Creative Schizophrenia
Hello, Empty Room!
Just to preface all of this: I am extremely fortunate to have the luxury of not supporting myself. My husband pays for our home, utilities, food, etc. The little money I make teaching pays for my art supplies, old debts, etc. We are lower-middle class (we rent, no car, 1 child) and are lucky enough not to be interested in material things or status, so we have what we need. So I'm not whining about how bad I have it. I have it SO EASY in comparison to pretty much the rest of the world.
That said, I am having a bit of an existential crisis (the privilege of the privileged). I started my adult life as a poet. I went to grad school for book arts. I had a line of pretty sassy children's clothes that a few stores here in NYC carried. I am currently taking a hard-core jewelry class that is so exciting I could swoon.
I want to do everything. I feel compelled to do everything, learn everything, make everything. But I also want to achieve some success and not just be a dabbler. My MFA is in book arts, and my teaching is in book arts, my "career" is down that path. And to be fair, book arts cuts a BROAD swath through lots of mediums, and it's very inclusive, so there's nothing that says I can't incorporate metalsmithing and textiles and needlework into book arts.
But you can't make any money in book arts. There's no market for it.
And the more time passes, the more I move away from my training as a craftsman and become more artistic and less "marketable." Which pleases me on a lot of levels, but which makes it less and less likely that I will ever be able to support myself, or reach the point where I feel I have succeeded or made something of myself.
Jack of all trades; master of none. I don't want this to be my fate.
I also want to be part of a community of people who are also in this boat, rocking away with the creative tide, but I'm scared and a little uncertain of how to join/form such a community.
My friend Melly is the right sort, so to speak. I need about 8 more Melly-caliber people in my life, but she's the only one I've ever come across. Really, I find almost everyone in the world so unspeakably tedious, which makes it hard to just fit in with a crowd.
Enough pissing and moaning. Going to get to work and take my mind off my lame anxieties.
Just to preface all of this: I am extremely fortunate to have the luxury of not supporting myself. My husband pays for our home, utilities, food, etc. The little money I make teaching pays for my art supplies, old debts, etc. We are lower-middle class (we rent, no car, 1 child) and are lucky enough not to be interested in material things or status, so we have what we need. So I'm not whining about how bad I have it. I have it SO EASY in comparison to pretty much the rest of the world.
That said, I am having a bit of an existential crisis (the privilege of the privileged). I started my adult life as a poet. I went to grad school for book arts. I had a line of pretty sassy children's clothes that a few stores here in NYC carried. I am currently taking a hard-core jewelry class that is so exciting I could swoon.
I want to do everything. I feel compelled to do everything, learn everything, make everything. But I also want to achieve some success and not just be a dabbler. My MFA is in book arts, and my teaching is in book arts, my "career" is down that path. And to be fair, book arts cuts a BROAD swath through lots of mediums, and it's very inclusive, so there's nothing that says I can't incorporate metalsmithing and textiles and needlework into book arts.
But you can't make any money in book arts. There's no market for it.
And the more time passes, the more I move away from my training as a craftsman and become more artistic and less "marketable." Which pleases me on a lot of levels, but which makes it less and less likely that I will ever be able to support myself, or reach the point where I feel I have succeeded or made something of myself.
Jack of all trades; master of none. I don't want this to be my fate.
I also want to be part of a community of people who are also in this boat, rocking away with the creative tide, but I'm scared and a little uncertain of how to join/form such a community.
My friend Melly is the right sort, so to speak. I need about 8 more Melly-caliber people in my life, but she's the only one I've ever come across. Really, I find almost everyone in the world so unspeakably tedious, which makes it hard to just fit in with a crowd.
Enough pissing and moaning. Going to get to work and take my mind off my lame anxieties.