Application: Dani Reese from "Life"
((Note: Dani is taken from after the events of "Fill it Up". The app is spoiler-free, but spoilers for all episodes of Life might pop up in the comments.))
8:35 p.m. on LA’s Sunset Boulevard. For the past eleven hours and thirty-four minutes, Detective Dani Reese had been on the trail of a known felon, wanted in connection with two murders. The search for said felon had involved, in no particular order:
-A flock of semi-wild chickens
-An inebriated watermelon salesman
-An hour of karaoke
And last, but not least:
-Hearing a cassette tape of a creepy old British man reading bull Zen sayings over, and over, and over again.
So entering the den of a crackhouse, only to find herself in a freezing stone room? Not the weirdest thing that Dani had experienced that day.
She walked over to the lone table, and read over the sheet of paper.
1. What is your favorite cheese? Why is it your favorite?
Okay, this right here? Definitely something Crews would ask. She was going to put her money on an ill-thought out prank.
“Ackawi.” The way she said it hinted at a fluency in Farsi, despite being born and raised in Los Angeles. “It’s used in a lot of Middle Eastern - that pen is moving.”
Arching an eyebrow, Dani leaned in and waved her hand over the pen. No wires. She rolled her eyes and stood back up.
“Crews, how much did that set you back? I don’t care how nice the people at Sharper Image are - salesmen are not your friends.”
2. Who would you kill first, Barney or Carrottop?
“We’re talking as if Barney were a living, breathing, stuffed purple dinosaur?” Which, in and of itself made no sense, but four months partnering with wanna-be Zen master taught you to operate in ludicrous hypotheticals. “Not just a guy in a suit?” Looking from side to side, Dani leaned against the desk, keeping an eye on the pen. Yeah. Still moving.
“As a member of the LAPD, I don’t use force erroneously. But if either individual were to commit a felony, conspire to commit a felony...looked like they were conspiring to commit a felony...” Dani trailed off, shrugging. This was, in fact, something she’d dreamedthought about before. “Hey, we shout out the warning. If they don’t take it, I can live with that.”
3. What time is it where you are?
Dani turned her wrist over, and glanced at her watch. It was a men’s timepiece and looked oversized on her. “8:37.” She waved her wrist around, annoyed. “That’s two minutes too long for a prank. I just about to get the collar.”
Seriously. When she found Crews, there was going to be some kicking happening.
4. If you were Albus Dumbledore returned from the dead, which member of the Order of the Phoenix would you sexually harass? How would you harass them? If you are Albus Dumbledore, please answer as if you were Sirius Black.
Okay, that was too many hypotheticals. She had no clue who these people were, and anyway-
“I’ve never needed to harass anyone,” Dani said, shortly.
Sore topic. She hadn’t sexually anythinged in about a month and a half. Because, hey, turns out addicts tended to replace one thing with another. It’s not enough to show up to NA once a week. So now it was no drinking, no sex, and a hell of a lot of jogging. Working, sleeping, jogging. That pretty much summed up Dani’s day.
5. If you are pushing to be in:
A. Slytherin - please state the clever, witty name of the bar in which you bartend, in the dark.
Once again, a definite Charlie question. The shit he asked her during ride alongs was even more annoying when put to paper.
“Good bar names aren’t clever, because then bartenders have to deal with people repeating the pun all night. They’re either to the point, or pretentious.”
She paused, picking at the desk finish. “Last Call. I don’t do well with pretentious.”
B. Gryffindor - Debate whether Harry should ultimately end up married to Fred or George. Use examples from a variety of world mythologies to bolster your argument.
“Whichever one doesn’t buy feathered levitating robot pens and old stone hallways to set up a freaking prank,” Dani snapped. “Crews, cut it out, or I’m seriously going to shoot your new toy. Last warning.”
C. Ravenclaw - You guys are supposed to be smart. Explain why my desk is inundated with paperwork at all times, even though I’m constantly disposing of it.
“Because people keep shooting each other?" Dani threw her hands up, in a 'what are you gonna do?' sort a gesture. "Never ending case reports are a symptom of a problem.”
D. Hufflepuff - Prove you are not useless.
Oh. She was going to hurt him. She was going to bring significant bodily harm upon his person.
“Let me tell you a little bit about my day,” Dani said, straighting up and crossing her arms over her chest. “I wake up, and fix the inevitably leaking pipes in my kitchen, bathroom, and basement because my landlord is either lazy, or died three months ago without telling anyone. I go running, because it helps me stay on the program, because I want to stay on the program or I lose my job. When I get to my job -the one I constantly remind myself I want to keep - my partner is going into a rant about oranges or bananas or exhaust fumes, my boss is checking to see if I’ve slipped, and my desk is covered in paperwork. Because, as I said, people keep shooting each other.”
She paused, more for effect than a need of oxygen.
“At any point in the day, I get called in to look at the scene of said shootings, while my partner stands behind me, this time ranting about snow peas. Eleven hours pass, and when I know I can’t take one more rant, I call it a day and go home. I run some more. Sometimes, I sit down to a book and a glass of grape juice - because that’s how everyone likes to unwind, grape juice - only to have my phone ring, signaling more rants, shootings, and paperwork.”
She paused, staring coolly at the quill. “And today, that apparently wasn’t enough, because I’m subject to half-thought out pranks, too. Crews, I hope you kept the warranty”
6. Offer a bribe to the members of this community so that they will not squib you. Items used in bribery do not necessarily have to belong to the person offering the bribe. Do not threaten us rather than offering a bribe. A threat indicates you either don't really want to be here, or don't have enough sense to answer the question properly. The hat will automatically squib you, regardless of other votes, if you do.
“I speak English, Spanish and Farsi, if you need a translator. I can also...take care of parking tickets?” Hey, cash was out. She was on a detective’s salary.
Anyway, what the hell did a millionaire need a bribe for? Having been a pretty good sport throughout the whole...whatever this was, Dani stepped back, looking none too happy.
“That’s it, right? I don’t need to write anymore? Good.”
Dani whipped her gun out of its holster, and aimed for the pen. Then, thinking better of it (the echo would be maddening, as would the paperwork), she picked the pen up, snapping it in half. Her fingers were now covered in ink, but she was going to go ahead and call it a fair trade.
"I have read the hogwarts_hocus faq, and understand it is a crazy, cracktastic sorting community and RPG. Dani Reese.
I have read the hogwarts_hocus rules and agree to abide by each and every one of them. Dani Reese.
I agree to be a good sport and not get my knickers in a bunch. Dani Reese.
One day, marmalade will rule the world. Dani Reese."
8:35 p.m. on LA’s Sunset Boulevard. For the past eleven hours and thirty-four minutes, Detective Dani Reese had been on the trail of a known felon, wanted in connection with two murders. The search for said felon had involved, in no particular order:
-A flock of semi-wild chickens
-An inebriated watermelon salesman
-An hour of karaoke
And last, but not least:
-Hearing a cassette tape of a creepy old British man reading bull Zen sayings over, and over, and over again.
So entering the den of a crackhouse, only to find herself in a freezing stone room? Not the weirdest thing that Dani had experienced that day.
She walked over to the lone table, and read over the sheet of paper.
1. What is your favorite cheese? Why is it your favorite?
Okay, this right here? Definitely something Crews would ask. She was going to put her money on an ill-thought out prank.
“Ackawi.” The way she said it hinted at a fluency in Farsi, despite being born and raised in Los Angeles. “It’s used in a lot of Middle Eastern - that pen is moving.”
Arching an eyebrow, Dani leaned in and waved her hand over the pen. No wires. She rolled her eyes and stood back up.
“Crews, how much did that set you back? I don’t care how nice the people at Sharper Image are - salesmen are not your friends.”
2. Who would you kill first, Barney or Carrottop?
“We’re talking as if Barney were a living, breathing, stuffed purple dinosaur?” Which, in and of itself made no sense, but four months partnering with wanna-be Zen master taught you to operate in ludicrous hypotheticals. “Not just a guy in a suit?” Looking from side to side, Dani leaned against the desk, keeping an eye on the pen. Yeah. Still moving.
“As a member of the LAPD, I don’t use force erroneously. But if either individual were to commit a felony, conspire to commit a felony...looked like they were conspiring to commit a felony...” Dani trailed off, shrugging. This was, in fact, something she’d dreamedthought about before. “Hey, we shout out the warning. If they don’t take it, I can live with that.”
3. What time is it where you are?
Dani turned her wrist over, and glanced at her watch. It was a men’s timepiece and looked oversized on her. “8:37.” She waved her wrist around, annoyed. “That’s two minutes too long for a prank. I just about to get the collar.”
Seriously. When she found Crews, there was going to be some kicking happening.
4. If you were Albus Dumbledore returned from the dead, which member of the Order of the Phoenix would you sexually harass? How would you harass them? If you are Albus Dumbledore, please answer as if you were Sirius Black.
Okay, that was too many hypotheticals. She had no clue who these people were, and anyway-
“I’ve never needed to harass anyone,” Dani said, shortly.
Sore topic. She hadn’t sexually anythinged in about a month and a half. Because, hey, turns out addicts tended to replace one thing with another. It’s not enough to show up to NA once a week. So now it was no drinking, no sex, and a hell of a lot of jogging. Working, sleeping, jogging. That pretty much summed up Dani’s day.
5. If you are pushing to be in:
A. Slytherin - please state the clever, witty name of the bar in which you bartend, in the dark.
Once again, a definite Charlie question. The shit he asked her during ride alongs was even more annoying when put to paper.
“Good bar names aren’t clever, because then bartenders have to deal with people repeating the pun all night. They’re either to the point, or pretentious.”
She paused, picking at the desk finish. “Last Call. I don’t do well with pretentious.”
B. Gryffindor - Debate whether Harry should ultimately end up married to Fred or George. Use examples from a variety of world mythologies to bolster your argument.
“Whichever one doesn’t buy feathered levitating robot pens and old stone hallways to set up a freaking prank,” Dani snapped. “Crews, cut it out, or I’m seriously going to shoot your new toy. Last warning.”
C. Ravenclaw - You guys are supposed to be smart. Explain why my desk is inundated with paperwork at all times, even though I’m constantly disposing of it.
“Because people keep shooting each other?" Dani threw her hands up, in a 'what are you gonna do?' sort a gesture. "Never ending case reports are a symptom of a problem.”
D. Hufflepuff - Prove you are not useless.
Oh. She was going to hurt him. She was going to bring significant bodily harm upon his person.
“Let me tell you a little bit about my day,” Dani said, straighting up and crossing her arms over her chest. “I wake up, and fix the inevitably leaking pipes in my kitchen, bathroom, and basement because my landlord is either lazy, or died three months ago without telling anyone. I go running, because it helps me stay on the program, because I want to stay on the program or I lose my job. When I get to my job -the one I constantly remind myself I want to keep - my partner is going into a rant about oranges or bananas or exhaust fumes, my boss is checking to see if I’ve slipped, and my desk is covered in paperwork. Because, as I said, people keep shooting each other.”
She paused, more for effect than a need of oxygen.
“At any point in the day, I get called in to look at the scene of said shootings, while my partner stands behind me, this time ranting about snow peas. Eleven hours pass, and when I know I can’t take one more rant, I call it a day and go home. I run some more. Sometimes, I sit down to a book and a glass of grape juice - because that’s how everyone likes to unwind, grape juice - only to have my phone ring, signaling more rants, shootings, and paperwork.”
She paused, staring coolly at the quill. “And today, that apparently wasn’t enough, because I’m subject to half-thought out pranks, too. Crews, I hope you kept the warranty”
6. Offer a bribe to the members of this community so that they will not squib you. Items used in bribery do not necessarily have to belong to the person offering the bribe. Do not threaten us rather than offering a bribe. A threat indicates you either don't really want to be here, or don't have enough sense to answer the question properly. The hat will automatically squib you, regardless of other votes, if you do.
“I speak English, Spanish and Farsi, if you need a translator. I can also...take care of parking tickets?” Hey, cash was out. She was on a detective’s salary.
Anyway, what the hell did a millionaire need a bribe for? Having been a pretty good sport throughout the whole...whatever this was, Dani stepped back, looking none too happy.
“That’s it, right? I don’t need to write anymore? Good.”
Dani whipped her gun out of its holster, and aimed for the pen. Then, thinking better of it (the echo would be maddening, as would the paperwork), she picked the pen up, snapping it in half. Her fingers were now covered in ink, but she was going to go ahead and call it a fair trade.
"I have read the hogwarts_hocus faq, and understand it is a crazy, cracktastic sorting community and RPG. Dani Reese.
I have read the hogwarts_hocus rules and agree to abide by each and every one of them. Dani Reese.
I agree to be a good sport and not get my knickers in a bunch. Dani Reese.
One day, marmalade will rule the world. Dani Reese."