Application: Sergeant Schlock, Schlock Mercenary (webcomic)

[ominous_hum]

Somewhere near the ceiling of the Sorting Room, there is a sound much like a baseball bat being passed through a coffee maker, and then a large gray-green mass materializes out of thin air and lands on the ground with a splatch. It sits there for a moment, inert, and then a pair of eyes emerge and pan around the room. The mass sprouts a pair of

Comments

[lemondrop_party]

"Attorney drones, eh?" Albus chuckled. "We do have our share of lawyers here. I think they would like to remain in one piece. That's quite a firearm you have there. Is it for pest control only, or is it a multifunction device?"

[ominous_hum]

"Well, I don't get paid if they're not actually attorney drones of the Partnership Collective, so they should be safe." Schlock mulls that over. "Unless they get me angry." He scratches what on a human might be a chin. "Or they get between me and my Genuine Imitation Ovalkwik.

"And the plasgun? Well, this model's a multifunction unit. It's got a rocket mode - the only difference between a plasma rocket and a plasma cannon is which way the switch is pointing, really - and it's got a variable beam aperture that can go from surgical-narrow to screaming-carnage wide." He grins. "Plus, it makes this really nice soothing sound."

[lemondrop_party]

Would it be much of a surprise to any of Albus's acquaintances that, of all those capabilities, it was the soothing sound that appealed to him most?

"Almost as nice as a Muggle hair dryer," he mused happily.

[ominous_hum]

"Yep. The ominous hum's how you know it's working."

[lemondrop_party]

"Now, tell me about this Genuine Imitation Ovalkwik, if you please." Albus was fascinated. So was his sweet tooth.

[ominous_hum]

"Mmmmm ... Ovalkwik." Schlock gets a happy grin on his ... er ... face, and seems to slump in relaxation. "How'd the cook put it? 'Stimulant cocktail cut with shampoo and inert ultra-tensile carbon?' I generally get it in the economy-size buckets when the cook makes a run to the Costclub. They last a little longer." He scratches ... well, not exactly his head, but the top of his body. "I don't actually know any humans who like it, but the stuff's gotta be popular, or they wouldn't sell it, would they?"

vote: Ravenclaw

[lemondrop_party]

Albus stroked his beard-ponytail in thought. Finally he pronounced: "I know of no better house for a space creature who drinks shampoo than Ravenclaw."