"Oh hello there, soldier boy!" The Sorting Hat swooped down from someplace it wasn't a moment before, and performed a flirty little pirouette in the air before Zack. "Such a nice head of hair you have there, all those cute little spikes. . . how about you tell me about this Chocobo Bill's Chococheese, and I'll just make myself comfortable on that pretty head of yours."
I'm not a hundred percent sure, but I think the hat is coming on to me. "Um. The Chocobo Bill stuff was kind of a misguided attempt at making cheese from chocobo milk." And since it's kind of impossible to milk a bird, I can only try not to imagine where it actually comes from.
The Sorting Hat was unquestionably coming onto Zack, or perhaps more accurately, his hair. "Don't worry, cutie. I'll sit gently. I wouldn't want to muss all those little spiky bits," it told him as it lowered itself onto his head, Zack having failed to express any disinclination for his hair to play host to a Hat of questionable intentions. "Ooooh, those are nice," it remarked as it settled down.
"Oh really? That's fascinating!" the Hat remarked. "What does it taste like? And what is a chocobo?" Its interest wasn't entirely feigned, as the Hat did have curiosity about the cheese- it was just enjoying the tickle of Zack's hair beneath its crown a bit more.
I'm starting to feel a little uncomfortable, which is weird considering I had sex with someone on the very desk at which I was sitting, but I'm being hit on by a hat and that's just... well, weird.
"It tastes kind of like gritty fat," I say of the cheese, trying not to squirm as the hat makes itself comfortable on my head. "Chocobos are giant, flightless birds. We usually ride or race them. Chocobo Bill is just kind of... um, obsessive."
"Riding on cheese-making birds that might be made of chocolate? Marvelous! So do you often ride on birds? I bet you're good at it. And are they really made of chocolate?" They sounded like they might have been, and, the Sorting Hat was determined that they should be.
The Sorting Hat was a well-practiced specimen of sartorial perversity, but had yet to comprehend why anyone wouldn't want to have their hair or headwear molested, at least by it. "Mmm, you take such good care of your hair, don't you," it commented, as it sunk a bit further onto Zack's head. "Very nice hair indeed. And you're such a friendly new student- we really do need more like you. Many of them are rude, have no stories to tell about cheese-making birds, and it's possible they don't use conditioner." It was perhaps a mercy that the Hat did not mention precisely why it felt this way- as, it was naturally due to the aforementioned show, which Hat had enjoyed. The magic Mr. Wednesday and Kojiro had collaborated upon worked just fine for the students, but, illusions of
( ... )
"Chocobos are really just made of... bird..." I can't even begin to think about chocobos or Chocobo Bill or cheese. A hat is getting off on my hair. This.. is going on the list of weird things I'm going to try to suppress.
"Just bird? A bird which sounds to be made of chocolate should be! But, I can forgive you. Bird is the word, and you have such pretty hair, so you're not useless." The Hat's demeanor suddenly shifted from pointless flirtation to something a more serious (at least for a talking Hat) as the Sorting Hat recalled its sacred duty. "But what's underneath that pretty hair? That's what I want to know." Lifting off Zack's head and floating in front of him once more, it demanded, "Muscles or brains? Which one do you have more of, soldier boy?"
"I..." I can't believe I'm being grilled by a hat, but I figure the best policy here is honesty. I cough a little. "SOLDIER requires that the elite members have both physical and tactical prowess. I... well, I'm not the best tactician, but I'm pretty strong to make up for it."
"Good, good. Brains can be nice, but, muscles are so much nicer to look at. Strike a pose for me! Show off that soldier's physique! I'm pretty sure I know where to put you, but, I have to make sure. . ."
"Well, you weren't kidding, were you. Definitely not smarts. What kind of pose do you think? A sexy one, of course!" If the Hat could have tapped a foot impatiently, it would have. As it was, it crossed its straps and appeared about as impatient as a Hat was capable of.
I'm kind of stumped as to what a hat would consider a sexy pose, but I stop myself just in time before asking if I'm required to sit on someone's head.
I cough nervously and stand up, more than a little awkward in this situation. SOLDIER training doesn't necessarily require doing... sexy poses.
"A sexy pose! Strike one!" the Hat insisted, flailing its straps with impatience. "I'm a Hat, so I can't tell you how to do it. I'm a masterpiece of millinery, not a complicated assembly of organs. Do whatever you humans to do make yourselves move, and then show yourself off!"
I swallow hard and try to picture something dignified that meets his standards.
Ugh, nothing in this situation is dignified at all. If I were posing for a hot guy though, like Kuronue or Sephi-
You stop that train of thought right there, buddy!
Ugh, okay, try to focus. Get serious. I try to remember all the pinups I had in my locker at SHINRA, or the occasional visits to Honey Bee. All right, I've got it.
I lean forward, bracing one hand on my thigh, the other on my hip. I feel like a complete ass. In the back of my mind, it seems like the kind of poseTifa would pull.
The Hat twisted its straps in anticipation as it awaited the demanded 'sexy pose'. When it came, the Hat was admittedly somewhat disappointed. It had been expecting something more Tom of Finland -esque, while Zack's attempt was rather. . . girly. But, it had not been for nought, as the Hat was now certain where Zack belonged.
"Not quite what I had in mind. You left your shirt on, for one! But I know where to put you now, and it'll be good for you. A house full of muscle-y hero-types, so you know they're good at sexy poses. Some of them even wear spandex! They'll teach you right."
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"Um. The Chocobo Bill stuff was kind of a misguided attempt at making cheese from chocobo milk." And since it's kind of impossible to milk a bird, I can only try not to imagine where it actually comes from.
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"Oh really? That's fascinating!" the Hat remarked. "What does it taste like? And what is a chocobo?" Its interest wasn't entirely feigned, as the Hat did have curiosity about the cheese- it was just enjoying the tickle of Zack's hair beneath its crown a bit more.
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"It tastes kind of like gritty fat," I say of the cheese, trying not to squirm as the hat makes itself comfortable on my head. "Chocobos are giant, flightless birds. We usually ride or race them. Chocobo Bill is just kind of... um, obsessive."
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The Sorting Hat was a well-practiced specimen of sartorial perversity, but had yet to comprehend why anyone wouldn't want to have their hair or headwear molested, at least by it. "Mmm, you take such good care of your hair, don't you," it commented, as it sunk a bit further onto Zack's head. "Very nice hair indeed. And you're such a friendly new student- we really do need more like you. Many of them are rude, have no stories to tell about cheese-making birds, and it's possible they don't use conditioner." It was perhaps a mercy that the Hat did not mention precisely why it felt this way- as, it was naturally due to the aforementioned show, which Hat had enjoyed. The magic Mr. Wednesday and Kojiro had collaborated upon worked just fine for the students, but, illusions of ( ... )
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I cough nervously and stand up, more than a little awkward in this situation. SOLDIER training doesn't necessarily require doing... sexy poses.
"Um, I'm not exactly sure... what... um."
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Ugh, nothing in this situation is dignified at all. If I were posing for a hot guy though, like Kuronue or Sephi-
You stop that train of thought right there, buddy!
Ugh, okay, try to focus. Get serious. I try to remember all the pinups I had in my locker at SHINRA, or the occasional visits to Honey Bee. All right, I've got it.
I lean forward, bracing one hand on my thigh, the other on my hip. I feel like a complete ass. In the back of my mind, it seems like the kind of poseTifa would pull.
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-esque, while Zack's attempt was rather. . . girly. But, it had not been for nought, as the Hat was now certain where Zack belonged.
"Not quite what I had in mind. You left your shirt on, for one! But I know where to put you now, and it'll be good for you. A house full of muscle-y hero-types, so you know they're good at sexy poses. Some of them even wear spandex! They'll teach you right."
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