(Dwight Schrute; The Office (US Version))
((Minor spoilers up through the first part of S3. Any links in the application or comments will be spoilerific as well. You have been warned.))
((Approved by Michael- and Jim-muns))A man strode into the Sorting Room, dressed in khakis and a green dress shirt, tie carefully straight, a look of extreme
(
Read more... )
"Yeah, well, I've been waiting here for you guys for MONTHS. I even had to do The Dundies without you - ALL of you! And that - that SUCKED, Dwight. That SUCKED, because doing my Ping impersonation for just myself was NOT fun, especially without your sound effects on the keyboard." That was the closest Michael would get to admitting that he had wanted Dwight there, and in spite of this veiled admission, Michael still looked pretty annoyed.
But his expression softened slightly into something more benevolent - something deliberately benevolent, in fact - in light of Dwight's apologies and sworn allegiance. After all, a good manager makes his employees feel as though there is honor in groveling. Of course, everyone knows that groveling makes one look like an idiot and a baby, but the key was making them think they had some dignity even when they had none. And that was something Michael felt he was particularly good at!
"Well, the first thing you can do is help me with the parchment business I've started here. I've been doing it all myself, and I'm looking for an Assistant to the Regional Manager." Yes, it was a demotion, but Michael had spent the last four months alone, so someone would have to suffer for it, and that person should always be Dwight. He tried to think if there was anything else he could make Dwight do to atone for leaving Michael all alone. Dwight was already doing his laundry for a year. Perhaps he'd make Dwight go to class for him, too. He'd have to think about it.
And then Michael remembered his other problem. The gay one. Thank GOD Dwight was there. If there was anyone Michael could trust with this problem, it was Dwight.
Clearing his throat, he leaned in and started to speak to Dwight in a very quiet voice, the same one he had used when he had asked Dwight for his urine. "I have...another thing...I need you to help me with. But...I need you not to tell anyone about this. Can...can I trust you with this, Dwight?" He looked Dwight in the eye, a very serious expression on his face.
Reply
At Michael's mention of the demotion, though, Dwight's pen stilled for a second and he glanced up at Michael. "I think you mean Assistant Regional Manager, Michael. Or have you forgotten my promotion?"
That tone of voice he knew well and Dwight's expression got intense. "Tell me everything. You can trust me. Just tell me what you need me to do, Michael." He paused. "Question: Does this involve disposal of bodies? If so, how many and how deep in the ground do I need to go to avoid upheaval?"
Reply
Hmmmm, maybe it was too mean to demote Dwight. He did have a good idea, after all.
...Nahhhhhh. Michael couldn't let the guy's head get bigger than it already was, after all - and he meant that both literally and figuratively.
"No, Dwight, I did not forget your promotion. HowEVer, thiiii~iiiiis is not our old branch. This is a new branch of Dunder-Mifflin, and everybody needs to start from scratch, which means that you are now Assistant to the Regional Manager. But...look, Dwight, it's just a title. I mean, okay, it also affects your pay, but - " he waved a hand dismissively and shook his head " - none of that matters. What matters is that I am COUNting on you, Dwight. Think you can handle it?" Make Dwight feel important. Best way to deflect his complaints.
Speaking of which...
Leaning in, Michael said very very softly, with a slight tremor in his voice, "There are no bodies. At least...not dead ones." He swallowed. This was a tough thing to admit to Dwight. "Dwight...not long after I arrived here...I...got hit with a hex. And...it made me gay. And I...need your help in finding someone...who can...deflower me...gently." He stayed like that, his face very close to Dwight's, staring at a point off to the side, avoiding Dwight's gaze. This was so embarrassing, but...it had to be done.
Reply
Giving Michael a serious nod, Dwight said, "You can count on me, Michael. Whatever you need, whatever I can do for you, I'll be the best Assistant Regional Manager I can be. Like the marines, only without a sword. But with...a spud gun."
This was a typical example of the brilliance of Michael Scott, Regional Manager. Before, there was no place to go but up. Or, if corporate has their way, downsized. But now... There's even more room to go up. Motivation. Excellent.
Expression serious, Dwight listened to Michael with a growing sense of horror. Gripping Michael's shoulders, Dwight nodded. "I will deflower you, Michael."
After all, it was the least he could do for his man crush fearless leader.
Reply
"NOT you. Where's Ryan?"
Reply
It was all for the good of Dunder-Mifflin. And Michael Scott. And, possibly, America.
Reply
"GOD, Dwight, no! NO! What - what are you DOing! Just - NO!" A look of horror on his face, Michael flailed his hands out in front of him in a desperate attempt to push Dwight away. "Don't TOUCH me, Dwight! What - what was THAT?!"
Reply
Reply
Again, if it were Ryan, Michael might have reconsidered, but Dwight was most definitely not Ryan, and therefore there was most definitely no way Michael was letting Dwight near him in that sort of capacity!
"I want none of the above, Dwight!" Michael said loudly in a very exasperated tone, his eyes wide and horrified even as he frowned at Dwight. "God, I can't believe you would even THINK of that. BLEEEEEECCCCCCHHHHHHH!" He opened his mouth and purposely gagged heavily. "And - I don't want to know about the condoms you brought with you. Just...just don't involve me in your non-existent sex life, okay, Dwight? Because that is guh-ROSS." Michael gagged again, this time with a finger pushed into his mouth for full effect.
Something Dwight said did resonate with Michael, however. After a pause, he added in a quieter, more serious voice, "Do they - is that what they do - the gays, I mean? Use lubricant? To...to soften the blow?"
Reply
Leave a comment