(no subject)
there was this time when i was still pretty young (13 or so) when i did a very good thing. One of those oddly altruistic things that you do then think later "did my selfish ass really DO that?" It was a simple thing, i climbed up into a tree to get a stranded little kid down. It was a tree growing out almost horizontally over a dry river bed. The kid was a good ways out on the limb, and there was a nasty 30-40ft drop beneath him. I climbed out there, got the kid, and started back. About halfway back the tree gave way in the loose crumbly soil it was rooted in, and i just KNEW we were going to fall. So i tossed the kid to safety (there were people there to catch him, which they did) then attempted to jump clear myself. Unfortunately the tree gave quite a bit when i pushed off to jump and most of my forward momentum was lost. I didn't make it to the safety of the cliff edge. I almost did, but not quite. I landed right at the lip of that cliff my feet sinking a few inches into the clay, the drop-off right beneath me. I thought i was ok for a second, that all i needed to do was get a good handhold and pull myself up. That's when my feet began to slide. All of a sudden the world slowed down. The ground gave out beneath me in infinite slowness and i watched my hands frantically grasping for purchase, looking as if they were moving through molasses. Finally i grabbed something, a mere clump of grass. In my heightened perception i felt that clump give way, felt as every root freed itself from the ground. I gasped as it pulled free of the soil and my fall became an eminent thing. But it still didn't happen instantly. I had a good second or two of heart pumping infinity to fully realize what was going on, knowing the whole time that there was little to nothing i could do about it. This is when my brain decided to remind me that at the bottom of the fall i was about to have there was a long dead tree, lying on its side, its branches reaching for the sky like so many pun-gi sticks.
And boy did i fall. luckily i was close enough to the cliff that i bounced quite a few times on my way down, so i didn't hit the bottom going nearly as fast as i could have. And all the branches missed me. When i was done wiping dirt out of my eyes (and tears, i cried pretty easily back then) i saw all those sharp branches surrounding me, enclosing me in a cage like structure of dead wood. I don't know how i missed them, how i landed in the only spot that wouldn't send 3 feet of wood through my gut. Just lucky i guess.
I'm reminded of that incident because i feel alot like that these days. Not lucky. No, like i've made that jump from the tree and landed on the bank, and the ground has started to slide. I'm at the point where i'm grasping frantically for purchase. I don't know if i'll be able to stop the fall... i don't know if what i'm going to grab is going to pull out of my hand and send me plummeting, or if it will be strong enough to hold me. All i know is my stomach is in knots and my time sense has intensified.
I don't want to fall. If i do i'll survive, i know that, i'll hurt, but i'll survive. Of course i will. But that doesn't mean i want to fall. So this is me grasping, and hoping for something more than mere grass to hold onto this time.
And boy did i fall. luckily i was close enough to the cliff that i bounced quite a few times on my way down, so i didn't hit the bottom going nearly as fast as i could have. And all the branches missed me. When i was done wiping dirt out of my eyes (and tears, i cried pretty easily back then) i saw all those sharp branches surrounding me, enclosing me in a cage like structure of dead wood. I don't know how i missed them, how i landed in the only spot that wouldn't send 3 feet of wood through my gut. Just lucky i guess.
I'm reminded of that incident because i feel alot like that these days. Not lucky. No, like i've made that jump from the tree and landed on the bank, and the ground has started to slide. I'm at the point where i'm grasping frantically for purchase. I don't know if i'll be able to stop the fall... i don't know if what i'm going to grab is going to pull out of my hand and send me plummeting, or if it will be strong enough to hold me. All i know is my stomach is in knots and my time sense has intensified.
I don't want to fall. If i do i'll survive, i know that, i'll hurt, but i'll survive. Of course i will. But that doesn't mean i want to fall. So this is me grasping, and hoping for something more than mere grass to hold onto this time.