goodbye time.
i gave myself to you over and over and over again, continuously allowing myself to be put in the position of you breaking my heart. and you did.. over and over and over again. but im not here to blame. im here to be honest with you, the easiest way i know how: with my words.
i woke up this morning and realized that it truly is all over. it's happened a few times before, but never for good. i had to let it sink in because, at first, as i had done previously, i thought to myself, "things will be back to normal.. just give it a couple days." that isn't the case this time, though.
two days ago i took down all of your pictures and everything that reminded me of you, as to make it easier on myself to let you go. i deleted your pictures off of my phone and changed any indication that you were nothing more to me than a friend. the night it happened..i mean really happened..i saw my world come crashing down. when you spend a significant amount of time with someone, regardless of the fact that a lot of the times are lies or fights or something negative, you find it very hard to take yourself out of a relationship.
i didnt see it coming. i mean i did, but not in this way. i imagined it all different in my mind. at first i thought we would be together.. i mean title and all. and when i realized that was never going to be the case, i pulled myself away just enough to end it without a lot of pain, if i ever decided to. i thought i would be able to say "goodbye" and it mean nothing. i thought i would be able to see the whole relationship as nothing more than best friends that had fun memories, but the longer we were together, the less that idea in my mind sounded right. you came back to me as the guy from my past, the one i had never truly gotten over. you were my dream, my prayer, the only one i could see myself together with.
every lie that i saw with my own eyes or that i heard from other people sunk in, but not nearly deep enough to ompletely pull myself away from you. i forgave you, not only because I knew God commanded me to, but because I sincerely believed that your mindset was wrong, that you were sorry, and that you werent going to do it again. but dont worry, i still forgive you for everything, but this time only because I am commanded to do so.
the whole time i was on my mission trip, i thought about you very little. if anyone asked about you, i didnt answer. and even when my best friend called me to tell me the inevitable news, i didnt think much of it. i can occupy myself and that makes it easier on me, but it's times like this.. times when we dont talk because, well, we know why, or times when it's really late at night and im all alone.. that i become really sad. hopefully you and her have finally made the decision, once and for all, to be faithful to each other. everything i said to you at the beach still stands true. ive always known the how your heart really felt, i just denied it for 7 months.. but last saturday i finally accepted it. i dont regret you or our relationship, but i do regret my constant denial.
i want to thank you for everything that you've done for me: for every time that you listened to my boring stories or complaints. for every time that you cheered me up with your smile or your hug or a kiss. for every time that you were respectful to my parents. for the times that you let me cry on your shoulder. for the times that you did stuff for me just to make me happy. for every laugh, every sweet memory. but especially for every time that you made me feel important and made me feel like someone in the world actually wanted to be with me because of who i am inside.
please be patient with me, Caleb. youre never going to know how this feels, because like ive said before, youve always had someone on your plate that has made you feel the way that you used to make me feel. so please forgive me if im mean to you (i.e. writing on your wall on facebook or my pf on AIM); sometimes i find it easier on myself to be hateful then to accept reality. forgive me for missing you everyday. but most importantly please forgive me for still holding on. i promise someday ill learn to cut all of my strings, but it's going to take time. so if i annoy you by wanting to talk to you or feeling like i need to see you, please forgive me. you dont have to see me, nor talk to me for that matter, but please just dont be mean to me. just give it time, ill be out of your hair soon.
im praying for you everyday, that you will always be happy.. that you will never have to go through what im going through..that you will succeed in everything you do.. and as much as i hate it, that if lauren is the one youre supposed to be with, that nothing would get in the way of that-not even me.
i would like to see you before u leave for college next week, it can be a group thing or whatever, even if it is only for a minute. dont worry, God has me under control, nothing will happen that will put you in an awkward position.
ill always keep you in my heart Caleb Goodnight and i hope that you will never forget about me or what we had. i know youve already moved on and im in the process, but i want you to know how much youve meant to me since we dated in the 10th grade, but especially this year, and how much you will always mean to me. so this is my final goodbye to you. oh how i hate goodbyes, but we know they have to come sometime. ill try my hardest not to bother you, you have my word. ill be in chapel hill on the 27th, and here in kannapolis until then. if you ever need someone to talk to, you know where im at.
God bless you always, i love you, and i wish you only the best. Sincerely, Jane.
i woke up this morning and realized that it truly is all over. it's happened a few times before, but never for good. i had to let it sink in because, at first, as i had done previously, i thought to myself, "things will be back to normal.. just give it a couple days." that isn't the case this time, though.
two days ago i took down all of your pictures and everything that reminded me of you, as to make it easier on myself to let you go. i deleted your pictures off of my phone and changed any indication that you were nothing more to me than a friend. the night it happened..i mean really happened..i saw my world come crashing down. when you spend a significant amount of time with someone, regardless of the fact that a lot of the times are lies or fights or something negative, you find it very hard to take yourself out of a relationship.
i didnt see it coming. i mean i did, but not in this way. i imagined it all different in my mind. at first i thought we would be together.. i mean title and all. and when i realized that was never going to be the case, i pulled myself away just enough to end it without a lot of pain, if i ever decided to. i thought i would be able to say "goodbye" and it mean nothing. i thought i would be able to see the whole relationship as nothing more than best friends that had fun memories, but the longer we were together, the less that idea in my mind sounded right. you came back to me as the guy from my past, the one i had never truly gotten over. you were my dream, my prayer, the only one i could see myself together with.
every lie that i saw with my own eyes or that i heard from other people sunk in, but not nearly deep enough to ompletely pull myself away from you. i forgave you, not only because I knew God commanded me to, but because I sincerely believed that your mindset was wrong, that you were sorry, and that you werent going to do it again. but dont worry, i still forgive you for everything, but this time only because I am commanded to do so.
the whole time i was on my mission trip, i thought about you very little. if anyone asked about you, i didnt answer. and even when my best friend called me to tell me the inevitable news, i didnt think much of it. i can occupy myself and that makes it easier on me, but it's times like this.. times when we dont talk because, well, we know why, or times when it's really late at night and im all alone.. that i become really sad. hopefully you and her have finally made the decision, once and for all, to be faithful to each other. everything i said to you at the beach still stands true. ive always known the how your heart really felt, i just denied it for 7 months.. but last saturday i finally accepted it. i dont regret you or our relationship, but i do regret my constant denial.
i want to thank you for everything that you've done for me: for every time that you listened to my boring stories or complaints. for every time that you cheered me up with your smile or your hug or a kiss. for every time that you were respectful to my parents. for the times that you let me cry on your shoulder. for the times that you did stuff for me just to make me happy. for every laugh, every sweet memory. but especially for every time that you made me feel important and made me feel like someone in the world actually wanted to be with me because of who i am inside.
please be patient with me, Caleb. youre never going to know how this feels, because like ive said before, youve always had someone on your plate that has made you feel the way that you used to make me feel. so please forgive me if im mean to you (i.e. writing on your wall on facebook or my pf on AIM); sometimes i find it easier on myself to be hateful then to accept reality. forgive me for missing you everyday. but most importantly please forgive me for still holding on. i promise someday ill learn to cut all of my strings, but it's going to take time. so if i annoy you by wanting to talk to you or feeling like i need to see you, please forgive me. you dont have to see me, nor talk to me for that matter, but please just dont be mean to me. just give it time, ill be out of your hair soon.
im praying for you everyday, that you will always be happy.. that you will never have to go through what im going through..that you will succeed in everything you do.. and as much as i hate it, that if lauren is the one youre supposed to be with, that nothing would get in the way of that-not even me.
i would like to see you before u leave for college next week, it can be a group thing or whatever, even if it is only for a minute. dont worry, God has me under control, nothing will happen that will put you in an awkward position.
ill always keep you in my heart Caleb Goodnight and i hope that you will never forget about me or what we had. i know youve already moved on and im in the process, but i want you to know how much youve meant to me since we dated in the 10th grade, but especially this year, and how much you will always mean to me. so this is my final goodbye to you. oh how i hate goodbyes, but we know they have to come sometime. ill try my hardest not to bother you, you have my word. ill be in chapel hill on the 27th, and here in kannapolis until then. if you ever need someone to talk to, you know where im at.
God bless you always, i love you, and i wish you only the best. Sincerely, Jane.