Facing reality [1/1]
Title: Facing reality
Pairing: JongKey
Word count: 1971
Genre: angst, slice of life
Raiting: PG
Summary: 'Gravitation is not responsible for people falling in love.'
A/N: written for shawol_haven current challenge
He waits until the car finally stops in front of that house.
He bows and thanks his friends for giving him a lift and walks towards the door, the smile immediately fades from his face.
He faces the entry and after what seems forever he decides to ring the bell.
The door opens almost right then, as if Jonghyun was standing there all along.
It doesn’t help. Not a bit.
He says hi, steps inside, kneels to take off his shoes. He tries to hide the fact that his hands are trembling, his cheeks are red and he can already feel sweat coming down his back.
They pretend that everything is alright, that nothing happened. That they haven’t spent last few days almost not-eating, not-sleeping, not letting the other one disappear from mind.
But they fail. It’s visible in the way that Kibum stutters and blushes; in the way that Jonghyun smiles nervously and doesn’t know what to do with his hands (upstairs, when they’ll finally sit down in the attic he will clench them on his socks while wobbling).
In the way Kibum is afraid to even face Jonghyun’s mother or noona. In the way Jonghyun closes the door and listens if they’re alone and unheard.
In the way Kibum almost slips from the stairs climbing to the attic. In the way Jonghyun offers him cookies though they both knows that Kibum barely ate one sandwich that day, only to not faint outside his house.
In the way Kibum smiles tensely and disappears behind the little door near Jonghyun’s mattress.
Now, as they’re about four metres apart, Jonghyun leaning his back against the wall and Kibum safe because he can close the door anytime he wishes to- they both stay speechless.
They know what’s coming, why Kibum is here. But none of them dares to start the conversation.
Therefore, Jonghyun asks Kibum how was his day, how is his family, when will he leave to Japan to search for a holiday job. They chat like this for several minutes, trying to relax a bit but they’re still aware of that uncomfortable feeling lingering in the air.
And that’s when Jonghyun comes to join him in the little box room, closes the door so it’s dark (it’s always easier for Kibum to speak when he can’t be seen) and begins the talk.
-So.
-So?- Kibum smiles nervously, hugging his knees to his chest and feeling as if the world was about to crumble in any second.
-So- Jonghyun repeats, drumming his fingers on the wood floor- how do you see it?
-How do I see what?- Kibum asked, though he was ready for all these questions. He just wasn’t quite prepared to answer.
-How do you see it. This relationship. My parent’s can’t know. I bet yours either. We both live in this town where everyone knows everyone. How do you see it? How do you think we could make it?
Kibum is trembling. It seemed different when Jonghyun texted him that night. When Kibum finally admitted it.
Yes, that’s why I hate this actress that you adore so much. Yes, I do want to create relationship with you. Yes, I want to die right now that you know.
Jonghyun seemed oddly calm and prepared for it. And what was even more shocking, he didn’t turn back from him. And essentially, he said they could give it a try.
That night Kibum stayed up until 5 AM.
Now, as he was asked such reasonable question, he lost all words. After starting a sentence numerous times and wanting just to disappear, he said:
-We… have to be careful. For other people not to find out. And…
-And?- Jonghyun asked and Kibum could swear he raised his eyebrow.
-And… -as his mind went blank, he just it his lower lip trying not to burst into tears.
-Kibum? Kibum-ah? You want it. It’s not in your dream anymore. It’s reality you have to face. Do you know how hard it is to hide the fact that you’re with someone? When you’re out with this person? And the school? What if we start acting differently, what if the people notice? And, God forbid, if our parents find out? How do you see it?
Kibum just shakes his head fighting with the tears as these words hit him, one by one.
They are so cruel, so cruel and so real. He is feeling like a fool, a dumb fool and wishes that he never admitted anything.
As he doesn’t show any sign of cooperation, Jonghyun opens the door, giving some light inside and goes out, laying down on his mattress.
-I have no idea how do you want to make it if you don’t think about the world around us.
Kibum lays down on the floor next to the mattress.
-Talk to me.
-About what?
-About everything. I want to know everything.
-Then ask me a question. It’s not easy to pick just one thing right now- Kibum whispers and awaits for Jonghyun to snort with irritation. But he doesn’t. Instead, he adjusts his position and says:
-Then tell me why you felt this way.
Kibum shuts his eyes and takes a deep breath. He knew they wouldn’t avoid this question.
-I… it was just…
-Gravity, huh?- Jonghyun says, but doesn’t smirk as he would do.
-Fuck no- the latter replies staring at the floor- it was… I’ve no idea when it happened. But, well, I started reacting differently in some situations.
-What situations?
-Like… remember when Jessica called you in the New Year’s night? It wasn’t just jealousy I feel for almost all the people I care about. It was something way deeper and stronger.
-Which means?
-… she once was with you. You… you were hers, she was yours. She’s a girl. That allows her to be the first in the queue. And that’s why I can’t even compare to her.
He glanced at his friend who nodded thoughtfully looking at the wall in front of him.
-And that very same night. The time we spent together, your presence, it felt… different from usual. It’s not like enjoying the time I spend with, let’s say, Taemin. It’s not quite like I enjoy it more, it’s just… a different kind of joy, you know? And the dreams. When they started to appear, I wasn’t scared or confused. All that happened in them, it was all so… right, it felt so right, as if it was meant to be. It was harmonic and natural and it was making us both incredibly happy. And… these conversations we share. When we pretend to be a couple. When you call me your princess. It’s… it has different meaning for me. For you it’s just a play, but I need to splash cold water on my face after every single talk like this.
As he speaks, as he pours it all out, he feels as if there was nothing in this world that could cause him more stress. And yet he seems to be so calm.
He hears that Jonghyun covered his face with a pillow.
-I wonder what I don’t know yet.
-I don’t know it either- Kibum blurts out.
-You’re supposed to actually do know it. It’s you who started it.
-… ask me different question.
This time he hears a snort.
-… are you ready to give up having a normal family, a wife and children just for something like this?
This gets Kibum thinking, because, really- right now all he dreamed of was to be with Jonghyun. But as long as he knew it would remain a dream only and nothing more he knew deep inside that one day he’ll probably marry a girl and make a family with her.
Just he didn’t know he would find himself in such situation.
-I… you know that it’s not an experiment for me. I’m taking it seriously.
-For God’s sake, Kibum, you’re 18, how can you decide to give it all up if you haven’t even been in any relationship?!
That was it. Kibum buries his head in his trembling arms, wanting to sink into the ground and be born anew.
Never in his life he’s felt so foolish and naïve.
Jonghyun was the voice of reason he has never had, for the romantic type he was.
-… yes, I guess so. Maybe one day I would. But somehow it’s the ninth month that passes and changes nothing about my feelings. Maybe aside from increasing them.
And Jonghyun tells him something he’d never ever expect to hear.
-Then what if we do it like this? We are together, we are a couple, and after a few years, when we meet someone we think we can create a family with, we do ‘break up’, but only in ‘couple’ context, and we still continue to be best friends forever, that share something more?
Kibum turns his whole body and faces the ceiling. He tries to figure out what he’s just heard.
-Kibum-ah?
-Yeah, I’m… it’s okay. It’s not a bad idea after all.- he smiles lightly though he can easily hear his heartbeat as if there was a microphone near.
-I’m not asking if it’s a good idea, I’m asking what are your feelings about this.
-My feelings… are okay with it. As long as we continue to be together, no matter in which way. I don’t want to lose us. I felt it was so close for it to happen these days. I don’t want to have this feeling anymore- Kibum whispers quietly, still not believing he’s having this kind of conversation with his best friend.
-Then I guess we’ll talk about it once you’re back from Japan- Jonghyun says, sitting on the mattress and smiling at Kibum.
-When I’m back?
-Yeah. I think it’ll give us both some time to think- it’s a whole month after all- and I don’t know, maybe something will change, you never know.
I’ll never change, Kibum thinks but nods still.
-Alright then.
-Gosh, Kibum, smile for once, I’ll be having nightmares of this gloomy face of yours- Jonghyun laughs, leaning closer to his friend.
-One question then.
-Yes, Bummie?
-What did you feel when you found out?
-As if I was hit by a mattock. Hard.
Their talk elongates for two more hours until Kibum has to really go home. Still, before he goes, they hug for several times in different positions. And it feels so different from usual, they last way longer and they can both feel their unsteady heartbeats against each other.
And when Jonghyun says he’s waiting for some kind of initiative from Kibum, the latter isn’t quite sure what he means- is it to initiate some physical contact or to ask him face to face to be his
boyfriend
?
Not knowing the answer he just pretends he doesn’t hear it and feels as his insides are slowly relaxing. And when Jonghyun brings them two little pizzas and he eats it he feels how hungry he’s been these past few days.
And when they’re both in Jonghyun’s car and are heading to Kibum’s home, neither of them speak and Kibum wonders.
Gravity. There is no way it could be a reason for falling in love. Gravity is the only thing that keeps you grounded and rational. Once you split off the ground and lose control over your emotions and thoughts, you’re lost. And deeply, irrationally, foolishly in love you shouldn’t ever feel. If gravity was the one responsible, something like irrational, forbidden love would never have a chance to exist.
And it does exist. And they just faced it.
Neither of them knows what lies ahead.
They’re both excited and frightened.
But what Kibum knows it’s that he didn’t lose a friend.
And maybe even gained someone more.
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A/N: written for shawol_haven challenge. You can vote if you liked. Nothing special, just something I had to get out of my head and could somehow link with the prompt quote.
The quote is 'Gravitation is not responsible for people falling in love' by Alberst Einstein, just so you know.
As you see I’m here though it’s not the end of my hiatus. And I can’t tell when I’ll reply all your comments and messages, please forgive me. I’m hoping to be able to make it up to you as soon as I’m really back. Thank you for being here and waiting for me. It means a lot to me.