Explanation Part 1-Clear Night
Things are becoming more clear to me now. I have been in a serious whirlwind since I have been here en Suisse. After the initial 2 weeks here a pressure began to grow between Cedric and I. I have cried a lot. Things became very confusing. I moved most of my stuff to his grandmother's house. I stayed chez elle for a few days. It made things better, but not 100%. And now we have found that most of the initial flame that we felt is dead. We love each other deeply and on many levels. We still feel very good to the touch to each other... but there is no more desire for the other. There is, however, a pain that fills the void that used to be filled with passionate amour.
Though now I have moved to the fouton in the living room. I let him have the only blanket in the house tonight so that he doesn't have to use the sleeping bag 3 days in a row. This time alone is giving me insight on our situation:
1)I know that I want to finish school. I knew this before, but now I am really feeling passionate about my education again. I have no clue where I will end up in this respect, but I want to use my potential in whatever way the universe deems appropriate. I am feeling inclined to really continue building on my scientific base, but how, je ne sais pas.
2)I would really love to be able to finish my education here. There is CERN, the UN, and mountains all around. My body is transforming because of all the hiking that I am doing. Salsa classes are GREAT!
3)I have found a job that will give me a visa and I will begin the advanced course in French in 3 weeks.
HOWEVER:
4)I am living with a man that I would have to live with until I finish school, about another 4 years here.
5)He works part-time as a social worker, generally less than 20 hours per week... because he has almost $1.25 million in stocks. This gives him lots of free time to go out drinking and dancing late... while I get up early... and while I will be getting up early if I stay here for school. Therefore, this equals a major lifestyle difference between us. This man met me while he had another girlfriend, so I am now realizing that he has a great potential to do the same to me.
6)He says that he wants to do something more with his life, but I am not sure that this will ever happen. And I honestly think that I will become permanantly bored with him if he does not continunue to grow mentally. And I *did* once love him very deeply... when we travelled together. When we were both free %100. But we are not now. There is the talk of travel together this fall/winter... but we are growing apart and I feel an inkling that he may not want for me to go with him anymore. But it is this number 6 that is the hope that I hang on to.
7)I could go back to Louisiana with my friends and family and work my ass off and do the whole loans/grants thing... but SANS MOUNTAINS.... THIS IS THE KILLER FOR ME.
8) Although he has offered to help me stay here until I get on my feet even if we are not together, I have NO DESIRE to be a vampire, and I have expressed this to him.
Cheers
Though now I have moved to the fouton in the living room. I let him have the only blanket in the house tonight so that he doesn't have to use the sleeping bag 3 days in a row. This time alone is giving me insight on our situation:
1)I know that I want to finish school. I knew this before, but now I am really feeling passionate about my education again. I have no clue where I will end up in this respect, but I want to use my potential in whatever way the universe deems appropriate. I am feeling inclined to really continue building on my scientific base, but how, je ne sais pas.
2)I would really love to be able to finish my education here. There is CERN, the UN, and mountains all around. My body is transforming because of all the hiking that I am doing. Salsa classes are GREAT!
3)I have found a job that will give me a visa and I will begin the advanced course in French in 3 weeks.
HOWEVER:
4)I am living with a man that I would have to live with until I finish school, about another 4 years here.
5)He works part-time as a social worker, generally less than 20 hours per week... because he has almost $1.25 million in stocks. This gives him lots of free time to go out drinking and dancing late... while I get up early... and while I will be getting up early if I stay here for school. Therefore, this equals a major lifestyle difference between us. This man met me while he had another girlfriend, so I am now realizing that he has a great potential to do the same to me.
6)He says that he wants to do something more with his life, but I am not sure that this will ever happen. And I honestly think that I will become permanantly bored with him if he does not continunue to grow mentally. And I *did* once love him very deeply... when we travelled together. When we were both free %100. But we are not now. There is the talk of travel together this fall/winter... but we are growing apart and I feel an inkling that he may not want for me to go with him anymore. But it is this number 6 that is the hope that I hang on to.
7)I could go back to Louisiana with my friends and family and work my ass off and do the whole loans/grants thing... but SANS MOUNTAINS.... THIS IS THE KILLER FOR ME.
8) Although he has offered to help me stay here until I get on my feet even if we are not together, I have NO DESIRE to be a vampire, and I have expressed this to him.
Cheers