Decisions [HanChul]
Title: Decisions
Pairing: Hangeng/Heechul
Rating: PG
Notes: first Suju fanfic =D
I always knew I would regret leaving. But I left anyway. I still don't know if it was the right decision. In all honesty, I don't believe any decision is ever really right or wrong. It just is. I can't change it now. So I try not to think of all the "what ifs" and memories we will never create.
Maybe there is a universe in which I chose to stay, but I don't live in that universe. I live in this one. This is my reality. My reality...
My reality is watching you from afar. Every performance. Every show. I saw you cry and I was happy. I was happy and I hated myself for it. I was happy because I thought those tears were for me. I still like to think they were for me... that your world revolves around me the way my world revolves around you, but this is reality.
In reality you are Kim Heechul and Kim Heechul isn't the type to dwell on personal tragedy for very long. It's one of the many things I admire about you. You don't sit around feeling sorry for yourself. No matter what you have to go through, in all the years I've known you, you always come out the winner in the end. I wish I had that kind of strength. I wish I could be like you in that aspect: invincible.
I pretended I was sometimes. That I wasn't hurt when I got put down or left out. But I would cry when I was alone. Of course, I never told you or anyone because I didn't want you to think poorly of me. In the end I always knew I would make it through somehow because I had you. And all the members. Even if we didn't get along perfectly we always had each other's backs. We were brothers.
And I hope that just like real brothers we will never stop loving each other. I still love my brothers. I still worry about them. I still remember all we've gone through together. And I hate myself for not being there for them now.... not being there for you.
You did stop crying. You don't even look sad in the interviews I watch, although sometimes I imagine you're just masking the hurt. I imagine that certain looks and words are directed at me.
It's wrong that I want you to still be hurting too. I want you to want me back. I used to have these stupid thoughts about you coming after me, but that only happens in sappy movies, right?
I don't cry as often anymore. but sometimes I'm sure I'm dying and it scares me. The rest of the time I'm sure I'm going to live and that scares me even more.
I want you to know I still love you. I will always love you. I wish I knew how to tell you what you mean to me, but I don't think I could. Even if I knew Korean perfectly the words would never come out right.
I love you Kim Heechul. I love you and I'm sorry. I'm sorry I wasn't able to give my princess a happy ending.
---------------------------------------------------------------
Hangeng stared at the now completed email without hope.
He'd written so many similar to it; only to delete them.
Maybe this time would be different.
He let the cursor hover in the space between the send and delete buttons before making a decision.
He clicked delete.
A/N: so this didn't turn out quite as I imagined.... anyway, i really want to do a few of these. from Heechul's perspective too. but idk if it will even be worth it
Pairing: Hangeng/Heechul
Rating: PG
Notes: first Suju fanfic =D
I always knew I would regret leaving. But I left anyway. I still don't know if it was the right decision. In all honesty, I don't believe any decision is ever really right or wrong. It just is. I can't change it now. So I try not to think of all the "what ifs" and memories we will never create.
Maybe there is a universe in which I chose to stay, but I don't live in that universe. I live in this one. This is my reality. My reality...
My reality is watching you from afar. Every performance. Every show. I saw you cry and I was happy. I was happy and I hated myself for it. I was happy because I thought those tears were for me. I still like to think they were for me... that your world revolves around me the way my world revolves around you, but this is reality.
In reality you are Kim Heechul and Kim Heechul isn't the type to dwell on personal tragedy for very long. It's one of the many things I admire about you. You don't sit around feeling sorry for yourself. No matter what you have to go through, in all the years I've known you, you always come out the winner in the end. I wish I had that kind of strength. I wish I could be like you in that aspect: invincible.
I pretended I was sometimes. That I wasn't hurt when I got put down or left out. But I would cry when I was alone. Of course, I never told you or anyone because I didn't want you to think poorly of me. In the end I always knew I would make it through somehow because I had you. And all the members. Even if we didn't get along perfectly we always had each other's backs. We were brothers.
And I hope that just like real brothers we will never stop loving each other. I still love my brothers. I still worry about them. I still remember all we've gone through together. And I hate myself for not being there for them now.... not being there for you.
You did stop crying. You don't even look sad in the interviews I watch, although sometimes I imagine you're just masking the hurt. I imagine that certain looks and words are directed at me.
It's wrong that I want you to still be hurting too. I want you to want me back. I used to have these stupid thoughts about you coming after me, but that only happens in sappy movies, right?
I don't cry as often anymore. but sometimes I'm sure I'm dying and it scares me. The rest of the time I'm sure I'm going to live and that scares me even more.
I want you to know I still love you. I will always love you. I wish I knew how to tell you what you mean to me, but I don't think I could. Even if I knew Korean perfectly the words would never come out right.
I love you Kim Heechul. I love you and I'm sorry. I'm sorry I wasn't able to give my princess a happy ending.
---------------------------------------------------------------
Hangeng stared at the now completed email without hope.
He'd written so many similar to it; only to delete them.
Maybe this time would be different.
He let the cursor hover in the space between the send and delete buttons before making a decision.
He clicked delete.
A/N: so this didn't turn out quite as I imagined.... anyway, i really want to do a few of these. from Heechul's perspective too. but idk if it will even be worth it