My heart, the Lords home
I have not abandoned you my little livejournal. Although the masses have run to myspace, I have not. I am faithful to my little friend. We've had good times together. Many good times. I am grateful to have a place I can express my innermost thoughts with little concern that anyone will care to read them. There is a certain hiddeness that livejournal provides which I find to be most comforting. I could post an entry saying Im getting engaged in a week and moving to Mexico and not get the slightest response. I could write I'm dying my hair blond and shaving it into a mohawk and not recieve a single reply. I could say Im joining the Peace Corps or becoming a airforce pilot and my dear loved ones would not even be aware of it. All thanks to the lack of interest in this wonderful website called Livejournal. So thank you LJ, thank you. Well on to other matters. Its been a little over 2 weeks since Ive moved back to Washington, D.C. And oh, what interesting weeks they have been. I have cried in the basment of our farm house, not once, but twice. I have cried at the abortion clinic. I have cried in the house of prayer. And I have laughed more times than I can think to count. I have seen the wickedness of my own heart on more than one occasion. And I have repented daily and continually asked the Lord to teach me how to love. I am still asking him for that one. Being in a small, very small, very very small community has its advantages. I am seeing the flaws of others. I am seeing the flaws in my own life. And through it all I am learning to give others grace and learning to recieve it from the Lord as well. I've been going to a black church and LOVING it. Ahh..where do I even began? This week at church they had a celebration service and the little girls did a dance. They had banner and costumes with bright colors, and puffy ponytails and little braids. It was just too much for my little maternal heart to take. I just wanted to grab them all and squeeze them or just jump on stage and twirl with them. Because I do love to twirl. And I am not ashamed to admit I've swung a banner or two around in my day. And two weeks in a row I have seen these adorable little black twins with little matching red hooded jackets and little tiny sneakers and teeny weeny jeans. Oh, those boys. One of them smiled at me and I thought I'd melt. His big grin just warmed my little heart. Oh..yeah. I love children. How is it possible that just looking at another human being can bring inexpressible joy into my heart. How it is possible that a little toothless smile can cause my heart to flip flop so rapidly. Its just a wonder to me. It also makes me think that perhaps I am closer to motherhood than I'd like to believe. My friend Tiffani commented today that she and I will probably both be married and have children in the next 5 years. Something that seems so unbelievable and so far away could very well be a reality to me. Honestly. I mean just look at whats happening around me. Amber my best friend since I was 12 is married and pregnant. Woah. Emily my dear college friend is getting married in July. Stephys walking down the aisle in June. Noe got hitched last summer. And the list continues. And I am 25 years old, one fourth of a century, half of 50! Strange, so very strange. But I am right now on a vow. Yes. I have given myself to the Lord and promised that even if my husband were to come we would not date till 08, at least after the Call..or the elections...or somewhere around that time. And the good thing is that I don't really want to be married right now. And I know people say that, I being one of those main people. But I think I mean what I say this time. I have to learn so much. Cooking, cleaning, respecting, submitting, loving, living with someone who is not me. It takes a lot. And I cant say I am in anyway prepared to do all of those things. I still see myself as a kid. I know I am not. But I still kinda see myself as one. Im just kinda hopping around, praying to turn America back to God, interceding for the Af.Am church, standing in the gap for the nation...ya know, that whole thing. And I am comfortable with doing that type of stuff. I am comfortable living with roomates and eating pizza and sleeping in a bunk bed. What would I know about being someone's wife? Washing someones laundry? Encouraging someone when they feel low. Praying for them when theirs important decisions to be made, like where to send the kids to school or how will we pay a bill we have no money to pay. All of those things are so adult. And I don't know if Im there. I know that this past summer I got 2 words from people about being a natural mom. Not just a spiritual mom but a natural mom. I felt God had to give me those just so I could awaken to the fact that that is a reality I could soon be living in and I need to get my mind prepared for it. Its quite a shocker ya know. I mean, honestly, I love monkey pajamas. But can you really wear monkey pajamas when your married. Highly Unlikely! All I know is marriage is a mystery and I am mystified by it.