Ramblings
There is so much I want to say, but then again I can't. I'm missing my best friend (I think she misses me too, but who really knows?). I hate hiding myself, and hiding the truth. I'm very tired of things. I try to do it right, but maybe I don't know what right is. This is such a high point in my life to lose someone so close.
People around me lift me up so often, and tell me how great I am in the work place and as a friend in their lives... however I can't seem to believe them, when I don't have the most important person telling me the same. You come to rely on that person as a rock in your life after 5 years of friendship, and the old saying applys... you don't know what you had until it's gone. I did realize before she was completely gone, but maybe not soon enough.
I need a rock in my life, something strong to stand on. Who will fill that void? I wish I could say more about what is really going on and really poor myself out here, but it doesn't make a difference, so it probably isn't worth my time. I just want to enjoy her. Remember what it was like to not worry.
It's been so long, with so much arguing, mostly caused by the distance. The little fights about simple shit just didn't matter. I hated being far away, and she did too. I guess the love just couldn't beat the distance. Why the hell not? That's what makes me mad! We deserve a chance at things being close! We never had that. I was willing to move up there, but the cards didn't allow that hand to play out. At least I offered that. I was willing to uproot myself for her. I would do it today if she asked, because the people you love are more important than jobs and material things.
I have heard that real love between two people is when you do what is best for the other person regardless. I would do that if I were given the chance. Maybe right now that is to walk away in silence...
Recently I considered the fact that there are certain things no one can steal from us. Things that no one will be able to experience with her. I am going to hang on to those things, and hold them close to my heart. (kissing in front of the lockers, walking on my back backstage, playing tag in the park, our boat trip to her grandparents, fishing on Lake Bellaire, helping her move away to school, the promise ring, making love in her dorm room shower, camping with our high school friends, working late at Lone Star, my 21st birthday, her 21st birthday, our trip to Florida, geeze... so many things).
I could go on and on here. I really just want to be able to share them with her again. When we talk about these things it reminds me of why we stuck together. You can focus on the bad in life and make reasons why things shouldn't be, but it takes a strong soul to forgive others and yourself and forget the bad times. All too often society focuses on the bad things, and it creates so much hate.
I will never give up hope until the day I am forced to do so. Certain people come into your life that you just can't give up on no matter what. I've had people come and go and it is the way of the world, but there are few people who really matter, and I create a special bond with in my life... they never truely dissapear for very long. We always find our way back to one another. I think that will happen here too.
Every night I pray, I hear God saying "Not right now". I will continue to pray and do my best to turn my life over to the Lord.
People around me lift me up so often, and tell me how great I am in the work place and as a friend in their lives... however I can't seem to believe them, when I don't have the most important person telling me the same. You come to rely on that person as a rock in your life after 5 years of friendship, and the old saying applys... you don't know what you had until it's gone. I did realize before she was completely gone, but maybe not soon enough.
I need a rock in my life, something strong to stand on. Who will fill that void? I wish I could say more about what is really going on and really poor myself out here, but it doesn't make a difference, so it probably isn't worth my time. I just want to enjoy her. Remember what it was like to not worry.
It's been so long, with so much arguing, mostly caused by the distance. The little fights about simple shit just didn't matter. I hated being far away, and she did too. I guess the love just couldn't beat the distance. Why the hell not? That's what makes me mad! We deserve a chance at things being close! We never had that. I was willing to move up there, but the cards didn't allow that hand to play out. At least I offered that. I was willing to uproot myself for her. I would do it today if she asked, because the people you love are more important than jobs and material things.
I have heard that real love between two people is when you do what is best for the other person regardless. I would do that if I were given the chance. Maybe right now that is to walk away in silence...
Recently I considered the fact that there are certain things no one can steal from us. Things that no one will be able to experience with her. I am going to hang on to those things, and hold them close to my heart. (kissing in front of the lockers, walking on my back backstage, playing tag in the park, our boat trip to her grandparents, fishing on Lake Bellaire, helping her move away to school, the promise ring, making love in her dorm room shower, camping with our high school friends, working late at Lone Star, my 21st birthday, her 21st birthday, our trip to Florida, geeze... so many things).
I could go on and on here. I really just want to be able to share them with her again. When we talk about these things it reminds me of why we stuck together. You can focus on the bad in life and make reasons why things shouldn't be, but it takes a strong soul to forgive others and yourself and forget the bad times. All too often society focuses on the bad things, and it creates so much hate.
I will never give up hope until the day I am forced to do so. Certain people come into your life that you just can't give up on no matter what. I've had people come and go and it is the way of the world, but there are few people who really matter, and I create a special bond with in my life... they never truely dissapear for very long. We always find our way back to one another. I think that will happen here too.
Every night I pray, I hear God saying "Not right now". I will continue to pray and do my best to turn my life over to the Lord.