one beat
Well...shit. I think maybe when I said that one was going to be my last entry, it should have been. I've gained much insight on the real thoughts and actions of others from the latter portion of last year up until now. Sure, I could sit here debating what's been said, about how obviously was still bitter about this or that, and how I was still expending energy on certain topics, but I'm not going to. Truth is, I did spend more time than I should have dwelling on what was and will never be again - not as much time as was supposedly said, but time nonetheless. I won't argue the validity of all that's been said. It's not going to be a competition, a war, a rediculous online battle of he said- she said-she said-he said.
This was inspired by an unexpected wave of notalgia passing over me as I found a Sleater-Kinney c.d. of mine I thought was lost. My entire past as a teen rushed back to mind, awaking silly, old memories of a time in ways much simpler, in ways more complicated.
Slightly unrelated (but at the same time related), it's becoming step by step. Moreso in the past I wanted to flea jump, which didnt work really. It's right foot, left foot and that's it. I am feeling lighter and a million miles away. I feel more.. in tune? I suppose that phrase will work. It's late and I'm workin on about 3.5 hrs of hungover sleep, haha. Really though, I do think I am more in tune: with myself, others, nature (eek i sound like a hippie); but especially with myself. I'm learning more that what I need and what I want rarely coincide but when they do, it's magical. I realized that friendships and relationshipd end, many for reasons still unknown, and I've completely accepted that. It's not a game or a battle of who's better, thinner, smarter, faster, winning, losing, any of that. It's a simple fact that things happen, words are misunderstood, actions are misguided, misinterpreted and problems arise. It's over now. I dont know why, but I know how and that's good enough for me. I'm slowly rolling along, no more bitterness and anger. Just a peaceful, wave-esque feeling that I float upon like a strange little ship. Gone is the self doubt and mistrust. Gone are the rumours, questions with no answers, blind siding phone calls, messages and the like. Only now is there the sounds of my own thoughts at night.. along with Chevy purring away on my bed.
:)
If only work could be this peaceful. O, people today were horrible. I got very little sleep which I could have dealt with no problem, but alas I had every rude person approach me today with some rediculous problem. Geez, just take it elsewhere, I really dont care that much. And yes, you are acting dumb! It was one heck of a day that didnt want to end. But that's why when I get off, I drive home to be completely alone, and just relax and listen to music. Or if I'm not too tired, yoga with music. Or tai chi. Hmm..
Well, really I dont have much else to say. There's so much more I could go on about but it would all be repetative and pointless. I've said it all already and either it's been taken completely wrong, or maybe not even at all. Odd looking back, really. All that anger, all that time, all that love, and then all that loss. I dont blame anyone. I dont think anyone's at fault. I think, as usual, things weren't clearly understood or clarified well, and it came time for that train to leave the station. Now in one case or another, I think perhaps the train was never atthe station; it was a mirage, a hallucination of a relationship (no not romantic) that never truly existed as I saw it. I think love fades away, tries to make a comback but realizes this is no longer it's home, just as I the child, did with my mother's home. I no longer allow myself to get angry over how my own words were so completely misunderstood but at that point..even the correct words wouldn't have done much good. But it, like many other things, has been accepted. Life is difficult, love is a risk bigger than I really ever want to take again and putting your most honest foot forward is a daunting task; but there is one thing I'm looking forward to more than anything...