Application for Evan Ferguson; "David Blaine's Street Magic"
"Holy. Fucking. Shit, David Blaine," a voice squawked incredulously from the Hogwarts floor. He pushed himself off the floor and onto his hands and knees. "Ooh, you made a stone floor hit me in the face! Big woop, David Blaine! Big woop! Yeah, you would need effing demon magic to get me on my knees, bitch!" He then jumped up and started to bounce
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"Eh-oh!!!!" he greeted Evan.
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Oh my God.
What if this purple thing was the missing link in the evolution from dinosaurs to humans!? If Evan killed it, he could wipe out the human race. That's way worse than becoming his own grandfather!
He continued to stand on the table, but he pulled up the chair to use as a potential weapon. "Get back, you creepy dino-dickwad! Back!"
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"Fwiend! Tinky Winky dickwad!" he agreed happily, and skipped toward the table where Evan, like a lion tamer, brandished a chair.
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And oh my GOD, it was calling him a tinky winky dickwad. It was angry! And probably threatening his masculinity! "I'm just as man as you are, you purple dickless bitch!" Evan yelled as he scrambled off the table to run away.
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"One day, in Hogwartstubbyland, Tinky Winky's new friend Mister Dickwad gave him a present. It was a chair!" the Narrator announced.
"FWIEND," bellowed Tinky Winky, actually catching the chair. Tinky Winky was, after all, freakishly tall and huge, and could do things like that.
Then he took the chair and, somehow, magically fit it into his magic red handbag. "TINKY WINKY PWESENT," he said happily. Rummaging around, he found a present he could give to his new friend in return!
It was .. a box of Cheez-its!
He lumbered after Evan with the purse over one arm and the Cheez-its in his other mitt.
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Oh. Em. Gee.
Tinky Winky was David Blaine's retarded human/dino grandfather.
"Cheez-its!" Evan finally found use of his limbs again and he scrambled away from the lumbering menace. "Cheez-its!" He ran left, and right, until he found himself cornered in the south-eastern portion of the room. He turned back around and held out both hands in front of him, as if to ward him off.
"Wait! Stop it! Don't come any closer. You can't eat me or turn me into Cheez-its or that shit! Don't you see!?" Evan held out his arms. "I am hu-man. I am," he hissed dramatically. "I am what you will one day be."
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"Hu-man," the Teletubby repeated, then giggled his effeminate yet deep-voiced giggle. "One day Tinky Winky be hu-man?"
"I already do cocaine. Don't make me need more drugs," the Narrator groaned.
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He covers his eyes with his hands. "So stop advancing!" He shrieked.
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"Tinky Winky not Cheez-its?" The Teletubby stopped, bemused.
"Tinky Winky's new friend Mister Dickward did not like Cheez-Its," the Narrator surmised.
"Oh! Dickwad no like!" That made perfect sense to Tinky Winky, who did not eat Cheez-Its either. He lived on Tubby Custard and Tubby Toast.
"TUBBY TUSTARD!" he proclaimed. He would share! Out came the Tubby Custard machine, with its phallic pump.
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"Who the eff keeps speaking!?" And why was he just describing what was happening and not helping him!? Sure, Evan and Peter tended to do the same thing. If, like, David Blaine put one of them on the roof, chances are they'd be yelling about how one of them was on the roof for a while. But that was different! They were in danger!
Evan then gasped at the appearance of the Tubby Custard machine. Oh. "Oh, you dirty bitch."
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"Tinky Winky bitch?" Tinky Winky didn't know that word. It titillated him. He lost himself in a momentary flitting fantasy of Dipsy using that word to him. Tinky Winky bitch, said Dipsy, the tip of his green antenna peeking out of his open-lidded top hat.
As Tinky Winky stood thus lost in reverie, the Narrator taunted Evan. "Are you ready for this jelly?"
The machine ground and huffed away.
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He dashed away from that infernal corner, only to look up at the sound of the Narrator’s voice. “Aw no. There will be no milkshakes in this yard.”
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"Tinky Winky voted Mister Dickwad into Sparklypoo," the Narrator recorded.
"Parkypoo," Tinky Winky confirmed, and went about slurping up his Tubby Custard all alone.
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