When faith challenges you...
I went to church tonight at the CSC, and I've been thinking for the past couple hours. My faith has been a struggle in my life over the past many many years. I was raised going to Catholic school from kindergarten all the way to the 10th grade before I switched to an independent school. I always loved being Catholic, but as I got older, I began questioning some of the doctrines which I had so blindly accepted before. The Archbishop of Cincinnati closed down my church and shipped our priest off to the other side of town. I didn't really like our new church, and I stopped going. Without going, I started to wonder if I even missed it. Did I really believe all that stuff anymore?
I started going to church again on a regular basis again my sophomore year at Wash U. I really only go when I'm in St. Louis because I love the CSC, but I'm not even the best at going every week. Since Thanksgiving, I have only gone to church twice (tonight and two weeks ago). I think the biggest reason I started going back is because I needed to believe that there was something more out there. After being depressed on and off for a couple years, it was hard thinking that I was all alone. I suppose I still think that sometimes, but I feel like it's less than before. I get some sort of strength out of going to church now. It feels good to believe in something again.
But, it's still so hard. I want to be a good Catholic. There are so many things that challenge me, though. Tonight Father Gary challenged us to tear down walls in our lives because there should never, ever, be walls between human beings. I feel like there are a lot of walls in my life, and it's hard to get rid of them. "We all belong." That was the theme of the night. I've been challenged to stop putting up these artificial boundaries between me and other people. I do this a lot of times. It's like I know that I should give everyone a chance, to accept everyone. Part of me feels like that is not even possible, but then I feel like I'm being bad to my faith for not always trying. I feel challenged to change that part of me.
This semester has challenged me in my faith all around. Faith in other people and faith in myself. It's hard for me to believe in the good things when I can't even see past May. It's hard for me not to be selfish. I want to see my friends all the time because I don't know if I'm really even going to have next year with the ones who will still be in St. Louis (and I'm definitely not with the ones that are leaving). It's hard for me to believe - to know - that I'm loved. That I'll be celebrated if I stay, that I'll be missed if I go, and that I won't be forgotten. It's hard for me to take comfort in the times when I'm just alone... to believe that I'm not actually alone and to take the time that I have to myself to do nice things for myself. To actually love myself, and treat myself like it.
To believe that it's alright to think this way. To believe that things really be ok. That my life really is going to make a difference.
I suppose this is why we have faith.
I started going to church again on a regular basis again my sophomore year at Wash U. I really only go when I'm in St. Louis because I love the CSC, but I'm not even the best at going every week. Since Thanksgiving, I have only gone to church twice (tonight and two weeks ago). I think the biggest reason I started going back is because I needed to believe that there was something more out there. After being depressed on and off for a couple years, it was hard thinking that I was all alone. I suppose I still think that sometimes, but I feel like it's less than before. I get some sort of strength out of going to church now. It feels good to believe in something again.
But, it's still so hard. I want to be a good Catholic. There are so many things that challenge me, though. Tonight Father Gary challenged us to tear down walls in our lives because there should never, ever, be walls between human beings. I feel like there are a lot of walls in my life, and it's hard to get rid of them. "We all belong." That was the theme of the night. I've been challenged to stop putting up these artificial boundaries between me and other people. I do this a lot of times. It's like I know that I should give everyone a chance, to accept everyone. Part of me feels like that is not even possible, but then I feel like I'm being bad to my faith for not always trying. I feel challenged to change that part of me.
This semester has challenged me in my faith all around. Faith in other people and faith in myself. It's hard for me to believe in the good things when I can't even see past May. It's hard for me not to be selfish. I want to see my friends all the time because I don't know if I'm really even going to have next year with the ones who will still be in St. Louis (and I'm definitely not with the ones that are leaving). It's hard for me to believe - to know - that I'm loved. That I'll be celebrated if I stay, that I'll be missed if I go, and that I won't be forgotten. It's hard for me to take comfort in the times when I'm just alone... to believe that I'm not actually alone and to take the time that I have to myself to do nice things for myself. To actually love myself, and treat myself like it.
To believe that it's alright to think this way. To believe that things really be ok. That my life really is going to make a difference.
I suppose this is why we have faith.