Application: Spike (Buffy the Vampire Slayer)
((OOC: I've contacted the BtVS muns that were listed as active; but I'm terribly sorry if I forgot someone! Additionally, for reference, I'm taking Spike just after he leaves Sunnydale in Season 2. Hooray for rifts in time!))
A Chaos Demon. He'd been dumped for a bloody Chaos Demon.
There were some things that just weren't right in the world, and having your lover/sire/sort-of-sister of over a century dump you for something that looked like a snotty tissue packed with lard was just... not right. But Spike had a plan to change this. Right now, this plan involved a lot of drinking and smashing things, and a place to lay low to do it in.
Oh, who was he kidding? Laying low was hardly his style - proven by the rather loud bang he made when he kicked the door to the castle open. Spike had heard about this place, with its many witches (and its few vampires), not to mention all the other interesting little bits. Like a variety buffet, so to speak.
"DRUSILLA!" Spike roared, stalking into the middle of the room. "Dru, if you're here, I'm going to tear you into messes! DRU." Oh, there was no point in shouting, she wouldn't be here. But at least this place sounded interesting enough to stay for a while while he regrouped. And it had felt bloody good to just yell at her, even if she wouldn't hear it.
This was just insulting. Snatching up one of the application papers, Spike peered at it in confusion.
1. What is your favorite cheese? Why is it your favorite?
Lips silently moving, repeating the question to himself, the vampire rumbled a growl low in his throat. "Now, riddle me this, people," he called, his North London accent growing sharper in displeasure. "How exactly do you figure that I'm going to be able to read this? They didn't teach us everything in the 1880's, you know."
He read the question again, expression tight in irritation. It had been a while since he'd actually needed to read, but eventually the scribbles took on a familiar shape. Mostly, Spike had just willfully forgotten how to read and write, due to some incidents during his years of being alive that he would never mention.
"That cheese dust from Doritos. There's this neat trick I learned involving bleeding a person dry, and putting the dust on the bit you're sucking blood from. Froths up like a milkshake."
Hey, there was a feather taking down his answers. Better than writing, that was.
2. Who would you kill first, Barney or Carrottop?
Ah, this was a much better question. Spike looked around for the people in question, and appeared rather disappointed when they weren't actually there.
"How am I supposed to know if I can't have a go at it? What a cocktease," he grumbled. "I'd only answer that based on experience. I could do with a good spot of violence to clear the sinuses. Whoever was the weakest would die first."
3. What time is it where you are?
...That was a bloody stupid question, seeing as he was here, and they should know. Idiots.
"Just after sunrise, when all the nasty creatures come out to play," Spike snorted.
4. If you were Albus Dumbledore returned from the dead, which member of the Order of the Phoenix would you sexually harass? How would you harass them? If you are Albus Dumbledore, please answer as if you were Sirius Black.
Spike wasn't the kind of vampire to sexually harass a person unless there was something in it for him other than sex. (But then again, Spike only sexually harassed for blood, and that was only a small percent of the time. The rest of the time he did it for love - which vampires could do, and Spike did it often, and foolishly.)
"Depends if any of them are actually worth it," he smirked. "For all I know, the lot of them are just old men or woman who haven't even thought about sex for twenty years. Not very appealing, really."
5. If you are pushing to be in:
A. Slytherin - please state the clever, witty name of the bar in which you bartend, in the dark.
As he read the question - trying for some time to figure out what 'Slytherin' was - Spike patted at the pockets of his leather duster. As soon as he found a rather battered packet of cigarettes, he lit one and took a deep drag. That was much better.
"I'd name it The Railway." Clearly a personal joke; Spike wasn't going to bother explaining it.
B. Gryffindor - Debate whether Harry should ultimately end up married to Fred or George. Use examples from a variety of world mythologies to bolster your argument.
"Bloody hell, these questions are just getting stranger." The vampire scowled in irritation. All he wanted was a good old fight, or some meals running around, and he was confronted with this. Bastards.
But there was only one answer to that. "Simple. They don't get married like wankers, they let me bleed them dry and turn them. You see, vampires don't give a flying toss about monogamy, or gender, so they could all live happily ever after. And I'd get a good meal out of it."
C. Ravenclaw - You guys are supposed to be smart. Explain why my desk is inundated with paperwork at all times, even though I’m constantly disposing of it.
No one could ever accuse Spike of being smart in a text-book way. He had street-smarts, yes - cunning, ruthless single-mindedness, and a fairly good general knowledge about odd things such as the occasional demon language. But he was hardly paperwork material.
As it was, Spike was more concerned with blowing smoke rings. "Just take a lighter to the lot, that'll solve your problem right quick."
D. Hufflepuff - Prove you are not useless.
"Oh, don't make me laugh," Spike scowled. He'd almost be offended, except that it was clear that a complete idiot wrote these questions.
Lifting his hand to check that his black nail polish wasn't too chipped - though it was, quite a lot - the vampire pursed his lips in annoyance. "If it wasn't for me, that nancy-boy Billy Idol wouldn't have been the same. He stole his look from me, I tell you, and then he runs off and gets all popular for singing about absolute bloody rubbish. Wanker."
6. Offer a bribe to the members of this community so that they will not squib you. Items used in bribery do not necessarily have to belong to the person offering the bribe.
Typically, such a question would be met with The only bribe you're getting is my teeth in your neck, but Spike had a feeling he had to play this one diplomatically. But he wasn't that great at being diplomatic.
"You're not getting my fags, or my lighter." Or the nail polish - Spike was keeping that. And he sure as hell wasn't going to give them his wallet. Or any of his clothes. What else was there? "I suppose I could wallop someone if asked."
There, a bribe, and it would make him feel better if anybody asked him for it!
I have read the hogwarts_hocus faq, and understand it is a crazy, cracktastic sorting community and RPG. ______S______
I have read the hogwarts_hocus rules and agree to abide by each and every one of them. _____S______.
I agree to be a good sport and not get my knickers in a bunch. _____S______.
One day, marmalade will rule the world. ______S_______
A Chaos Demon. He'd been dumped for a bloody Chaos Demon.
There were some things that just weren't right in the world, and having your lover/sire/sort-of-sister of over a century dump you for something that looked like a snotty tissue packed with lard was just... not right. But Spike had a plan to change this. Right now, this plan involved a lot of drinking and smashing things, and a place to lay low to do it in.
Oh, who was he kidding? Laying low was hardly his style - proven by the rather loud bang he made when he kicked the door to the castle open. Spike had heard about this place, with its many witches (and its few vampires), not to mention all the other interesting little bits. Like a variety buffet, so to speak.
"DRUSILLA!" Spike roared, stalking into the middle of the room. "Dru, if you're here, I'm going to tear you into messes! DRU." Oh, there was no point in shouting, she wouldn't be here. But at least this place sounded interesting enough to stay for a while while he regrouped. And it had felt bloody good to just yell at her, even if she wouldn't hear it.
This was just insulting. Snatching up one of the application papers, Spike peered at it in confusion.
1. What is your favorite cheese? Why is it your favorite?
Lips silently moving, repeating the question to himself, the vampire rumbled a growl low in his throat. "Now, riddle me this, people," he called, his North London accent growing sharper in displeasure. "How exactly do you figure that I'm going to be able to read this? They didn't teach us everything in the 1880's, you know."
He read the question again, expression tight in irritation. It had been a while since he'd actually needed to read, but eventually the scribbles took on a familiar shape. Mostly, Spike had just willfully forgotten how to read and write, due to some incidents during his years of being alive that he would never mention.
"That cheese dust from Doritos. There's this neat trick I learned involving bleeding a person dry, and putting the dust on the bit you're sucking blood from. Froths up like a milkshake."
Hey, there was a feather taking down his answers. Better than writing, that was.
2. Who would you kill first, Barney or Carrottop?
Ah, this was a much better question. Spike looked around for the people in question, and appeared rather disappointed when they weren't actually there.
"How am I supposed to know if I can't have a go at it? What a cocktease," he grumbled. "I'd only answer that based on experience. I could do with a good spot of violence to clear the sinuses. Whoever was the weakest would die first."
3. What time is it where you are?
...That was a bloody stupid question, seeing as he was here, and they should know. Idiots.
"Just after sunrise, when all the nasty creatures come out to play," Spike snorted.
4. If you were Albus Dumbledore returned from the dead, which member of the Order of the Phoenix would you sexually harass? How would you harass them? If you are Albus Dumbledore, please answer as if you were Sirius Black.
Spike wasn't the kind of vampire to sexually harass a person unless there was something in it for him other than sex. (But then again, Spike only sexually harassed for blood, and that was only a small percent of the time. The rest of the time he did it for love - which vampires could do, and Spike did it often, and foolishly.)
"Depends if any of them are actually worth it," he smirked. "For all I know, the lot of them are just old men or woman who haven't even thought about sex for twenty years. Not very appealing, really."
5. If you are pushing to be in:
A. Slytherin - please state the clever, witty name of the bar in which you bartend, in the dark.
As he read the question - trying for some time to figure out what 'Slytherin' was - Spike patted at the pockets of his leather duster. As soon as he found a rather battered packet of cigarettes, he lit one and took a deep drag. That was much better.
"I'd name it The Railway." Clearly a personal joke; Spike wasn't going to bother explaining it.
B. Gryffindor - Debate whether Harry should ultimately end up married to Fred or George. Use examples from a variety of world mythologies to bolster your argument.
"Bloody hell, these questions are just getting stranger." The vampire scowled in irritation. All he wanted was a good old fight, or some meals running around, and he was confronted with this. Bastards.
But there was only one answer to that. "Simple. They don't get married like wankers, they let me bleed them dry and turn them. You see, vampires don't give a flying toss about monogamy, or gender, so they could all live happily ever after. And I'd get a good meal out of it."
C. Ravenclaw - You guys are supposed to be smart. Explain why my desk is inundated with paperwork at all times, even though I’m constantly disposing of it.
No one could ever accuse Spike of being smart in a text-book way. He had street-smarts, yes - cunning, ruthless single-mindedness, and a fairly good general knowledge about odd things such as the occasional demon language. But he was hardly paperwork material.
As it was, Spike was more concerned with blowing smoke rings. "Just take a lighter to the lot, that'll solve your problem right quick."
D. Hufflepuff - Prove you are not useless.
"Oh, don't make me laugh," Spike scowled. He'd almost be offended, except that it was clear that a complete idiot wrote these questions.
Lifting his hand to check that his black nail polish wasn't too chipped - though it was, quite a lot - the vampire pursed his lips in annoyance. "If it wasn't for me, that nancy-boy Billy Idol wouldn't have been the same. He stole his look from me, I tell you, and then he runs off and gets all popular for singing about absolute bloody rubbish. Wanker."
6. Offer a bribe to the members of this community so that they will not squib you. Items used in bribery do not necessarily have to belong to the person offering the bribe.
Typically, such a question would be met with The only bribe you're getting is my teeth in your neck, but Spike had a feeling he had to play this one diplomatically. But he wasn't that great at being diplomatic.
"You're not getting my fags, or my lighter." Or the nail polish - Spike was keeping that. And he sure as hell wasn't going to give them his wallet. Or any of his clothes. What else was there? "I suppose I could wallop someone if asked."
There, a bribe, and it would make him feel better if anybody asked him for it!
I have read the hogwarts_hocus faq, and understand it is a crazy, cracktastic sorting community and RPG. ______S______
I have read the hogwarts_hocus rules and agree to abide by each and every one of them. _____S______.
I agree to be a good sport and not get my knickers in a bunch. _____S______.
One day, marmalade will rule the world. ______S_______