today's thoughts, and a little catchup
alittle ketchup too, if I'm not careful. sitting here at the table in the mall typing. I'm in the food court and the mcDonalds is right next to me. lol
I'm posting this here, and not on Facebook, for two primary reasons:
1). Facebook doesn't let me use more then 1000 characters in a 'status update', and 2) Facebook is VERY public and they keep changing their privacy settings, so while the company might be around for decades yet, I ca't be guaranteed that my posting will.
Some tertiary reasons are: facebook would get me either a bitch slap and 'stop whining', or a plethora of contrite responses showing condolences but sharing little truth or much in the way of actual empathy or potential advice. LJ just seems more like the place I can post this and be left alone. if someone responded its cause they have the genuine desire and urge to do so, not because they want to show their friends, co-workers and bosses 'hey, look at me, I did a charitable thing. praise me.'. Afterall, to post and respond on Facebook is fairly simple now days, where as to post and respond here, you gotta log in, and make an effort to put your thoughts and feelings into words. Helpful, compassionate or empty condolences, it was an effort to do so, and no one will care what you said. Because, really, how busy is LJ these days in compairison to the other blog and social media sites?
anyways, to get to the post/shit I was going to say, but have avoided saying so far.......
I made a post on Facebook the other day that stated "I'm hungry but afraid to eat anything. I'm tired of eating something, only to end up in pain afterwards." (or words to that same effect.)
By nature, I enjoy so few things truely anymore. My life has not been pampered. Though by compairison to some, it will have and seem like a princedom indeed. But for what my soul yearns for, it has been a paupers humble shak with a dab of 'outsider untouchable'ness.
Then of course there's the physical issues I have with my body condition and state.
As a child, you grow up with what you have, not knowing anything different. assuming all is equal and balanced. You don't know that the pain your feeling is NOT normal. That the visions, sounds and feelings you get, not everyone gets. That the interpretations of social activities and body language has been set by previous generations and that its expected you will conform to them, not doing so will label you a 'problem child', or worse yet, get you sent to therapists for reasons that are all wrong and completely false.
The world is a topsy turvy place at the best of times. Having to learn to navigate AND determine what is 'safe' and what isn't, can be overwhelming for some and less so for others, But still a problem.
((how many times can I rehash the same regrets? the same emotions? and not learn anything from it?))
To state that I was molested as a child because of my social shyness and awkward social behaviours, is about as accurate as to state that water flows uphill and is always colored blue. Sure I experienced horrendous emotional and physical turmoils as a child. But from what I've learned to date about various behaviours being accurately linked to childhood experiences... sexuall molestion was not one of them. I witnessed my father come home drunk, angry, and violent. Beat my mother, and deny he did any of it. I've witnessed others have sex, I've seen animals killed. I've been physically harmed (unintentionally) by babysitters who thought they were doing a good thing teaching me yoga. I've been physically harmed by parents and relations who didn't know what they were doing... they thought they were punishing a child for doing something bad; but what they were doing was traumatizing me. (no this doesn't come from someone else's pysco-analysis of my history, buut my own examination of the facts as perceived by me, and re-evaluated based on modern definitions and understandings.)
As a child, undiagnosed, but simply labeled as "special", "extraordinarily smart/perceptive" and "possibly trouble"... a lot of issues were left undone till, miss treated and mishandled. Frankly I'm surprised I haven't turned out to be more fucked up then I am already.
lol *sad face*
anyways,... point being, (cause I'm just about to loose my own train of thought here...). I was treated badly, misappropriately diagnosed, and cared for life.
Aspergers, HFA (high functioning autism), Autism, Personality Disorder: Not Otherwise Specified... whatever you want to call it.... it's made for a pretty weird ride through wonderland, and not all of it fun and joyful.
skip ahead a few years... okay 20,... and look at me now... still confused, still mis treated, afraid to show everybody who I am, not allowed to be who I was, and still trying to figure out how to fit into the world around me. Or if not fit, then at least find others similar to myself. (The internet has been more for a Godsent blessing then some realize in this area. Where most just see gatherings of pedophilles, pornographers, and lazy kids playing video games; I see communities of the 'different minded', the multiple souled, the questioning, the yearning.... and yes, no small number of communities of stupid idiotic who have nothing better to do then sit there and complain about EVERYTHING, no matter how good things already are.
I've found some very close, dear and personal friends thanks to the internet. I'm found people who fit the "a reason, a season, and a lifetime" addage. And I thank everyone of them for being who they are, and what they've done. (even if not all of it was positive for my life and emotions.)
Throw in a pile of knowledge about Food and nutrition... and a self analytical mind..... Some physical pains that had been plagueing me for decades have now been identified, no help to medical science practitioners...But that's meant a large change in my diet. as I've removed the worst offenders from my diet, the smaller criminals are now becoming more prominent in their dealings. Frankly, I can see where/why and how somepeople complain; but I'm not making this arguement for the purpose of annoying anyone.
So, here I am, 2.5months away from being 40yrs old, having been the only one to figure out most of my body, but because my results don't match up with the interpretated results the doctors say they get, it means I still can't get the help I need. And I've struggled to get what I do have.
I have a nice new scooter for my mobility, an apartment that's just barely appropriate to my living arrangements, if not my living requirements. and a few devices like this keyboard and phone that I've scrounged thanks to companies like Koodo and Nexxtech (radioshak/source name brand)...
(and once again, what my fingers type is not what my mind wanted to say. I don't know if I'll ever be able to fix that inversion or not.)
ack, I look up and see the stores closing and the mall cops gathering, guess its time I move this popcorn stand to the movie theater. :)
basically, anything I eat unless its made from scratch, fresh in front of me, it makes me hurt. and almost every restaurant, or food vendor uses mass manufactured crap in their menu. withers it a whole entre or just a seasoning mix. artificial flavour enhancers, preservatives and colorants that I once was able to tolerate, or at least ignore; are becoming just as painful to deal with, as the big culprits were to deal with. and it's fucking annoying.
I'm afraid to eat anything, because I don't want to hurt anymore. But If I stop eating, I'll die.....
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