Indecision, Beauty, Energy,
I was planning on waiting to make this post until at least May 1st because I know that I'm indecisive, but you see how well that's going for me.
I was accepted here:
Evergreen State College
Antioch College
Prescott College
UTD
Kalamazoo College
New College of Florida
Northland College
and College of the Atlantic
I decided I don't care at all about Beloit and I am not waiting for their letter. I'm not expecting anything anymore from Marlboro College - I never completed that application. When I was looking for their mandatory graded writing sample (like a research paper), I remembered that I've never written one, or much else that's graded for that matter. Honestly, I didn't find anything that was graded at all.
So: I'm going to College of the Atlantic!
Being wary of contracts and binding--things(!) is a trait that falls in the category of a prided weakness for me. It fits an image I'm attracted to and I wear it like a silk shawl. It's only when I'm reading loan applications and I notice that I am truly and honestly cringing, trying to find a way around it, suggesting quietly in the back of my mind that I just not go to college to avoid this loan, and avoiding looking too long at the paper that it seems anything like a real weakness or a problem to me.
When I was in elementary and middle school, I wanted to be delicate and breakable. I hated my knees, and I hated my darker skin, and I hated how I could climb things. I wanted to be a princess - that beautiful weakness and vulnerability that pretty pale girls with porcelain skin and doll like frames with pretty breakable names like Hannah and Rachel and Elisa embodied.
Sometime later I recovered, and I don't want anything to do with delicacy like that anymore. I'm a very different type of pretty - more like the colors in this icon. Beauty has much more flexible bounds and definitions than I saw before. Beauty is a metaphor, an idea contained in a person or a place, involving weakness, but a weakness specific to the metaphor.
In whatever metaphor I have, or more probably want, I fancy weaknesses like a fear of being tied down, a sense of chaos, indecision - most of which I have, or cultivate, or cultivate and refuse to admit I cultivate.
A harmless weakness otherwise, this near phobia seems more real to me recently. $8,000 is irrationally heavy.
If I've already determined that I subconsciously associate happiness with energy, then I can say that there's potential happiness and kinetic happiness. I have much potential happiness. It looks like meeting someone completely new containing every possibility of perfection and the sublime and being and smiles and thought and conversation and home and thought and mulberries and sunlight and easy greetings and slow speeches and the beautiful new: compressed and glowing in the mould of a human body.
I was accepted here:
Evergreen State College
Antioch College
Prescott College
UTD
Kalamazoo College
New College of Florida
Northland College
and College of the Atlantic
I decided I don't care at all about Beloit and I am not waiting for their letter. I'm not expecting anything anymore from Marlboro College - I never completed that application. When I was looking for their mandatory graded writing sample (like a research paper), I remembered that I've never written one, or much else that's graded for that matter. Honestly, I didn't find anything that was graded at all.
So: I'm going to College of the Atlantic!
Being wary of contracts and binding--things(!) is a trait that falls in the category of a prided weakness for me. It fits an image I'm attracted to and I wear it like a silk shawl. It's only when I'm reading loan applications and I notice that I am truly and honestly cringing, trying to find a way around it, suggesting quietly in the back of my mind that I just not go to college to avoid this loan, and avoiding looking too long at the paper that it seems anything like a real weakness or a problem to me.
When I was in elementary and middle school, I wanted to be delicate and breakable. I hated my knees, and I hated my darker skin, and I hated how I could climb things. I wanted to be a princess - that beautiful weakness and vulnerability that pretty pale girls with porcelain skin and doll like frames with pretty breakable names like Hannah and Rachel and Elisa embodied.
Sometime later I recovered, and I don't want anything to do with delicacy like that anymore. I'm a very different type of pretty - more like the colors in this icon. Beauty has much more flexible bounds and definitions than I saw before. Beauty is a metaphor, an idea contained in a person or a place, involving weakness, but a weakness specific to the metaphor.
In whatever metaphor I have, or more probably want, I fancy weaknesses like a fear of being tied down, a sense of chaos, indecision - most of which I have, or cultivate, or cultivate and refuse to admit I cultivate.
A harmless weakness otherwise, this near phobia seems more real to me recently. $8,000 is irrationally heavy.
If I've already determined that I subconsciously associate happiness with energy, then I can say that there's potential happiness and kinetic happiness. I have much potential happiness. It looks like meeting someone completely new containing every possibility of perfection and the sublime and being and smiles and thought and conversation and home and thought and mulberries and sunlight and easy greetings and slow speeches and the beautiful new: compressed and glowing in the mould of a human body.