Application for Virginia Braithwaite - At Home With The Braithwaites

[vbraithwaite]

Virginia looked around, not really knowing what she was doing here.

Lighting up a cigarette, she sat down on the ground,

"Fuck!"

Comments

[carriesapurse]

Tinky Winky had what one might call a new lease on life. Not only had he risen anew from the abyss of popcorning, he had now been hunted down by reunited with his indispensable Narrator. The Narrator, invisible yet audible to all, told Tinky Winky what to do. Without him, Tinky Winky could not even try to function. The Teletubby would forget when and even how to sleep. He would forget to eat. He would run into walls haplessly, resulting in a bizarre quasi-frottage -- well, that last bit Tinky Winky was capable of doing even with the Narrator trying to guide him away. Ah, well, no one's perfect.

He had been joyfully reacquainting himself with the features of his Hogwarts life. The chaw parlor! Soon it would be Brokeback Thursday! He would have to find his fiance Mikaw, and celebrate! And there was the wedding to look forward to --

OH! The woman in the Sorting Room was saying something about marriage. 'Gettin' piggin' married,' to be exact. Tinky Winky wasn't sure what pigging was, but if it was anything like what happened when all the Teletubbies were crawling in a line and Dipsy was next in line behind Tinky Winky ... he was sure he would love it.

"Mawwiage!" the tall purple Teletubby caroled to the applicant.

[vbraithwaite]

"What the?"

Virginia looked around to be faced with, well, she wasn't too sure what she was faced with. It seemed to be a little bit too over enthusiastic about marriage. Quickly giving him a quick once over, eyes glancing past the handbag, Virginia found she was dealing with one of her own.

"Ahh, a supporter of gay marriage are we?"

She patted every one of her pockets, putting her hand inside the lining of her inner pocket. In the hole. she found a nipped cigarette, and proceeded to light it, whilst looking curiously at the.....creature.

"I've got a few things to tell you about marriage. Don't do it. Seriously. Get your fucking ass on the get out of shit free card, piss all over go, and collect the wedding presents, but do not, and I mean it, I do, do not say "I do" Milk what you can and then fuck the fuck off."

[carriesapurse]

As far as Tinky Winky was concerned, gay marriage was the only kind of marriage. "Mawwiage!" he crowed again, nodding so hard his inverted-triangle antenna flapped with the vehemence of the movement. "GAY mawwiage!"

So excited was he by this notion, he broke out into spontaneous interpretive dance.

There was one thing the lady said that Tinky Winky didn't quite understand. He stopped and fixed her with his vast creepy black eyes. "Fuck? Fucking ass?"

[vbraithwaite]

"Whats the matter? Don't you know what those mean?"

Virginia smirked, she could see this being fun.

"Do you know what bum means? Or tit? Or Twunt? Or any of piss, shit, bollocks, twatting, pisstastic, fucktastic, bastarding, pissing, jobby, plamf, or cocking mean?"

[carriesapurse]

The Narrator, sensing Tinky Winky slipping from his iron grip, broke in at this point.

"I do cocaine," he announced. The disembodied voice of the Narrator was that of a man, decidedly mature, a deep oily voice.

"Fuck!" said Tinky Winky.

"Nooooooooo," admonished the Narrator.

"Nooooooooo," echoed Tinky Winky with a giggle, and promptly his knees gave way. With a clunk and a jingle, he fell on his ass and began to kick his round purple treaded feet in the air.

[vbraithwaite]

Virginia didn't have a clue what was happening, but realised that the thing, which she was disturbingly growing fond of, was enjoying himself with the swearing, so she decided to swear some more, because she enjoyed it,

"Cocking, twatting, munting, chunting, cameltoeing, titwanking wanker"

Pausing for a second,

"Hey! Can you say Fucking wanking willytastic titty wanker?"

vote: Sparklypoo

[carriesapurse]

"Munting! Chunting! Munting! Chunting!" Tinky Winky wriggled his way back up to a standing position and began to circle in a one-Teletubby conga line. "Munting! Chunting!"

Exasperated, the Narrator sighed. Why had he ever rejoined Tinky Winky? He had no idea, except that it was dictated by the obvious cosmic reasons known to the Narrator race from time immemorial, the laws written on cracked obsidian tablets enshrined in the bowels of hell. And by the twenty hairy bollocks of Azathoth, the Narrator so wished those laws abolished.

"One day, in Hogwartstubbyland," he droned, "Tinky Winky made a new friend. Tinky Winky voted his friend into Sparklypoo because it was the best house and because Tinky Winky lived there."

"Munting! Chunting! FUCK!"

Re: vote: Sparklypoo

[vbraithwaite]

Virginia raked around in her pocket again, and this time found a squashed packet of cigarettes,

"You know what, you're cool, I like you. You should say those words to everyone! Shout it everywhere you go! Want a pissing fag?"

She shoved the box in his direction, a beaming smile on her face.