Big-Ass Valentines Contest Apology
jedi_divas... I am sorry. If I had sent my characters to a generic party instead of a Knights Out (tm) party, or put Temple Mistress next to Jude Watson, none of this flap would have happened.
To the entire Web World--
"Knights Out" is an innovation from the fanfiction of Temple Mistress of the jedi_divas and should be credited as such. Especially if you are meaning it as a party for Jedi.
Now here is the offending piece of derivative crack, which is hardly worth all the fuss in the opinions of many, and go read the rest of the gentleman_jedi entries and enjoy them as well. Rated NC-17 for sex and putative humor.
The McGuffin is under here.
Title: The McGuffin
author: helgaleena
helgaleenas@yahoo.com
setting : prequels
pairing: Obi-Siri
genre: fluff crack
rating: NC-17
summary: Siri broke his heart before she died. But he didn't break hers.
Author's note: I just read Jude Watson's Secrets of the Jedi, where she kills off her character Siri Tachi, and got inspired. You can tell. This follows the plot, sort of, but not really, and some names are changed to protect the innocent. So I guess that is a sort of spoiler warning.
She had a McGuffin that she really liked. Her Master Adi Gallia had given it to her when she was just a little padawan learner. She used to let Obi-Wan push it deep into her, and then she'd use her muscles to squeeze it out again, over and over, while he used his tongue on her. And when she came, she would be shrieking and giggling at the same time. It was so endearing. But she would never put it up her ass, or his. It was too special.
Then, on the planet Stratus, she sold it without telling him, to buy groceries for a poor little orphan boy genius. "Don't you lecture me," she said, and snuggled into the survival blanket with him. It was then that he knew Siri had a heart, besides being smarter and tougher and more petite and a better dancer. And she liked him! Siri Tachi and her pink sabre were too much for any boy to resist.
But somehow, Qui-Gon noticed that they had quit wrestling and started sitting around making goo-goo eyes at each other. Adi Gallia, who had as much imagination as a McGuffin by heredity, had no clue. Also, she had never lusted after Obi-Wan's incredible cuteness, like most of the Temple. So it was up to Master Jinn to blow the whistle on the two young people, to Master Yoda.
It was a dangerous attachment-- not only were they the same species, they were opposite sexes! Before you know it, they would be picking out curtains, wanting a Temple-sponsored condo in the suburbs to raise their Forceless squibs, with insurance and 401K plans and small consultant businesses on the side to pay for orthodontia. They couldn't expect the Order to change the Rule for them.
Yoda hauled them both in separately, for a talking-to. As usual, Obi-Wan simply answered "yes, Master," and "no, Master," at the appropriate places in the lecture, and distracted himself by thinking about the McGuffin, now lost, and replaced by Siri with a simple glass paperweight of much less mythic significance, though it did have an interesting holo of the Temple in it, as it was a 'second' from the souvenir stand in the lobby.
However, whatever the Master said to Siri had a different effect. The next time he sneaked away to spend stolen moments with her in the Gardens, she never showed. He went to ask Bant if she'd seen Siri, and Bant rolled her eyes in that way she had, when she thought Obi-Wan was being obtuse. "Wouldn't you rather have seafood?" she said archly, as if nothing unusual were at stake. He began to think Siri might be avoiding him.
After about fifteen standard, during which she abruptly left whenever he was in the same salle, or even the same corridor, he was certain of it. Maybe he was too gay for her, after all.
Years later, she tried getting into his pants again, and he'd heard that her padawan, Ferus, was allergic to women, so it was no wonder, but once bitten twice shy, as the saying goes. He had given her the Cut Direct, at a Knights Out* party, and in revenge she actually tried to steal Anakin! Now what sort of Jedi behavior was that, coming between a Master and his padawan? No, if Siri still had a heart, it was no longer a cozy place. Not that he heard any of the other Knights complaining. And she and Saesee Tinn had a regular 'sparring' routine set up, whenever they were both in Temple. No, she didn't need him.
Then, twenty years later, the same boy genius was in peril again, and asked for them personally, to deliver his Code Breaking Thing to the Republic forces. And as soon as he saw Siri, what did he put into her hands? The McGuffin! Just as blue and smooth as ever. Obi-Wan let the poker up his ass slip just enough to notice that she was touched. Lil'Billi Gates the orphan had done well for himself, but he still had a soft side. And for a scrawny nerd, he wasn't bad looking. He stepped out to allow them some private moments--
--which is when the bounty hunters hired by the Separatists crashed through the ceiling, with ysalamari strapped to their chests. When he came running back in, Siri had them cornered, but she'd taken enough blaster fire in the back to be a goner. Lil'Billi and his Thing were safe under the desk, which was all that mattered in terms of the mission.
Obi-Wan sliced up their ysalamaris, then Force-pushed the miscreants into the wall and cuffed them. Then he turned to Siri. She was still breathing, and giving him the goo-goo eyes again, for the last time. "I'm going to be one with the Force now," she whispered, "and I want you to have this." She opened her hand, and it dropped from her slackening fingers.
He looked down at the lump of blue, and a tear rolled down his cheek. But he didn't pick it up. Instead, he met the eyes of the cowering genius under the desk.
"It's all yours," he said generously.
She didn't know that he'd bought himself a paperweight with a holo of the Temple in it, just like hers, and smashed it. Her McGuffin deserved better.
end
* TM Temple Mistress, of the Jedi Divas consortium
To the entire Web World--
"Knights Out" is an innovation from the fanfiction of Temple Mistress of the jedi_divas and should be credited as such. Especially if you are meaning it as a party for Jedi.
Now here is the offending piece of derivative crack, which is hardly worth all the fuss in the opinions of many, and go read the rest of the gentleman_jedi entries and enjoy them as well. Rated NC-17 for sex and putative humor.
The McGuffin is under here.
Title: The McGuffin
author: helgaleena
helgaleenas@yahoo.com
setting : prequels
pairing: Obi-Siri
genre: fluff crack
rating: NC-17
summary: Siri broke his heart before she died. But he didn't break hers.
Author's note: I just read Jude Watson's Secrets of the Jedi, where she kills off her character Siri Tachi, and got inspired. You can tell. This follows the plot, sort of, but not really, and some names are changed to protect the innocent. So I guess that is a sort of spoiler warning.
She had a McGuffin that she really liked. Her Master Adi Gallia had given it to her when she was just a little padawan learner. She used to let Obi-Wan push it deep into her, and then she'd use her muscles to squeeze it out again, over and over, while he used his tongue on her. And when she came, she would be shrieking and giggling at the same time. It was so endearing. But she would never put it up her ass, or his. It was too special.
Then, on the planet Stratus, she sold it without telling him, to buy groceries for a poor little orphan boy genius. "Don't you lecture me," she said, and snuggled into the survival blanket with him. It was then that he knew Siri had a heart, besides being smarter and tougher and more petite and a better dancer. And she liked him! Siri Tachi and her pink sabre were too much for any boy to resist.
But somehow, Qui-Gon noticed that they had quit wrestling and started sitting around making goo-goo eyes at each other. Adi Gallia, who had as much imagination as a McGuffin by heredity, had no clue. Also, she had never lusted after Obi-Wan's incredible cuteness, like most of the Temple. So it was up to Master Jinn to blow the whistle on the two young people, to Master Yoda.
It was a dangerous attachment-- not only were they the same species, they were opposite sexes! Before you know it, they would be picking out curtains, wanting a Temple-sponsored condo in the suburbs to raise their Forceless squibs, with insurance and 401K plans and small consultant businesses on the side to pay for orthodontia. They couldn't expect the Order to change the Rule for them.
Yoda hauled them both in separately, for a talking-to. As usual, Obi-Wan simply answered "yes, Master," and "no, Master," at the appropriate places in the lecture, and distracted himself by thinking about the McGuffin, now lost, and replaced by Siri with a simple glass paperweight of much less mythic significance, though it did have an interesting holo of the Temple in it, as it was a 'second' from the souvenir stand in the lobby.
However, whatever the Master said to Siri had a different effect. The next time he sneaked away to spend stolen moments with her in the Gardens, she never showed. He went to ask Bant if she'd seen Siri, and Bant rolled her eyes in that way she had, when she thought Obi-Wan was being obtuse. "Wouldn't you rather have seafood?" she said archly, as if nothing unusual were at stake. He began to think Siri might be avoiding him.
After about fifteen standard, during which she abruptly left whenever he was in the same salle, or even the same corridor, he was certain of it. Maybe he was too gay for her, after all.
Years later, she tried getting into his pants again, and he'd heard that her padawan, Ferus, was allergic to women, so it was no wonder, but once bitten twice shy, as the saying goes. He had given her the Cut Direct, at a Knights Out* party, and in revenge she actually tried to steal Anakin! Now what sort of Jedi behavior was that, coming between a Master and his padawan? No, if Siri still had a heart, it was no longer a cozy place. Not that he heard any of the other Knights complaining. And she and Saesee Tinn had a regular 'sparring' routine set up, whenever they were both in Temple. No, she didn't need him.
Then, twenty years later, the same boy genius was in peril again, and asked for them personally, to deliver his Code Breaking Thing to the Republic forces. And as soon as he saw Siri, what did he put into her hands? The McGuffin! Just as blue and smooth as ever. Obi-Wan let the poker up his ass slip just enough to notice that she was touched. Lil'Billi Gates the orphan had done well for himself, but he still had a soft side. And for a scrawny nerd, he wasn't bad looking. He stepped out to allow them some private moments--
--which is when the bounty hunters hired by the Separatists crashed through the ceiling, with ysalamari strapped to their chests. When he came running back in, Siri had them cornered, but she'd taken enough blaster fire in the back to be a goner. Lil'Billi and his Thing were safe under the desk, which was all that mattered in terms of the mission.
Obi-Wan sliced up their ysalamaris, then Force-pushed the miscreants into the wall and cuffed them. Then he turned to Siri. She was still breathing, and giving him the goo-goo eyes again, for the last time. "I'm going to be one with the Force now," she whispered, "and I want you to have this." She opened her hand, and it dropped from her slackening fingers.
He looked down at the lump of blue, and a tear rolled down his cheek. But he didn't pick it up. Instead, he met the eyes of the cowering genius under the desk.
"It's all yours," he said generously.
She didn't know that he'd bought himself a paperweight with a holo of the Temple in it, just like hers, and smashed it. Her McGuffin deserved better.
end
* TM Temple Mistress, of the Jedi Divas consortium