This is MattMatt's fault
Today, I could be revising, or looking through my summative essay to see if it all actually makes sense or is just 71 footnotes strung together with 'However' in between. But no, I'm sitting in the living room of my friend Claire (aka trinityblack) for the Formula 1. Because apparently my Superbowl recap was awesome, and one is wanted for the Formula 1, because 'Katie recapping sports she doesn't understand is hilarious'.
Don't worry American people who don't know what it is, I don't really either.
I begin this recap as Claire's living room erupts in yells of joy and shouts of "PINT, BITCH!" from MattMatt and Alex. They and Claire all have bets on the most of their team reaching the end, and one of Claire's cars just span off the track.
OK, so there goes the Safety Car. MattMatt apparently finds this hilarious. This may or may not be because they've all broken out the beer for the race, while I sit here with my rebel glass of squash. There is also a cake baking in the oven. I'm very happy to be living here in a few months.
Someone got disqualified! Claire is happy, because now SHE gets a pint!
MattMatt is supporting Ferrari, Claire is supporting McLaren, and Alex is supporting BMW Sauber. I don't know who I'm supporting yet, except it won't be the weird blue cars (I think they're BMW) because they look weird, or all the red cars, because they all look lame. Which ones are they?
Claire: The Ferraris!
Right, so not supporting the Ferraris either. It looks like I may be on Claire's team.
Ooh! There was a green car. That was quite a nice colour.
Claire: (to MattMatt) "You want cake or not, bitch?"
MattMatt: "I'd love some cake."
The green car has a bit of something sticking out the front. MattMatt: "His front wing's got an erection! *maniacal laughter*" He's going to end up upgrading this recap to adult content, isn't he? Apparently he hit something on his way out of a pitstop and it's now stuck in front of his car. "He's gonna die!" yells MattMatt in delight. At least, I think it was delight.
Alex: "Yay! Safety Car again!" Maybe I could just support the Safety Cars?
I also spotted a white and blue car. It was pretty. I might support them.
A McLaren went off earlier, and is just being pulled off by a mini-crane. I love how the pitstop guys' suits match the cars. It's like Claire's aeroplane game, where she has to land the aeroplanes and have them unload and let them take off again, and she gets bonus points if she matches the planes to the right coloured terminals. Except I don't think F1 has giant fans to clear fog off the runways. Or flashing women with noise waves coming from their stomachs when they're having a baby.
Commercials. MattMatt headbangs at the linking music. Strangely enough, there are car commercials. Gee, are they sure that's appropriate for their target audience?
A quick introduction to my fellow F1 watchers. Claire, trinityblack, has been letting me invade her house to revise for several weeks now, and we've been watching lots of Stargate and doing cross-stitch. She is making cake. MattMatt is her housemate and college husband, currently remarking "Check out the cute chick!" at an advert and sitting on a recliner under a blanket with Betty the Biscuit Barrel, and Alex is their friend, I believe from Physics, and now commercials are over so I don't have to know more.
Cars are driving. Round corner. Lined with red and white. That just reminds me of barber's poles, red and white to symbolise blood and bandages. ... Nice.
MattMatt is making strange noises. Sometimes I wonder why I chose to live here next year.
Red car, red car, red... and maybe white car, then a blue car, white car, yellow car - I really should know more about this.
They're 30 laps in. 36 to go. When I was little, my parents used to watch Formula 1, and the races seemed to go on FOREVER. I understood it even less back then than I do now. I just used to watch in the hope that someone crashed, because that was exciting. I do however remember having an irrational hatred for Michael Schumacher, because my sister told me I should, and regularly making rude hand gestures at the screen when he was in the lead. I think my sister taught them to me, much to my mum's horror.
MattMatt: (upon receiving cake) Thank you Claire! Hot out of the oven, holy FROT that's awesome. I HAVE CAAAAKE!
I then get cake too. Om nom nom. Alex starts using biscuits from Betty as cutlery.
Driving, driving, driving.
One of Alex's cars is in the pitstop, and it's a pretty one, so I like it. Alex starts chanting "Don't stall it don't stall it don't stall it don't stall it YEEEES!"
Apparently Formula 1 isn't as big in America, so I will try to explain. There are cars. They are very flat and go very fast and have huge engines. They go very very fast round a track.
Something just happened! And I was distracted by my brilliant description!
Alonso has gone off the track! MattMatt: "AND HE'S ON FIRE!" That's DEFINITELY delight. In fact, everyone's delighted and cheering and clapping. Now they're discussing important complicated things to do with points and rankings and I don't care, I'm going back to my cake.
"Claire, why do you all hate Alonso?"
"Because he's a cock!"
MattMatt: "And [Alex] because he's jealous!" He then goes into some long and brilliant description of how Portugal is a 'parasitic limpet' attached to Spain, and Alonso is Spanish while Alex is Portuguese. He was earlier telling Alex to respect his cultural superiors, as well.
Something between one of the other drivers and Lewis Hamilton is 'intense'. I can't even remember what, but I don't care, because FINALLY, SOME HOYAY.
Claire: "Shotgun bathroom for next break!"
The commentator says something's a good thing. I feel lost and stupid, but then Claire doesn't know what the good thing is either, so that's OK.
MattMatt: (to Claire) You've only got one team person left!
And on that bombshell, we reach another commercial break. MattMatt has decided to lie down on his recliner the wrong way round. It looks strangely comfortable. Until Claire comes and puts her foot on the back of his chair, says "Tell me you love me!", and pushes it to the ground when he doesn't, leaving him at a 45 degree angle to the floor. He just finds it more comfortable.
Back from commercials. Lewis Hamilton is apparently pushing very, very hard indeed. My brain is a filthy filthy HoYay place.
"How fast are they going?"
MattMatt: "Very!"
Claire: "Over 200 miles an hour!"
Awesome.
Rosberg has gone off the track too. The car's giving off a lot of smoke. This is still one of the most exciting bits. Apparently he's a BMW, but not Alex's kind of BMW, which... weird, there are two different kinds of BMW?
There's a medical HELICOPTER??? AWESOME. Someone who crashed whose name I'm not even going to try and spell is apparently 100% OK. Goodie.
Someone in BMW 'may just rock up and spoil all of their parties'. MEAN!
This race isn't really holding my attention. No-one's crashed in a while. Even the others are becoming more subdued. Maybe Claire put sedatives in the cake.
AAARGH RED CAR IN PITSTOP SURROUNDED BY RED-CLAD MECHANICS. BRIGHT RED. MY EYES.
MattMatt: "You don't need traction! Not if you're Massa!"
Now there's a commentator with an accent! There should be more of these!
Count Chocula - WTF? They're discussing Count Chocula for some reason.
Someone's on his way to hospital in Barcelona.
Commentator: "He's awake, he's stable-"
MattMatt: "-and he's missing a leg-"
Blah blah driving more driving commentators discussing something that happened ages ago technically breaking down someone's crash and I don't even know whose.
Heidfled is trying to overtake Fisichella and is 'failing miserably', according to Claire. This was apparently exciting. I just had to check how to spell their names on wikipedia. Why can't they have normal names like... like... STEVE SMITH? I MISS STEVE SMITH.
Commercials again. Claire notices that I haven't eaten her cake. I have to shamefully admit that it's a bit too eggy for me. MattMatt meanwhile scrambles off the recliner in a very ungainly way and says "No-one saw that, right?" Then there's an advert for Speed Racer which, despite my lack of interest and understanding in Formula 1, I still want to see, because it just looks so shiny.
Back from commercials. Ooh! Toyota has a pretty car! I could support them.
Hamilton's trying to overtake Massa. MattMatt is horrified.
"If those two entangle, I get ALL pints!" says Alex. Or maybe he's saying points. Either one would be good, I'm guessing. MattMatt is snapping his fingers again and IT'S NOT NICE.
MattMatt: "Why are you supporting a shit team?"
Alex: "What's that dot in the distance?"
I'm very confused. I've been distracted looking at The World's 16 Least Inspiring Flags on cracked.com - the website that may possibly single-handedly ruin my degree.
MattMatt groans in despair. "Oh no! Massa under pressure in a Ferrari WITH NO TRACTION CONTROL!" I can understand how that might be a bad thing. On a side note, Lewis Hamilton is one of the few F1 drivers I actually know, since the country was so excited about him so much last year. It actually looked like we might WIN A SPORT for once. But everyone knows that should never, ever happen. Except for Rugby.
MattMatt: "FERRARIS ARE BETTER THAN JOO!" I assume that's a deliberately-mispronounced 'You', rather than anything anti-semitic. I mean, I know I make jokes about Jews while drunk (and apparently my mum does too! Possibly one of the randomest family traits I can imagine) but I've seen MattMatt drunk a lot, and he's never done it before.
(I have no idea why I make jokes about Jews while drunk. I have absolutely nothing against Jewish people! I'm not anti-semitic in the slightest! And yet. God, my brain is weird.)
MattMatt whoops as they say the Ferraris are reliable. I know this commentary is giving the wrong impression that MattMatt is the only one talking, but he's certainly the loudest.
Raikkonen won! He's Ferrari. MattMatt is happy. And gracious in victory. "GIVE ME MY PINT, BITCH!"
Claire says that I now have to watch as he is one of the "most miserable men on the planet." MattMatt protests that "he's just not excitable!"
After commercials, MattMatt continues to protest that Raikkonen is a 'real man' who just doesn't show his emotions. Raikkonen was certainly doing fist-pumping celebration - taking both his hands of the wheel, which surely isn't safe - but now he runs out onto the podium and, well, does look a bit stoic. Oh wait, he's smiling. It's... kinda terrifying.
Now the anthem plays and... he looks bored. He looks like he's wondering what kind of sandwich to pick up on the way home. Second was Massa, and third was Hamilton.
Massa smiles, looking genuinely happy and showing teeth! Raikkonen scratches his eyebrow.
The trophy is looks frankly dangerous. It's basically like a giant spike mounted on a plinth. I'm half expecting Raikkonen to turn and stab Massa and Hamilton. Then toss it aside still looking bored and go and buy a sandwich.
Raikkonen drinks champagne and starts spraying it on the crowd. He still looks BORED out of his MIND. But if driving in F1 is about as thrilling as watching it, I don't blame him.
Now there's just half an hour of interviews and I really don't care so I'm getting back to work.
ETA: Apparently you're supposed to count DOWN laps, instead of UP. That's just stupid, so I'm not going back and changing it.
PS: The Insane Histories of the World's 6 Tiniest Nations. These are some of the best stories EVER.
Don't worry American people who don't know what it is, I don't really either.
I begin this recap as Claire's living room erupts in yells of joy and shouts of "PINT, BITCH!" from MattMatt and Alex. They and Claire all have bets on the most of their team reaching the end, and one of Claire's cars just span off the track.
OK, so there goes the Safety Car. MattMatt apparently finds this hilarious. This may or may not be because they've all broken out the beer for the race, while I sit here with my rebel glass of squash. There is also a cake baking in the oven. I'm very happy to be living here in a few months.
Someone got disqualified! Claire is happy, because now SHE gets a pint!
MattMatt is supporting Ferrari, Claire is supporting McLaren, and Alex is supporting BMW Sauber. I don't know who I'm supporting yet, except it won't be the weird blue cars (I think they're BMW) because they look weird, or all the red cars, because they all look lame. Which ones are they?
Claire: The Ferraris!
Right, so not supporting the Ferraris either. It looks like I may be on Claire's team.
Ooh! There was a green car. That was quite a nice colour.
Claire: (to MattMatt) "You want cake or not, bitch?"
MattMatt: "I'd love some cake."
The green car has a bit of something sticking out the front. MattMatt: "His front wing's got an erection! *maniacal laughter*" He's going to end up upgrading this recap to adult content, isn't he? Apparently he hit something on his way out of a pitstop and it's now stuck in front of his car. "He's gonna die!" yells MattMatt in delight. At least, I think it was delight.
Alex: "Yay! Safety Car again!" Maybe I could just support the Safety Cars?
I also spotted a white and blue car. It was pretty. I might support them.
A McLaren went off earlier, and is just being pulled off by a mini-crane. I love how the pitstop guys' suits match the cars. It's like Claire's aeroplane game, where she has to land the aeroplanes and have them unload and let them take off again, and she gets bonus points if she matches the planes to the right coloured terminals. Except I don't think F1 has giant fans to clear fog off the runways. Or flashing women with noise waves coming from their stomachs when they're having a baby.
Commercials. MattMatt headbangs at the linking music. Strangely enough, there are car commercials. Gee, are they sure that's appropriate for their target audience?
A quick introduction to my fellow F1 watchers. Claire, trinityblack, has been letting me invade her house to revise for several weeks now, and we've been watching lots of Stargate and doing cross-stitch. She is making cake. MattMatt is her housemate and college husband, currently remarking "Check out the cute chick!" at an advert and sitting on a recliner under a blanket with Betty the Biscuit Barrel, and Alex is their friend, I believe from Physics, and now commercials are over so I don't have to know more.
Cars are driving. Round corner. Lined with red and white. That just reminds me of barber's poles, red and white to symbolise blood and bandages. ... Nice.
MattMatt is making strange noises. Sometimes I wonder why I chose to live here next year.
Red car, red car, red... and maybe white car, then a blue car, white car, yellow car - I really should know more about this.
They're 30 laps in. 36 to go. When I was little, my parents used to watch Formula 1, and the races seemed to go on FOREVER. I understood it even less back then than I do now. I just used to watch in the hope that someone crashed, because that was exciting. I do however remember having an irrational hatred for Michael Schumacher, because my sister told me I should, and regularly making rude hand gestures at the screen when he was in the lead. I think my sister taught them to me, much to my mum's horror.
MattMatt: (upon receiving cake) Thank you Claire! Hot out of the oven, holy FROT that's awesome. I HAVE CAAAAKE!
I then get cake too. Om nom nom. Alex starts using biscuits from Betty as cutlery.
Driving, driving, driving.
One of Alex's cars is in the pitstop, and it's a pretty one, so I like it. Alex starts chanting "Don't stall it don't stall it don't stall it don't stall it YEEEES!"
Apparently Formula 1 isn't as big in America, so I will try to explain. There are cars. They are very flat and go very fast and have huge engines. They go very very fast round a track.
Something just happened! And I was distracted by my brilliant description!
Alonso has gone off the track! MattMatt: "AND HE'S ON FIRE!" That's DEFINITELY delight. In fact, everyone's delighted and cheering and clapping. Now they're discussing important complicated things to do with points and rankings and I don't care, I'm going back to my cake.
"Claire, why do you all hate Alonso?"
"Because he's a cock!"
MattMatt: "And [Alex] because he's jealous!" He then goes into some long and brilliant description of how Portugal is a 'parasitic limpet' attached to Spain, and Alonso is Spanish while Alex is Portuguese. He was earlier telling Alex to respect his cultural superiors, as well.
Something between one of the other drivers and Lewis Hamilton is 'intense'. I can't even remember what, but I don't care, because FINALLY, SOME HOYAY.
Claire: "Shotgun bathroom for next break!"
The commentator says something's a good thing. I feel lost and stupid, but then Claire doesn't know what the good thing is either, so that's OK.
MattMatt: (to Claire) You've only got one team person left!
And on that bombshell, we reach another commercial break. MattMatt has decided to lie down on his recliner the wrong way round. It looks strangely comfortable. Until Claire comes and puts her foot on the back of his chair, says "Tell me you love me!", and pushes it to the ground when he doesn't, leaving him at a 45 degree angle to the floor. He just finds it more comfortable.
Back from commercials. Lewis Hamilton is apparently pushing very, very hard indeed. My brain is a filthy filthy HoYay place.
"How fast are they going?"
MattMatt: "Very!"
Claire: "Over 200 miles an hour!"
Awesome.
Rosberg has gone off the track too. The car's giving off a lot of smoke. This is still one of the most exciting bits. Apparently he's a BMW, but not Alex's kind of BMW, which... weird, there are two different kinds of BMW?
There's a medical HELICOPTER??? AWESOME. Someone who crashed whose name I'm not even going to try and spell is apparently 100% OK. Goodie.
Someone in BMW 'may just rock up and spoil all of their parties'. MEAN!
This race isn't really holding my attention. No-one's crashed in a while. Even the others are becoming more subdued. Maybe Claire put sedatives in the cake.
AAARGH RED CAR IN PITSTOP SURROUNDED BY RED-CLAD MECHANICS. BRIGHT RED. MY EYES.
MattMatt: "You don't need traction! Not if you're Massa!"
Now there's a commentator with an accent! There should be more of these!
Count Chocula - WTF? They're discussing Count Chocula for some reason.
Someone's on his way to hospital in Barcelona.
Commentator: "He's awake, he's stable-"
MattMatt: "-and he's missing a leg-"
Blah blah driving more driving commentators discussing something that happened ages ago technically breaking down someone's crash and I don't even know whose.
Heidfled is trying to overtake Fisichella and is 'failing miserably', according to Claire. This was apparently exciting. I just had to check how to spell their names on wikipedia. Why can't they have normal names like... like... STEVE SMITH? I MISS STEVE SMITH.
Commercials again. Claire notices that I haven't eaten her cake. I have to shamefully admit that it's a bit too eggy for me. MattMatt meanwhile scrambles off the recliner in a very ungainly way and says "No-one saw that, right?" Then there's an advert for Speed Racer which, despite my lack of interest and understanding in Formula 1, I still want to see, because it just looks so shiny.
Back from commercials. Ooh! Toyota has a pretty car! I could support them.
Hamilton's trying to overtake Massa. MattMatt is horrified.
"If those two entangle, I get ALL pints!" says Alex. Or maybe he's saying points. Either one would be good, I'm guessing. MattMatt is snapping his fingers again and IT'S NOT NICE.
MattMatt: "Why are you supporting a shit team?"
Alex: "What's that dot in the distance?"
I'm very confused. I've been distracted looking at The World's 16 Least Inspiring Flags on cracked.com - the website that may possibly single-handedly ruin my degree.
MattMatt groans in despair. "Oh no! Massa under pressure in a Ferrari WITH NO TRACTION CONTROL!" I can understand how that might be a bad thing. On a side note, Lewis Hamilton is one of the few F1 drivers I actually know, since the country was so excited about him so much last year. It actually looked like we might WIN A SPORT for once. But everyone knows that should never, ever happen. Except for Rugby.
MattMatt: "FERRARIS ARE BETTER THAN JOO!" I assume that's a deliberately-mispronounced 'You', rather than anything anti-semitic. I mean, I know I make jokes about Jews while drunk (and apparently my mum does too! Possibly one of the randomest family traits I can imagine) but I've seen MattMatt drunk a lot, and he's never done it before.
(I have no idea why I make jokes about Jews while drunk. I have absolutely nothing against Jewish people! I'm not anti-semitic in the slightest! And yet. God, my brain is weird.)
MattMatt whoops as they say the Ferraris are reliable. I know this commentary is giving the wrong impression that MattMatt is the only one talking, but he's certainly the loudest.
Raikkonen won! He's Ferrari. MattMatt is happy. And gracious in victory. "GIVE ME MY PINT, BITCH!"
Claire says that I now have to watch as he is one of the "most miserable men on the planet." MattMatt protests that "he's just not excitable!"
After commercials, MattMatt continues to protest that Raikkonen is a 'real man' who just doesn't show his emotions. Raikkonen was certainly doing fist-pumping celebration - taking both his hands of the wheel, which surely isn't safe - but now he runs out onto the podium and, well, does look a bit stoic. Oh wait, he's smiling. It's... kinda terrifying.
Now the anthem plays and... he looks bored. He looks like he's wondering what kind of sandwich to pick up on the way home. Second was Massa, and third was Hamilton.
Massa smiles, looking genuinely happy and showing teeth! Raikkonen scratches his eyebrow.
The trophy is looks frankly dangerous. It's basically like a giant spike mounted on a plinth. I'm half expecting Raikkonen to turn and stab Massa and Hamilton. Then toss it aside still looking bored and go and buy a sandwich.
Raikkonen drinks champagne and starts spraying it on the crowd. He still looks BORED out of his MIND. But if driving in F1 is about as thrilling as watching it, I don't blame him.
Now there's just half an hour of interviews and I really don't care so I'm getting back to work.
ETA: Apparently you're supposed to count DOWN laps, instead of UP. That's just stupid, so I'm not going back and changing it.
PS: The Insane Histories of the World's 6 Tiniest Nations. These are some of the best stories EVER.