(no subject)
@-------WARNING... SUPER LONG POST-------@
*sigh*
I'm at a loss...
It never goes how I want in life...
Years ago... I had a crush on this girl (named Judith) and someone told me she liked me too. But back then I was too shy to do anything... so I never said anything to her... and that was just it... I hated myself for it! I said to myself. That I would definitly act upon my feeling the next time I would like someone...
Then I met you. We just chatted and chatted, getting along etc. I never thought about love or anything. Except at one point... I briefly considered it. But I thought "Nah, couldn't be it. Me and love? No way!" and I just forgot about that thought. We started meeting in real life. Still getting along fine, having fun and stuff with our friends and stuff. We got closer and closer and became really good friends. You were the first one I could really feel comfortable with for a very long time. I talked to you about my problems and stuff. I just felt at eas. this continued for quite some time...
Then someone asked me one day "Do you feel anything for her?" ... And yea, then it struck me... It was like a thousand butterflies popping into my stomach. I couldn't get it myself... I liked her???
Now that I think back... I must have liked her all along, I just was oblivious... But looking back... I was always trying to be with you. And I talked about you alot and I seemed alot happier when I talked about you.
All that time... I wasn't aware. It snuck on me, surrounding me. You grew on me, you became a part of my life.
But now, I was aware of it...
First I was overcome with unbelief... then I had the problem... would she like me? I couldn't really tell. I wasn't sure what to do... But I was gonna act upon this feelings. I didn't want it to end like with Judith...
I decided I should take her on a date... this didn't work out. The first time I asked her, she said I could come over and all. I was just sooooo happy that time. I had a date ^^ I had a date ^____^. But alas... it didn't last long. She forgot something and the date was off >_< I became angry and I almost cried. Messing up everything, even upsetting her. But we talked things out ^_^ And I still had hope... but she didn't have any time >_< I had to wait like a month before I could see her.
I made up my mind, and decided I would confess to her then. For some reason I got the idea she liked me too. And that we would make a cute couple. I started to believe that more and more... And my only problem was the confession itself. I was really nervous about it... I couldn't see it happening even. But ah well. In this state of trance I lived on... kinda giving out some clues and stuff.
And then she starts talking about "him" all the time... well ok... Of course I didn't like it... I just thought that I maybe still had a chance. Then I came to the conclusion that she really liked ;_; That made me down... and I kinda gave up hope... I cancelled the confession... my friends really found that a pity >_< Well, can't blame them. But what was the use... I already knew the answer "she likes him, not me". Ah well... I thought I could be strong and just shake it off...
We saw eachother the day I was supposed to confess. And well, I spent little time with her that day actually. I was just having fun with other friends and stuff.
It was kinda an akward time... I knew she didn't like me... and she already kinda knew I liked her. But I never told, so she wasn't sure. She didn't want to hurt me by talking about "him" and all. And yea... just to get it over with... I just said I liked her... on msn... yea I know... not really romantic. But I had already given up all hope. We both knew it... it just had to be said to get it over with. Well, so yea... I got rejected... she sees me as a good friend...
I felt really relieved after telling her and just getting everything straight.
Then a few days after that I saw her again for a weekend... well... when she and everyone else left... and I was left all alone at home... I cried... alot... Seeing her again made me aware of how much I liked her...
Ah well... that was kinda normal right? I mean... I was just rejected... Everyone told me... "ooh, you'll get over it and find someone else ^_^". Well, I tried to believe that at the time too.
Then next meet... I got a taste of envy (yes, that sounds wrong. Plz, I am serious)... I had to watch her constantly being very close to someone else... I couldn't really take it >_< It was hard. Good thing I slept alone... wich was lonely... but they also wouldn't be able to hear me cry.
I was down after that for a while. Of course she noticed that too. So I decided to tell her what was bothering me... I wasn't sure if I should tell her... I thought about it a while. And well, I wanted to see her a friend... and friends tell eachother these things, right? I told her... I was plain jealous and it was hard for me to see her being so close to someone else >_<. Well, later I learned she had very good reasons for it and all. But still, it made me jealous nontheless >_<
And yea... we met a few times from that time. And well... I keep being sad after each meet... I don't know if is normal to have this much pain. but I just have it, it just won't go away.
And now... she must be feeling bad about making a friend cry like that all the time... But I don't want her to feel bad. And she doesn't want to make me feel bad. So she restrains herself from clinging to other people and stuff. But really... you shouldn't do that... don't restrain yourself because of me... I know you want to hug people and cling to them, just do it. Not doing it but really wanting it and actually doing it aren't much of a difference to me. Because I will have pain anyway...
And yea... now I don't know what to do... I don't want to lose my friendship to her... but how can I be a good friend if all I do is make her feel bad because she made me sad. How can I stay her friend if I'm hurt everytime I see her. But I can't stop being her friend. I really don't want to... and even if I would... I couldn't... I had to cut off all my friendships with you guys and not go to animecons anymore and stuff... Then, She'll be outta my life... maybe then I could start forgetting her... Yes... I thought that... I was desperate... but I can't do that... I can't throw away my current life. I'll never meet people like again... I can't throw this life away, really! I think that might even hurt more than the pain I'm having right now...
So, I have to face this to the end... But this is really hard. I tried restraining everything to be less sad. That only helped for a little bit and made it even worse after a while...
And we still chat much and all. Talk about alot of things... I try to confort her when she's down and just talk about other random stuff and all. Sometime she's really happy happy and all, making me happy too. She wants all this attention from me and stuff at times like that. Yea, that good and all.
But then when we meet in real life it's different, like distant... she can get all her joy and fun out of other people... She doesn't need me then... Well sure, she talks to me. But it feels different... What does she want? Like... I don't know. She wants to have a good time I guess. I don't know... It's just... as if I am different person to her online... This how I feel it... I don't know for sure. I have never felt sure about anything since this feeling started except for one thing. It just still hurts me... you're distant to me when at meets, because you don't want to give me false hope. I know. But I hope you can understand how hard that is for me...
Maybe I should stop trying being close to you? Maybe that would ease the pain? I don't know. All I know, is that this simply hurts alot and I want to get rid off it! The problem is... will it go away? I am not sure...
I've been here before... at this point. Back then I decided that I would be online less and stuff so I would see her less. I held for about 3 days? Then I was back to full-online-mode and chatting away with her...
Should I try that again? Dunno ._.
Oh yea, funny... back at the beginning... when I still only thinking about confessing... I said to myself "Hmm, this is probably going to hard no matter how it turns out.. Probably yea... But I have to go through with it!" (Yes, I talk to myself when thinking things like this. Exactly like this post... I talk to myself. So what? Trying to type out my thoughts like I am doing now, talking to myself. I repeat everything that happend and consider all kind of stuff. Hoping I can get an answer out of it.)
Anyway... It's hard alright... but I never imagined it would be this hard.
So... yea... I just had a thought... maybe this pain won't go away.. because deep inside me I still want her to simply touch me... hug me... cling to me... etc... And yea... of course I want that. But of course that won't make her do it...
How can I get rid of those feelings? I think as soon as I stop thinking about that... I can begin the real healing process.
Funny... I always thought I was pretty selfless and all... But when it comes down to it... I am ... really selfish. And sometimes I even wonder why I keep selfless... It's so hard. I think I just want to be appreacited more? Or acknowledged more? I sometimes question why I am even needed at all. Ah well...
I wish...
No.. rather I believe...
That I am born in the wrong age and place... I wish... that I was born as a samurai in old Japan.
Or maybe I was one in a past life. It's just... either way, that would explain my deep interesting in martial arts, my interest in the sword, my interest in Japan, my humbleness, my selflessness. And I am naturally pretty good at all kinds of physical things.I think that I would make a fine samurai. Strong and loyal...
But one thing would be different... in those times... it actually had a value being strong... being able to defeat everyone who comes at you and your loved ones... At least I could get satisfaction being strong, being able to protect. Even is she doesn't like me back the way I do... Just begin by her side and protecting her would be enough...
But now... it's useless being strong... I can't protect her... I can't do anything.... only make her sad...
If I was a samurai right now... and I would be in the same state I am in now... I should probably commit seppuku... for begin a total disgrace. But I am not a samurai... so I won't commit seppuku or anything.
Somewhere I still value my life... I'm not giving it up so easily.
But I do regret things really much... Like, being so shy that I couldn't confess to Judith.
Or falling in love like I am now... At one point... I really wished I'd never fallen in love...
But... I guess you can't control love... it wasn't really my fault. It's just my fault for not being like-able enough I guess...
Ah well. I should look for things that make me happy. I already found some that cheer me up a little. Like my Hinata vest, Syaoran cape, Mokona, chocolate and aikido. But those things can't fill the gap in my heart right now. I should learn more japanese, sing more, draw more... maybe that'll get my mind of things and it'll go away faster. But I am always distracted... mostly by her... Maybe I should fix that first? Like re-instating the rule that I am only online between 7 and 8?
Hmmm...
Hmmm... I'm kinda at the end of my thoughts now... I feel a bit better now. Fully typing out this stuff makes me understand it a little more and the answers became somewhat clearer. If you don't follow stuff... well sorry. You can ask about it if you like. I kinda typed out my current situation and thoughts. And my thoughts tend to go all over the place XD. I actually read back and edited some stuff and put some issues in that I missed. So sorry if you can't follow it... I can't even follow myself sometimes.
Sorry for making such a long post wich is sad and all. This is simply how I feel (well... simply?). Just how I feel. I'm really sorry. I hope you can understand? Try not be sad about me, ok?
I don't really expect people to react at this... Although it would be nice... nut I can imagine you can't say anything about this. But if you think I am wrong anywhere or just want to comment on something... please do. It gives me some confirmation that people actually read my crap and all ^_^.
*sigh*
I'm at a loss...
It never goes how I want in life...
Years ago... I had a crush on this girl (named Judith) and someone told me she liked me too. But back then I was too shy to do anything... so I never said anything to her... and that was just it... I hated myself for it! I said to myself. That I would definitly act upon my feeling the next time I would like someone...
Then I met you. We just chatted and chatted, getting along etc. I never thought about love or anything. Except at one point... I briefly considered it. But I thought "Nah, couldn't be it. Me and love? No way!" and I just forgot about that thought. We started meeting in real life. Still getting along fine, having fun and stuff with our friends and stuff. We got closer and closer and became really good friends. You were the first one I could really feel comfortable with for a very long time. I talked to you about my problems and stuff. I just felt at eas. this continued for quite some time...
Then someone asked me one day "Do you feel anything for her?" ... And yea, then it struck me... It was like a thousand butterflies popping into my stomach. I couldn't get it myself... I liked her???
Now that I think back... I must have liked her all along, I just was oblivious... But looking back... I was always trying to be with you. And I talked about you alot and I seemed alot happier when I talked about you.
All that time... I wasn't aware. It snuck on me, surrounding me. You grew on me, you became a part of my life.
But now, I was aware of it...
First I was overcome with unbelief... then I had the problem... would she like me? I couldn't really tell. I wasn't sure what to do... But I was gonna act upon this feelings. I didn't want it to end like with Judith...
I decided I should take her on a date... this didn't work out. The first time I asked her, she said I could come over and all. I was just sooooo happy that time. I had a date ^^ I had a date ^____^. But alas... it didn't last long. She forgot something and the date was off >_< I became angry and I almost cried. Messing up everything, even upsetting her. But we talked things out ^_^ And I still had hope... but she didn't have any time >_< I had to wait like a month before I could see her.
I made up my mind, and decided I would confess to her then. For some reason I got the idea she liked me too. And that we would make a cute couple. I started to believe that more and more... And my only problem was the confession itself. I was really nervous about it... I couldn't see it happening even. But ah well. In this state of trance I lived on... kinda giving out some clues and stuff.
And then she starts talking about "him" all the time... well ok... Of course I didn't like it... I just thought that I maybe still had a chance. Then I came to the conclusion that she really liked ;_; That made me down... and I kinda gave up hope... I cancelled the confession... my friends really found that a pity >_< Well, can't blame them. But what was the use... I already knew the answer "she likes him, not me". Ah well... I thought I could be strong and just shake it off...
We saw eachother the day I was supposed to confess. And well, I spent little time with her that day actually. I was just having fun with other friends and stuff.
It was kinda an akward time... I knew she didn't like me... and she already kinda knew I liked her. But I never told, so she wasn't sure. She didn't want to hurt me by talking about "him" and all. And yea... just to get it over with... I just said I liked her... on msn... yea I know... not really romantic. But I had already given up all hope. We both knew it... it just had to be said to get it over with. Well, so yea... I got rejected... she sees me as a good friend...
I felt really relieved after telling her and just getting everything straight.
Then a few days after that I saw her again for a weekend... well... when she and everyone else left... and I was left all alone at home... I cried... alot... Seeing her again made me aware of how much I liked her...
Ah well... that was kinda normal right? I mean... I was just rejected... Everyone told me... "ooh, you'll get over it and find someone else ^_^". Well, I tried to believe that at the time too.
Then next meet... I got a taste of envy (yes, that sounds wrong. Plz, I am serious)... I had to watch her constantly being very close to someone else... I couldn't really take it >_< It was hard. Good thing I slept alone... wich was lonely... but they also wouldn't be able to hear me cry.
I was down after that for a while. Of course she noticed that too. So I decided to tell her what was bothering me... I wasn't sure if I should tell her... I thought about it a while. And well, I wanted to see her a friend... and friends tell eachother these things, right? I told her... I was plain jealous and it was hard for me to see her being so close to someone else >_<. Well, later I learned she had very good reasons for it and all. But still, it made me jealous nontheless >_<
And yea... we met a few times from that time. And well... I keep being sad after each meet... I don't know if is normal to have this much pain. but I just have it, it just won't go away.
And now... she must be feeling bad about making a friend cry like that all the time... But I don't want her to feel bad. And she doesn't want to make me feel bad. So she restrains herself from clinging to other people and stuff. But really... you shouldn't do that... don't restrain yourself because of me... I know you want to hug people and cling to them, just do it. Not doing it but really wanting it and actually doing it aren't much of a difference to me. Because I will have pain anyway...
And yea... now I don't know what to do... I don't want to lose my friendship to her... but how can I be a good friend if all I do is make her feel bad because she made me sad. How can I stay her friend if I'm hurt everytime I see her. But I can't stop being her friend. I really don't want to... and even if I would... I couldn't... I had to cut off all my friendships with you guys and not go to animecons anymore and stuff... Then, She'll be outta my life... maybe then I could start forgetting her... Yes... I thought that... I was desperate... but I can't do that... I can't throw away my current life. I'll never meet people like again... I can't throw this life away, really! I think that might even hurt more than the pain I'm having right now...
So, I have to face this to the end... But this is really hard. I tried restraining everything to be less sad. That only helped for a little bit and made it even worse after a while...
And we still chat much and all. Talk about alot of things... I try to confort her when she's down and just talk about other random stuff and all. Sometime she's really happy happy and all, making me happy too. She wants all this attention from me and stuff at times like that. Yea, that good and all.
But then when we meet in real life it's different, like distant... she can get all her joy and fun out of other people... She doesn't need me then... Well sure, she talks to me. But it feels different... What does she want? Like... I don't know. She wants to have a good time I guess. I don't know... It's just... as if I am different person to her online... This how I feel it... I don't know for sure. I have never felt sure about anything since this feeling started except for one thing. It just still hurts me... you're distant to me when at meets, because you don't want to give me false hope. I know. But I hope you can understand how hard that is for me...
Maybe I should stop trying being close to you? Maybe that would ease the pain? I don't know. All I know, is that this simply hurts alot and I want to get rid off it! The problem is... will it go away? I am not sure...
I've been here before... at this point. Back then I decided that I would be online less and stuff so I would see her less. I held for about 3 days? Then I was back to full-online-mode and chatting away with her...
Should I try that again? Dunno ._.
Oh yea, funny... back at the beginning... when I still only thinking about confessing... I said to myself "Hmm, this is probably going to hard no matter how it turns out.. Probably yea... But I have to go through with it!" (Yes, I talk to myself when thinking things like this. Exactly like this post... I talk to myself. So what? Trying to type out my thoughts like I am doing now, talking to myself. I repeat everything that happend and consider all kind of stuff. Hoping I can get an answer out of it.)
Anyway... It's hard alright... but I never imagined it would be this hard.
So... yea... I just had a thought... maybe this pain won't go away.. because deep inside me I still want her to simply touch me... hug me... cling to me... etc... And yea... of course I want that. But of course that won't make her do it...
How can I get rid of those feelings? I think as soon as I stop thinking about that... I can begin the real healing process.
Funny... I always thought I was pretty selfless and all... But when it comes down to it... I am ... really selfish. And sometimes I even wonder why I keep selfless... It's so hard. I think I just want to be appreacited more? Or acknowledged more? I sometimes question why I am even needed at all. Ah well...
I wish...
No.. rather I believe...
That I am born in the wrong age and place... I wish... that I was born as a samurai in old Japan.
Or maybe I was one in a past life. It's just... either way, that would explain my deep interesting in martial arts, my interest in the sword, my interest in Japan, my humbleness, my selflessness. And I am naturally pretty good at all kinds of physical things.I think that I would make a fine samurai. Strong and loyal...
But one thing would be different... in those times... it actually had a value being strong... being able to defeat everyone who comes at you and your loved ones... At least I could get satisfaction being strong, being able to protect. Even is she doesn't like me back the way I do... Just begin by her side and protecting her would be enough...
But now... it's useless being strong... I can't protect her... I can't do anything.... only make her sad...
If I was a samurai right now... and I would be in the same state I am in now... I should probably commit seppuku... for begin a total disgrace. But I am not a samurai... so I won't commit seppuku or anything.
Somewhere I still value my life... I'm not giving it up so easily.
But I do regret things really much... Like, being so shy that I couldn't confess to Judith.
Or falling in love like I am now... At one point... I really wished I'd never fallen in love...
But... I guess you can't control love... it wasn't really my fault. It's just my fault for not being like-able enough I guess...
Ah well. I should look for things that make me happy. I already found some that cheer me up a little. Like my Hinata vest, Syaoran cape, Mokona, chocolate and aikido. But those things can't fill the gap in my heart right now. I should learn more japanese, sing more, draw more... maybe that'll get my mind of things and it'll go away faster. But I am always distracted... mostly by her... Maybe I should fix that first? Like re-instating the rule that I am only online between 7 and 8?
Hmmm...
Hmmm... I'm kinda at the end of my thoughts now... I feel a bit better now. Fully typing out this stuff makes me understand it a little more and the answers became somewhat clearer. If you don't follow stuff... well sorry. You can ask about it if you like. I kinda typed out my current situation and thoughts. And my thoughts tend to go all over the place XD. I actually read back and edited some stuff and put some issues in that I missed. So sorry if you can't follow it... I can't even follow myself sometimes.
Sorry for making such a long post wich is sad and all. This is simply how I feel (well... simply?). Just how I feel. I'm really sorry. I hope you can understand? Try not be sad about me, ok?
I don't really expect people to react at this... Although it would be nice... nut I can imagine you can't say anything about this. But if you think I am wrong anywhere or just want to comment on something... please do. It gives me some confirmation that people actually read my crap and all ^_^.