a story
when i was a child i believed that the world was a place filled with love. that's what my home was like, especially when i was living in ohio, and big sister was still a part of the family. i thought the world was a place where people always said "please" and "thank you." i thought that the world was a place where people shared, and where people got along for the most part. gradually i realized this wasn't the case. i discovered the world was a place filled with hatred and misery, a place where people hurt each other intentionally, a place where people took things from one another without asking, a place where ugliness seemed to be everywhere that a child had once expected to find beauty.
as i began to comprehend all of these things, i became increasingly bitter and angry. i felt as though i had been torn from a perfect existence, where my limited experience as a child had led me to believe the whole world was like the world i had so far been exposed to. i spent a lot of time being angry at nothing in particular, just angry at the world. i was bitter because i felt that i had been led on, lied to for my entire life. sesame street and mr. rogers had not adequately prepared me for the cruelty the world had to offer. i spent most of my adolescence wrapped up in what i perceived as an injustice that had been inflicted upon me by a world that i had never asked to be born into.
as i grew older i began to take action. i made it my personal mission to change things. i got involved with various sorts of activist movements, and i genuinely thought that the petitions and the protests would make some sort of difference. once again i came to the realization that i was wrong. i saw the world getting worse all the time, and i realized that no matter how committed to any particular cause i was, and regardless of how many other people were committed to similar causes, nothing seemed to change. again i became angry, bitter, and frustrated. i began to spiral out of control, plummeting downward into an abyss of my own making. i became all the things i hated about the world. i used people, i broke the trust of those i had called friends, and one by one, i drove away all the people who cared about me. now that i was alone, my contempt for mankind increased while my life fell to shambles around me, completely unnoticed by the person to whom my life mattered most; me.
soon i found myself at the proverbial rock bottom. i was deep within the halls of chapel perilous and there was nowhere to go but up. stepping outside myself for the first time of many, i turned the lens that i had used to peer through the obfuscation and seek out all that i hated on myself, and found that i had become a mirror image of the world that had for so long been the object of such seething anger. i saw how ugly i had become. i saw, for the first time, all the pain that i had caused those around me. for the first time, i understood why i was so utterly alone.
out of that darkness, came a light. it was a small light, and very dim, but it was there. i took that light and held it close. i nurtured it, helped it to grow. as it became brighter i once again believed that i could change things, that i could make a difference. this time, instead of trying to change the world, i focused of individuals. there were people all around me who were in desperate need of kindness, and someone who genuinely cared about them, simply for the fact that they were human. i began to touch those people, i began to show my light to others, in hope that they would see their own light.
i had never been very popular. my circle of friends had always been fairly small, but we were a tight knight group of kids. after i became the phoenix, after i rose from the ashes, i never stayed with one set of people for very long. i would meet someone, and soon get to know their friends. invariably, there was always one person within the new group i associated with who needed what i had to offer. i spent a long time drifting through different scenes, cliques, and groups finding those who were in need. i would touch those who needed to be touched, and when my work was done, i would drift away just as i came, largely unnoticed. it was a lonely existence, never forming lasting relationships with anyone, friendships and the occasional lover being ephemeral, temporary, at best. i gave and gave so much of myself to these people, never quite knowing if i made a difference or not, simply out of sheer conviction and a glimmer of hope.
it has been tough. there have been many time where i was ready to give up. many times where i was vilified for what i was doing by those who would misunderstand me. many times where my motives have been questioned by a significant other, or a teacher, or a parent. times where false accusations were thrown at me, times where people whom i loved were torn away from me. ever the phoenix, the negativity from others that my light has brought upon me has served only to shore up my resolve, has only given me that much more motivation to change this world. despite the pain and the tears i have suffered due to the path i choose to walk, i press ever forward. it hasn't always been easy. many times i have almost lost hope, and others have had to lend me their strength. the world gets to me. my own life gets to me. sometimes things are just too much for me to handle by myself. to those souls who have given me that support, no matter how small it may have seemed to you at the time, i give you my thanks. you have reminded my why it is that i do what i do.
it has been my hope that those i have touched would go out and do the same. it has been my hope that the people they touched would go out and touch others still. it has been my hope that through my actions, and the actions of others i have not met, and may never meet, that one day, humanity will reach a critical mass, and the world will become the place i had imagined it would be when i was still a child. a place where people shared with each other, a place where people always say "please" and "thank you," a place where everybody gets along, for the most part. i hope that one day i will live to see this world. it is a hope, a dream, a long-shot. even if i don't live to see it, i hope that through my own actions, and through the actions of others, one day the world will be the way that a little boy thought it should be.
be a light. touch somebodies life in a positive way.
as i began to comprehend all of these things, i became increasingly bitter and angry. i felt as though i had been torn from a perfect existence, where my limited experience as a child had led me to believe the whole world was like the world i had so far been exposed to. i spent a lot of time being angry at nothing in particular, just angry at the world. i was bitter because i felt that i had been led on, lied to for my entire life. sesame street and mr. rogers had not adequately prepared me for the cruelty the world had to offer. i spent most of my adolescence wrapped up in what i perceived as an injustice that had been inflicted upon me by a world that i had never asked to be born into.
as i grew older i began to take action. i made it my personal mission to change things. i got involved with various sorts of activist movements, and i genuinely thought that the petitions and the protests would make some sort of difference. once again i came to the realization that i was wrong. i saw the world getting worse all the time, and i realized that no matter how committed to any particular cause i was, and regardless of how many other people were committed to similar causes, nothing seemed to change. again i became angry, bitter, and frustrated. i began to spiral out of control, plummeting downward into an abyss of my own making. i became all the things i hated about the world. i used people, i broke the trust of those i had called friends, and one by one, i drove away all the people who cared about me. now that i was alone, my contempt for mankind increased while my life fell to shambles around me, completely unnoticed by the person to whom my life mattered most; me.
soon i found myself at the proverbial rock bottom. i was deep within the halls of chapel perilous and there was nowhere to go but up. stepping outside myself for the first time of many, i turned the lens that i had used to peer through the obfuscation and seek out all that i hated on myself, and found that i had become a mirror image of the world that had for so long been the object of such seething anger. i saw how ugly i had become. i saw, for the first time, all the pain that i had caused those around me. for the first time, i understood why i was so utterly alone.
out of that darkness, came a light. it was a small light, and very dim, but it was there. i took that light and held it close. i nurtured it, helped it to grow. as it became brighter i once again believed that i could change things, that i could make a difference. this time, instead of trying to change the world, i focused of individuals. there were people all around me who were in desperate need of kindness, and someone who genuinely cared about them, simply for the fact that they were human. i began to touch those people, i began to show my light to others, in hope that they would see their own light.
i had never been very popular. my circle of friends had always been fairly small, but we were a tight knight group of kids. after i became the phoenix, after i rose from the ashes, i never stayed with one set of people for very long. i would meet someone, and soon get to know their friends. invariably, there was always one person within the new group i associated with who needed what i had to offer. i spent a long time drifting through different scenes, cliques, and groups finding those who were in need. i would touch those who needed to be touched, and when my work was done, i would drift away just as i came, largely unnoticed. it was a lonely existence, never forming lasting relationships with anyone, friendships and the occasional lover being ephemeral, temporary, at best. i gave and gave so much of myself to these people, never quite knowing if i made a difference or not, simply out of sheer conviction and a glimmer of hope.
it has been tough. there have been many time where i was ready to give up. many times where i was vilified for what i was doing by those who would misunderstand me. many times where my motives have been questioned by a significant other, or a teacher, or a parent. times where false accusations were thrown at me, times where people whom i loved were torn away from me. ever the phoenix, the negativity from others that my light has brought upon me has served only to shore up my resolve, has only given me that much more motivation to change this world. despite the pain and the tears i have suffered due to the path i choose to walk, i press ever forward. it hasn't always been easy. many times i have almost lost hope, and others have had to lend me their strength. the world gets to me. my own life gets to me. sometimes things are just too much for me to handle by myself. to those souls who have given me that support, no matter how small it may have seemed to you at the time, i give you my thanks. you have reminded my why it is that i do what i do.
it has been my hope that those i have touched would go out and do the same. it has been my hope that the people they touched would go out and touch others still. it has been my hope that through my actions, and the actions of others i have not met, and may never meet, that one day, humanity will reach a critical mass, and the world will become the place i had imagined it would be when i was still a child. a place where people shared with each other, a place where people always say "please" and "thank you," a place where everybody gets along, for the most part. i hope that one day i will live to see this world. it is a hope, a dream, a long-shot. even if i don't live to see it, i hope that through my own actions, and through the actions of others, one day the world will be the way that a little boy thought it should be.
be a light. touch somebodies life in a positive way.