I can't help, Andre Rieu
Loneliness.
It would be wrong to say I've never felt so alone. It might be more accurate to say "I've felt this alone before but not with such a lack of hope."
I don't mean the shock of a moment, or even those moments when you know your world has changed. I mean the day-to-day curiosity about why I am here and if it matters.
Health
I keep reminding myself there are physical factors playing into this. I am three weeks free of Benedryl. I truly feel better and my emotions are more stable. Somewhere along the way, it started harming more than it was helping. My skin is tolerable if not great. My sleep is more sound. I am less depressed.
My iron plummetted again. Its been worse, as my doctor noted. This time we caught it before it started affecting my hemoglobin. I had an infusion two weeks ago and am starting to notice improvements. Low iron and low hemoglobin lead to anxiety, depression and derealization. Not to mention the utter fatigue that makes it impossible to opperate "normally"... I'm not even sure if I remember what normal me is. I suspect once we have this under control, there will be a new normal.
Grief
In the last 1.5 years (plus maybe a little more)...
- My mom almost died 3 times in 10 days
- My sister has been rushed to the ER with life threatening problems
- I have lost two grandchildren from my life
- My best friend of 17+ years met a woman and while we are still family, the intimacy of friendship isn't there. This has been one of the most significant losses of my life
- I almost bled to death last summer and a big part of me will always think I had a miscarriage
- I cut off two long-term friends for bad behavior I didn't have the energy to toleate, or patience - and to be honest, they'd been pushing my buttons for some time
- I went through 7 bosses in one year at work and still feel a bit disconnected and underused (a blessing with the health issues but not so great for me feeling valued in the world)
- I've had four friends talk seriously about suicide
- The man of my heart has been distant and sometimes cruel - and unpredictable and cold.
- And let's not talk about the roommate experiment. It cost me a lot of money I could not afford and that threatens my sense of financial security.
And that's a lot. It is no wonder I feel lost and alone. Repeating these facts helps me remember to have some perspective. Sans Benedyl, I am getting better at going to bed when I am exhausted.
**
And today I feel better because you actually talked to me last night. I feel like such a silly sot, tossed about on your yo-yo. I get angry, furious. I get sad, bewildered and desolate.
And then I think about being next to you and know there's nowhere else I'd rather be. Damn you for showing me true intimacy. How could I want less now? How could I want that with anyone else?
Perhaps I am a fool, a dreamer. I also know that while it doesn't seem so, the bad times will pass.