(no subject)
It's funny...how you learn so much about yourself through relationships. It's funny how you look back to the past..you scan through your millions of memories with these people who, at one point in time, meant the world to you...and you can actually laugh even when youre crying. Sure I havent been in too many relationships..in fact..most would probably think I have no idea what I'm talking about...but I know what I've learned and I know ive learned a lot. Ive learned the value of happiness, through night after night of crying and wanting heartache to go away. Happiness is something I thought I had during these relationships. And I guess I did, but it was temporary. And It's funny now that I think about it..how time after time I allowed myself to run back into this relm of fleeting happiness. I was only hurting myself. Life has been hard for me to understand for awhile now, and I'm still struggling..everyday. Even last night I wondered how I would ever be able to make it without that "person" by my side..without the memories... without that part of me that he'll always have. But I know ill be able to make it. I know that I can be strong. RElationships are actually awesome. You learn what youre NOT looking for just by being in them. Some learn quickly, others..like me..it takes a lot longer. I know not to take excuses for an answer. I know that someone who really deserves me and really cares for me will NEVER put me through the pain that Ive gone through over the past 10 months. Someone will love me..and they'll love me for ME. They'll love my flaws, theyll love my wacky personality..theyll understand that I overreact and that sometimes I just need to talk my head off. When I find him..ill know. Because I wont be afraid to NOT dress up around him..ill impress him just by being there. I'll never be a part of a shallow relationship again. I learned. And I knew.. I knew from the beginning. That's a mistake I'll live with for the rest of my life. BUt I'm gaining self respect and strength and I'm finding myself through all of this...through the tears and the pain...through everything. There are places I cant go yet.. things I cant look at. It brings back too many memories. But In time, as with the relationship previous to this one...I know I'll make it through. I'm not going to give up. I've come too far to turn back now.