for this accepted theory, one might have supposed that the mother bear, like Grendel's mother, had come seeking vengeance on the slayers of her son. For a much, much larger Canadian Weasley bear was now seeking after the smaller bear whom Elric had slain.
It started by attacking the dome - the last place the scent of the other bear's pelt could be detected. (Elric had given the pelt to Ariane Emory as a superlatively romantic Valentine's Day gift. Ari, learning of its origin, hadn't wanted it around any longer, and stashed it within the dome. Ironically, she'd done so in the belief the impregnable and invulnerable dome would be the safest place to hide such an artifact.)
Spiders poured from the bear's mouth in an unending stream. Some skittered through the gash the bear's claws were tearing in the dome.
Where was Elric of Melniboné, whose Stormbringer might stand a chance against the Canadian Weasley bear? Where was Ariane Emory, who could've deduced what the bear was after?
They were over a hundred miles away, at a McDonalds in a Muggle town. Inspired by a recent Celebrity Apprentice episode in which the teams of celebrities were ordered to run pizza parlors for an afternoon, the Sorting Hat had come up with the fabulous and totally original idea of making the Hat Shore people work at McDonalds. The Jersey Shore kids had worked at the Shore Store, and at some gelato place! Menial work made every reality show better!
Ari and Elric had been dispatched to scout the likeliest location. This was their first visit to any fast food franchise. For his part, Elric declared the Happy Meals to be a false and empty promise, containing only bland substances which may have been food, and lies. There was no happiness within, only a confusing bit of colourful plastic. The bland food within had no style or subtlety to it, and, Elric quickly decided that the meat was of no earthy origin. Along with Ariane, he found his attention caught by a shapeless purple figure represented by the ubiquitous clown who appeared to be master of the establishment - could they be eating a 'Grimace'? Both agreed this was a distinct possibility, and put aside the remainder of their sandwiches due to an overly vivid mental picture of what might exist in the kitchens. The fries and soft drinks were much less revolting: Elric decided that his Coke was actually quite pleasant and invigorating, although lacking the kick of Melnibonean drugs. He couldn't shake the suspicion that the ubiquitous clown figure was possibly an analog of Balo the Jester, a Chaos being that wasn't quite a Chaos Lord, but nevertheless powerful in his own right. Needless to say, their trip to McDonalds would end on a questionable note, when the employees could not produce a 'Balo the Jester', even when Elric attempted to encourage them with Stormbringer.
The Hat Shore cast was on its own. They would have to fend off the Canadian Weasley bear. They couldn't die trying, thanks to the protective enchantments on the Hogwarts grounds, but any close encounter with a Canadian Weasley bear could get ugly pretty quickly in painful and nightmarish ways exclusive of death.
Conveniently, Kojiro was nowhere to be seen ...
((OOC note: The Canadian Weasley bear / TerrorBear can be written as an NPC in any of the Hat Shore contestants' tags. As with Yoda Boot Camp, when attacking the Canadian Weasley bear, go to random.org and use the number generator on the front page, 1 to 100, on the subject line of each first event post for your character. This determines the success of your attack or tactic, on a scale from 1 = complete failure and your character taking damage from a bear counterattack, to 100 = critical hit with impunity.
Try not to KO the bear immediately, so everyone who wants to play can have a chance :) Creative and/or amusing tactics are welcome, along with involvement from dropbears and tree octopi. Small fires will erupt in the bear's footprints, and the bear will continue to drool spiders until KOed.
If the Hat Shore cast doesn't collectively manage to stop the bear, Something Else will happen. If they do manage to stop the bear, Something Magical will happen.
Live broadcast will be shown in the Great Hall. Characters capable of escaping the castle to attack the bear from outside the dome may do so. The rest should remain indoors since the Hat will have battened down the proverbial hatches and raised an alarm.))
Yet there was a creature the Hat was known to fear.
The Canadian Weasley bear.
Oh, it might sound like a whimsical fancy of the Hat's imagination, abetted by the fears of one Stephen Colbert. But as with many of the Hat's obsessions, there was a truth underlying this bogeyman, a truth starker and more fearsome than truthiness alone could shoulder.
The Canadian Weasley bear was a ginger-colored terrorbear. And, while any terrorbear could wreak gory and newsworthy havoc, something further distinguished the ginger variant of Ursus formidonis from its equally cold, equally large, equally spider-dripping counterparts of drabber hue.
As the Sorting Hat well knew, the gingers had no souls.
Up to this point, Hogwarts had been kept safe from Canadian Weasley bears. The Hat periodically asked Sortees to keep guard against them, but none had been seen, for reasons unknown or unshared even with the Hat's closest confidants (a tattered souvenir sombrero, a fleece blanket with a pattern of cowboys printed on it, and a magic-Polaroid of Professor Grant's hat). Then a thing happened. Elric of Melniboné had chanced upon a runtish terrorbear in the Forbidden Forest, and in Stormbringer, the beast met its match.
Terrorbears had no offspring. They willed themselves into existence, or so researchers believed: "One commonly believed notion about the TerrorBear is that they are neither male or female. TerrorBears do not reproduce in a sexual manner. If a TerrorBear wants to exist, then it does. If a TerrorBear chooses not to exist, then it will not."
Were it not for this accepted theory, one might have supposed that the mother bear, like Grendel's mother, had come seeking vengeance on the slayers of her son. For a much, much larger Canadian Weasley bear was now seeking after the smaller bear whom Elric had slain.
It started by attacking the dome - the last place the scent of the other bear's pelt could be detected. (Elric had given the pelt to Ariane Emory as a superlatively romantic Valentine's Day gift. Ari, learning of its origin, hadn't wanted it around any longer, and stashed it within the dome. Ironically, she'd done so in the belief the impregnable and invulnerable dome would be the safest place to hide such an artifact.)
Spiders poured from the bear's mouth in an unending stream. Some skittered through the gash the bear's claws were tearing in the dome.
Where was Elric of Melniboné, whose Stormbringer might stand a chance against the Canadian Weasley bear? Where was Ariane Emory, who could've deduced what the bear was after?
They were over a hundred miles away, at a McDonalds in a Muggle town. Inspired by a recent Celebrity Apprentice episode in which the teams of celebrities were ordered to run pizza parlors for an afternoon, the Sorting Hat had come up with the fabulous and totally original idea of making the Hat Shore people work at McDonalds. The Jersey Shore kids had worked at the Shore Store, and at some gelato place! Menial work made every reality show better!
Ari and Elric had been dispatched to scout the likeliest location. This was their first visit to any fast food franchise. For his part, Elric declared the Happy Meals to be a false and empty promise, containing only bland substances which may have been food, and lies. There was no happiness within, only a confusing bit of colourful plastic. The bland food within had no style or subtlety to it, and, Elric quickly decided that the meat was of no earthy origin. Along with Ariane, he found his attention caught by a shapeless purple figure represented by the ubiquitous clown who appeared to be master of the establishment - could they be eating a 'Grimace'? Both agreed this was a distinct possibility, and put aside the remainder of their sandwiches due to an overly vivid mental picture of what might exist in the kitchens. The fries and soft drinks were much less revolting: Elric decided that his Coke was actually quite pleasant and invigorating, although lacking the kick of Melnibonean drugs. He couldn't shake the suspicion that the ubiquitous clown figure was possibly an analog of Balo the Jester, a Chaos being that wasn't quite a Chaos Lord, but nevertheless powerful in his own right. Needless to say, their trip to McDonalds would end on a questionable note, when the employees could not produce a 'Balo the Jester', even when Elric attempted to encourage them with Stormbringer.
The Hat Shore cast was on its own. They would have to fend off the Canadian Weasley bear. They couldn't die trying, thanks to the protective enchantments on the Hogwarts grounds, but any close encounter with a Canadian Weasley bear could get ugly pretty quickly in painful and nightmarish ways exclusive of death.
Conveniently, Kojiro was nowhere to be seen ...
((OOC note: The Canadian Weasley bear / TerrorBear can be written as an NPC in any of the Hat Shore contestants' tags. As with Yoda Boot Camp, when attacking the Canadian Weasley bear, go to random.org and use the number generator on the front page, 1 to 100, on the subject line of each first event post for your character. This determines the success of your attack or tactic, on a scale from 1 = complete failure and your character taking damage from a bear counterattack, to 100 = critical hit with impunity.
Try not to KO the bear immediately, so everyone who wants to play can have a chance :) Creative and/or amusing tactics are welcome, along with involvement from dropbears and tree octopi. Small fires will erupt in the bear's footprints, and the bear will continue to drool spiders until KOed.
If the Hat Shore cast doesn't collectively manage to stop the bear, Something Else will happen. If they do manage to stop the bear, Something Magical will happen.
Live broadcast will be shown in the Great Hall. Characters capable of escaping the castle to attack the bear from outside the dome may do so. The rest should remain indoors since the Hat will have battened down the proverbial hatches and raised an alarm.))