Application: Sergeant Schlock, Schlock Mercenary (webcomic)
Somewhere near the ceiling of the Sorting Room, there is a sound much like a baseball bat being passed through a coffee maker, and then a large gray-green mass materializes out of thin air and lands on the ground with a splatch. It sits there for a moment, inert, and then a pair of eyes emerge and pan around the room. The mass sprouts a pair of arms, then a hole appears in it and lets out an incoherent moan.
Then the hole forms words. Specifically, the words: "KEVYN! You better not have been tinkering with the teraport again, or I'm going to rip your head off! Again!"
One of the mass's arms reaches into the hole - or rather, the mouth - and pulls out a very large handgun, the size of a bowling ball with a barrel bigger than a soup can. With a flick of a switch, the gun starts giving off a soft, ominous hum, building in intensity until the switch is thrown again. Satisfied, the creature puts the enormous gun back in its mouth, and spies a questionnaire, a roll of parchment, and a hovering quill that has apparently scribbled down the creature's rant. "The hey?" the creature asks, and sees the quill scribble again.
"Okay, that's weird." Scribble. "Stop that." Scribble. "I said stop it." Scribble scribble.
The creature pulls out the handgun again, throws the switch from before, and points it right at the quill as the ommmmmmminous hummmmm starts to build. The quill stops.
"Hmf," the creature growls, and stuffs the gun back in its mouth, drawing out a small device. "Kevyn, this is Schlock, can you read me?"
"Kevyn? Elf? Shodan? Captain Tagon? Anyone?"
Schlock sighs and drops the device back into his mouth, then looks back at the questionnaire.
1. What is your favorite cheese? Why is it your favorite?
He looks at Question One with surprise. "Oh, that's an easy one. Er ... what sort of cheese do they use in chupaquesos?"
2. Who would you kill first, Barney or Carrottop?
"Who's closer?" Schlock asks, then pauses. "Come to think of it, probably I should be asking, how much is each one worth?"
3. What time is it where you are?
"Easy," he says, pulling out a small chronometer from his mouth. "2305 on Earth's capital ... wait." He pushes a button on the chronometer. "Make that 1394 Tausennigan time." Beep. "2682 Ghanj-Rho local?" Beep. "0176 Creeth - or is that Golbwerian?" He pushes the button once more, then shrugs. "Ah, the heck with it," he says, and tosses the chronometer back into his mouth.
4. If you were Albus Dumbledore returned from the dead, which member of the Order of the Phoenix would you sexually harass? How would you harass them? If you are Albus Dumbledore, please answer as if you were Sirius Black.
"Oh, no. We're not going there. Last time I went through that, I ended up getting my eyes clawed out by diamond beetles." He shudders - quite an unnerving sight.
5. If you are pushing to be in:
A. Slytherin - please state the clever, witty name of the bar in which you bartend, in the dark.
"Hm. Exotic local names are pretty good. Us amorphs came from a place called Ghanj-Rho, so maybe the Club Ghanj-Rho? Or wait, native languages make it even more exotic! So in my people's native language, it'd be the Club *bruuuurp*."
B. Gryffindor - Debate whether Harry should ultimately end up married to Fred or George. Use examples from a variety of world mythologies to bolster your argument.
Schlock frowns at that question. "Myfo ... mythogol ... myth ... hey, when do we break for lunch?"
C. Ravenclaw - You guys are supposed to be smart. Explain why my desk is inundated with paperwork at all times, even though I’m constantly disposing of it.
"Ooh!" Schlock says, starting to bounce a little. "Sounds like you've got an infestation of attorney drones! I can help with that!" he continues, pulling out his gun and switching it on again.
D. Hufflepuff - Prove you are not useless.
"I'm a special-operations sergeant in a company of space mercenaries. I get paid to hurt people and break things, and I'm very good at my job. Take a look at my pay stub if you need proof," Schlock responds, sounding and looking incredibly miffed. (For an amorphous blob, he can be very expressive.)
6. Offer a bribe to the members of this community so that they will not squib you. Items used in bribery do not necessarily have to belong to the person offering the bribe. Do not threaten us rather than offering a bribe. A threat indicates you either don't really want to be here, or don't have enough sense to answer the question properly. The hat will automatically squib you, regardless of other votes, if you do.
"Well, you do have that problem with the attorney drones, and my company gets a bounty for killing them. I could deal you in for a twenty-five percent cut on the ones you've got messing around with your desk." Schlock hefts the enormous, ommmmmmminously hummmmming gun. "How's that?"
"I have read the hogwarts_hocus faq, and understand it is a crazy, cracktastic sorting community and RPG. _schlock_
I have read the hogwarts_hocus rules and agree to abide by each and every one of them. _schlock_.
I agree to be a good sport and not get my knickers in a bunch. _schlock_.
One day, marmalade will rule the world. _wow, that's some ambitious marmalade. I know a psycho-bear that might like to meet it_"
Then the hole forms words. Specifically, the words: "KEVYN! You better not have been tinkering with the teraport again, or I'm going to rip your head off! Again!"
One of the mass's arms reaches into the hole - or rather, the mouth - and pulls out a very large handgun, the size of a bowling ball with a barrel bigger than a soup can. With a flick of a switch, the gun starts giving off a soft, ominous hum, building in intensity until the switch is thrown again. Satisfied, the creature puts the enormous gun back in its mouth, and spies a questionnaire, a roll of parchment, and a hovering quill that has apparently scribbled down the creature's rant. "The hey?" the creature asks, and sees the quill scribble again.
"Okay, that's weird." Scribble. "Stop that." Scribble. "I said stop it." Scribble scribble.
The creature pulls out the handgun again, throws the switch from before, and points it right at the quill as the ommmmmmminous hummmmm starts to build. The quill stops.
"Hmf," the creature growls, and stuffs the gun back in its mouth, drawing out a small device. "Kevyn, this is Schlock, can you read me?"
"Kevyn? Elf? Shodan? Captain Tagon? Anyone?"
Schlock sighs and drops the device back into his mouth, then looks back at the questionnaire.
1. What is your favorite cheese? Why is it your favorite?
He looks at Question One with surprise. "Oh, that's an easy one. Er ... what sort of cheese do they use in chupaquesos?"
2. Who would you kill first, Barney or Carrottop?
"Who's closer?" Schlock asks, then pauses. "Come to think of it, probably I should be asking, how much is each one worth?"
3. What time is it where you are?
"Easy," he says, pulling out a small chronometer from his mouth. "2305 on Earth's capital ... wait." He pushes a button on the chronometer. "Make that 1394 Tausennigan time." Beep. "2682 Ghanj-Rho local?" Beep. "0176 Creeth - or is that Golbwerian?" He pushes the button once more, then shrugs. "Ah, the heck with it," he says, and tosses the chronometer back into his mouth.
4. If you were Albus Dumbledore returned from the dead, which member of the Order of the Phoenix would you sexually harass? How would you harass them? If you are Albus Dumbledore, please answer as if you were Sirius Black.
"Oh, no. We're not going there. Last time I went through that, I ended up getting my eyes clawed out by diamond beetles." He shudders - quite an unnerving sight.
5. If you are pushing to be in:
A. Slytherin - please state the clever, witty name of the bar in which you bartend, in the dark.
"Hm. Exotic local names are pretty good. Us amorphs came from a place called Ghanj-Rho, so maybe the Club Ghanj-Rho? Or wait, native languages make it even more exotic! So in my people's native language, it'd be the Club *bruuuurp*."
B. Gryffindor - Debate whether Harry should ultimately end up married to Fred or George. Use examples from a variety of world mythologies to bolster your argument.
Schlock frowns at that question. "Myfo ... mythogol ... myth ... hey, when do we break for lunch?"
C. Ravenclaw - You guys are supposed to be smart. Explain why my desk is inundated with paperwork at all times, even though I’m constantly disposing of it.
"Ooh!" Schlock says, starting to bounce a little. "Sounds like you've got an infestation of attorney drones! I can help with that!" he continues, pulling out his gun and switching it on again.
D. Hufflepuff - Prove you are not useless.
"I'm a special-operations sergeant in a company of space mercenaries. I get paid to hurt people and break things, and I'm very good at my job. Take a look at my pay stub if you need proof," Schlock responds, sounding and looking incredibly miffed. (For an amorphous blob, he can be very expressive.)
6. Offer a bribe to the members of this community so that they will not squib you. Items used in bribery do not necessarily have to belong to the person offering the bribe. Do not threaten us rather than offering a bribe. A threat indicates you either don't really want to be here, or don't have enough sense to answer the question properly. The hat will automatically squib you, regardless of other votes, if you do.
"Well, you do have that problem with the attorney drones, and my company gets a bounty for killing them. I could deal you in for a twenty-five percent cut on the ones you've got messing around with your desk." Schlock hefts the enormous, ommmmmmminously hummmmming gun. "How's that?"
"I have read the hogwarts_hocus faq, and understand it is a crazy, cracktastic sorting community and RPG. _schlock_
I have read the hogwarts_hocus rules and agree to abide by each and every one of them. _schlock_.
I agree to be a good sport and not get my knickers in a bunch. _schlock_.
One day, marmalade will rule the world. _wow, that's some ambitious marmalade. I know a psycho-bear that might like to meet it_"