you only think about yourself
So i dont know what is wrong with me. I should be totally happy and estatic about a lot of things right now. But for some reason, i am totally unhappy. I dont know why i am unhappy all the time. I cant quite put my finger on it. It just seems that something is bothering the shit out of me and I have no power over it and I can't control it. Its like i am standing in a room and watching my whole life and i cant do anything to stop it.
so for one, there is this totally awesome guy whom i would have given my left testical to be near, and now that it is upon me, i dont know what is holding me back. I mean i totally like him and he is super cool. Hes the best. BUT there is something wrong with me! I am retarded! i swear it. I am cursed! i dont know how to go about the whole thing.
now lets not forget the whole thing with Mr. FL. GOD!!! i so hate myself for that. i mean i suppose it isnt a bad thing, but it would make things easier if i had never met him....ever. The impact was astounding. everyone knows that i am a total brick wall when it comes to my feelings and guys. I never let anyone in. i am oblivious to feelings and love. i am the devil. but with him it wasnt like that. I just totally let him in, no questions asked. which was maybe why leah thought it to be so weird. i didnt even think twice about it. why you ask? lord i wish i knew! but, I mean there is always that one person you meet in your life that just changes your life completely and just makes you do a total 360 and no matter what you do and what changes in your life and no matter what you try to accomplish with anyone else, they will still be there lingering in the back of your mind. know what i mean? i mean i dont regret meeting him...he is a wonderful person and there are still things left unsaid that shall remain unsaid until the time comes, but still, it would be nice to be able to forget about it, at least for like a minute.
then there is school, and the homelife. for those of you who are good friends, and know the situation, it hasnt gotten any better. (is gotten even a word?) hopefully things will all work out for the better as with any situation. School just blows me and a work is a pain in my ass.
But my sister is home with my baby so that brought some sort of excitement to my meaningless life. He is growing up so fast and i am totally missing out on his entire life. I wnat to move to california with them. I would be so happy there. I know i would. Away from michigan and away from all this bullshit stress and cold weather. It would be great. But if i go, leah goes. thats the rules..
leahs ma is totally moving to florida and she now has to get her own place. I mean of course now that she goes, i am totally going. but i think it would be sweet to move to florida. leah said she doesnt like it there to live. to visit it is ok, but she doesnt want to leave. I do. i would go by myself if i had to opprotunity. there isnt shit for me here.
but anyways, enough of my senceless rambling, i have to go take a shower and then, work! yesss!!! holla atcha' boy! woo woo
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