Okay
So, preatty much i have decided, yes i know i've decided this many times. but Last night put me in a whole new perspective. my mom is crazy, she wants to make my life misserable. My whole life i have seen my mom as a mom, not a friend not some one that i could talk to when i have "boy" problems when i have friend problems. she was just a woman that gave birth to me. i have never really had any strong feelings toward her. i know this sounds really mean. but she has put me through so much shit in my life that sometimes i wonder if i would cry when she died. thats an evil thoughtht and i often hate myself for thinking it but with everything she has put me throught. i dont know. i have no emotional feel towards her. You know the Song " I love you because i have to" by umm Finger eleven, yah i think thats it. That song is basically what im feeling. i dont love her because she is an awesome loving person i love her because i feel obligated. She isnt a wonderful person by any means. she finds ways to embarass me and put me through shit. She beileves that because she is the mother she can call me a bitch to my face and i wont re-act. HELLO. im not a fucking rag doll i have feelings you know. My mom hits me. im not gonna lie. i wouldnt say she abuses me, but my whole life when i have done something wrong i would always get hit. that im use to. and i remember many years ago. well about two. i made a promise to myself. the day she punches me is the day im out. now she hasnt punched me yet. but sometimes i wish that she just would. so i could leave this place i call home, and leave with out any emotional attachment. just leave, run away, i have many friends that have already told me if i ever need a place to stay i can crash with them. and im so grateful to have friends like that. I have many a times thought about killing myself. taking pills getting it over with quick and easy, think about who would come to my funeral. if anyone? would my mom cry, would anyone cry? i would love for all those answers to be yes. but sometimes i wonder. not so much about my friends crying, i know i have friends that love me and all that. but about my mom. i know she would be upset. like yah. but i don't know its hard to explain. Often i find myself thinking about what is life going to be like when im gone. i know its gonna go on and everything. but its just like im not gonna be there. Friends and family are going to move on. The earth is going to spin. Technology is going to increase i just wont be around to see it. I wont be around to see people get married have kids and grow old. It's really sad when i think about it. I dont wanna die, but then again who does. i wanna see my best friends get married i want to be here for them when they gotta break up with obsesive boy friends i wanna be around but i don't want to be around when my mom is around. Sometimes i feel i live two lives. When im around people im this happy go lucky chick, ditzy always happy. But when im at home im this depressed little girl that just wants to leave and escape all her pain. People often understand me because im so use to hiding my feelings from everyone. i dont want people to think im a "depressed emo chick" or something like that. im nothing im Kelly Rae Pisapia, thats it. im not a prep im not a skater, surfer, rocker. im just Kelly plain and simple, why cant people see that. Oh Kelly you were Holister your a prep oh Kelly you have Dvs' but u dont skate your a poser. wtf is up with that. i can wear whatever i damn well feel like wearing. i dont give a shit if i dont skate i like the shoes. big whoop.. if people are going to classify me because of the shoes on my feet and not what im like inside. well then in my opinion they are all posers. I really dont like the word "Poser" who is too say what classify's someone as a poser.. If you think about it everyone is. No body is completley original. Im not writing this entry to get attention or for anyone to be like oh Kelly is so emo. or whatever you kids call it now a days. im writing it because this is my journal and this is how i feel.