(no subject)
The third worst night of my life. 2023
Commentary:
Coming up on one year, this looms. I still feel scared and alone - less scared, more alone. I often wonder why I am still here. I cannot think of a compelling argument about why it matters except what my kid might do would haunt me haunting the world.
What I dream, from 2010
A friend advised that I should figure out what I want and throw it out into the world...sooner or later, perhaps in ways I least expect, these desires will come to fruition. So...here goes. What do I want?
I want to be happily married, become a published writer, my son to be on a good path and for us to have a healthy relationship, and have a reasonable circle of close, caring, and interesting friends - financial stability would be good too. In short, I want family - both immediate and friends close enough to be family.
Commentary: I still want these things. My son is on a better path and we have the healthiest relationship we've ever had. I have friends who are family. I still write. I finally met the only man I've ever wanted to spend my life with.
I want to come home every day looking forward to being home. I want to share my life secure in the knowledge that together we will meet life's challenges and joyously, freely celebrate its rewards. I want to wake up looking forward to the treasures of each day and fall asleep with quiet giggles wrapped in love.
Commentary: Still do. I fear you do not and I cannot fathom hope.
I want to quit smoking, maintain a size 10/12 and be more flexible/limber.
Commentary: No closer to quitting smoking, doesn't even make the radar most days. I am about a size 12 and quite happy to be here - although I still feel large most days. Yoga still works the kinks out. Secure and loved? I felt it for so long with you and it evades me now. Perhaps that is why I am seeking my past self.
I want to travel the world with friends and/or loved ones.
Commentary: Since writing this, I have traveled more than I might have imagined nationally. Still no international travel.
I want to sit in a dark bar drinking scotch and listening to the blues.
Commentary: A jook joint road trip remains my dream vacation... but I've had experiences close enough to count.
I want to have a healthy, active, and passionate intimate life (physical and emotional).
Commentary: You make me believe things I'd forgotten to want.
I want to enjoy a career that is intellectually challenging and personally rewarding.
Commentary: Done. Worried about for how long but I love what I do.
i want to make a positive difference in other people's lives.
Commentary: Doing one nice thing for another remains a weekly goal. Sometimes I suceed. Sometimes I'm not sure how much it matters.
These are all fuzzy concepts and probably not all that different from anyone's - the details, time will tell. I have a tremendous capacity for joy - and I want to experience it in all things.
Oh yeah, and I want a weekend at the beach with music, the sound of the ocean, the texture of the sand, crab legs and music and dancing and all the lovemaking and conversation a girl could ever dream. There should probably be coffee involved too.
Commentary: I rarely drink coffee anymore but I have had this.... and all I feel for and with you is summed in this one part. Could the rest be? Because my heart still finds it possible.
**
So much more to say, no words to say it. I love you, I am in love with you. At the end of the day, everyday, that is true. And you feel so far away, I despair.