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[hindenburg]

what a super day. i couldnt fall asleep till 6am. was awake from my brother calling over and over. he wants me to drive all the way out there to drop off some bullshit for a hurt worker. well, i did that went out of my way to organize it like im suposed to. Zach drove me down with my bike. well its been sitting around and was dusty so my brother goes out of his way to clean it and make it look new. well it was looking really sharp. i couldnt wait to give it to him, just to see the smile i put on someones face. well, like usual shit goes wrong. i feel almost embarassed to give it to him in the first place, but finally after about a good 15 people were to gather around us to take a look, what happens? the fucking tire blows out right in front of us all. wow, great way to make me feel better. as everyone laughed and his smile disapeared, it just killed me inside. in some ways it could be funny but this is something i went way out of my way to bring all the way down there and give it to him for FREE. my brother felt what i was feeling. he could feel how upset i was and crushed from it. he tried to make me feel better by stewing over it, like WHY THE FUCK DID THE FUCKING TIRE POP. well when it just happened to looks at me and says, "i told you not to put that much air in it" which honestly i didnt. the sidewall on the tire states 35-80 P.S.I. im not that stupid. so i picked a medium of 55 P.S.I. which should have been fine which i explained to him later. well anyway that was a great waste of time, energy, just really upsetting. well we head all the way back to Ventura to go check out Main St. to get a cup of coffee. that was pretty gay, i just remembered some good times i had with my best friend chris, and finally had someone i could talk to and they didnt bitch that they have to go. its really hard on me cause i can never talk to anyone and it builds up. i used to not talk to anyone, i was quiet and anti-social. if you give me the chance i may rattle a bit, but ill take brakes for the other to talk. really sucks to be ditched on though. well after being harrassed by one of the homeless there we took off and went out to Salzers, which is a music store and they have other shit upstairs like pipes and smokes. well, of course Zach spots one of the girls i really liked that works there just to wave. i had this feeling inside like, "what do i have to lose? shit goes wrong all the time, why not just accelerate the process? or at least give it a chance." so he babled some shit off to the asspimple behind the counter for some bullshit he ordered a while ago. sometimes i get this feeling like he doesnt like me to be around girls... just really at all or any of them that look good or look at me not him. well he gives the old okay lets go, when i thought to myself no, lets go harrass Natalie. well i go over and bable a bit, shes so cute, short and just a little crazy. something like her really can turn me on. well she asked about the knee like everyone does, well i told her the truth... its getting worse now but i manage kinda, but shes looking to move out of her house to some other place get another job and what have you. well, i asked her if her phone works at all, of course i get the NO, its broke bullshit. well, i told her she sucks cause i have no way to caller. she kinda liked that, but i told her you know you gotta let me know where you go. do you want my new cell phone number? YES :) and tosses a notepad out on the counter like its a piece of shitand gets a pencil pen clicking it spacing out. well, she took it and without anything else said by me she said she would find some way to call me if she does quit or move. i also informed her of someone else that she works with making a comment which seemed like this someone was jelious for some reason. oh yea, he knows NATALIE. like oh isnt she so special. well anyway she kept looking at me while Zach and I checked out the movie titles and other shit. so i looked at her back like yea. she looked away real quick but looked back assuming i would have looked away. NOPE still lookin'. shes all blushing with the what was that look you just gave me? well i didnt say this but yea, just a real friendly look :). well i believe i made a little bit of a good impression. anyway we left there and went out to Oxnard. he decided to go to Coffee Bean. Nothing that great going on, and by this time the small headache i woke up with grew into a moderate shit headache. well we sat there talked a bit and decided to go outside. well there was a girl that smiled at me a couple times but i never take that seriously anymore since nothing really comes of it. well when she walked by to use the restroom she almost it me with her purse. swinging it around just bearly missed me. well ends up being a friend of a worker that is friends with Zach. once i finally got outside to catch up to Zach, this bunch of people are asking him if they give him 10 bucks will he show the girl that worked there a good time... like an escort. well it was pretty touchy topic cause he got himself to a 50 dollar limit and that just kinda blew up in his face. kinda mad me feel sad. im no fag, but he is really a good guy inside and i believe he deserves someone as great a person as he is. no price tag can touch that. well, i did notice that same girl in that crowd and some how i got drug into the date bullshit as well when i didnt even say anything just walking around. this guy was like Zach is a good looking guy, isnt he? there both good looking guys.... well this girl is checkin me out smiling. i mean this girl was cute and looked great. she had a beautiful smile and just really seemed nice. it didnt really matter where i went she went out of her way to make eye contact with me and smile at me as much as possible. i honestly dont rate myself so high on the totem pole of being some hot guy, but i dont think i could be ugly or really displeasing. i am for the most part too afraid to get back into that even though i really want it. im just worried of moving and so on. i would love to make a close friend not like a man slut but just someone close... who knows sometimes it turns to love but others turn to crap. anyway, it comes down to the biker guys finally leaving and leaving us four (Zach, Alexus, Melinda, and me) all to ourselves. well really the only person left sitting was her. she got up and got asked, why you getting up? like it fucking matters lol. we all bable a bit and i noticed that she gets closer and closer everytime im not paying attention. i havent had that happen to me for years. well, through all of that we get back to sitting down. my leg can be a real bitch... really gets sore. anyway we talk a bit and i throw the whole comedy bit, everyone laughs so im happy. only thing that got to me was the constant asking to leave. we are in the middle of a great 4 way conversation. why leave? i have a beautiful girl next to me that wants to talk. why leave? i just felt like no, im not letting this happen. i have to stay around for things like that. things like that brighten my rainy days. well i love the whole typical how old bit always comes into play. well the truth has been spoken. i've never seen people force the "and a half" so hard like ALMOST THERE!!! so what, doesnt change anything your just the same age. im 21 and in 10 months, ill still be 21 not 21.98276164 years old. usualy a sign of immaturity but whatever. well aside the fact this girl is 17 and 1/2 (put it that way for respect) cause i can remember being so close to 18, all the handcuffs come off. anyway, i like this chick. i believe i will lightly pursue this opertunity. of course i get the so angry from Zach because there age. honestly im in no hurry to fuck. im really more interested in finding a companion, someone i can spend time with and be close to. that feeling i can never forget. i noticed it from when i was young i was always very close and attached to my mother. yea i grew up a bit and a little more like this is nasty and incest crossed my mind. i became very distant from her and my family. well i know myself and i know my family, that shit just wont happen. i still am very attached and protective of my mom and always will be. she has always been there for me in need and even when i didnt need, and i promised her from childhood that i would take care of her until the time comes when she passes away. please jesus dont let her die any time soon, no one lives for ever but i couldnt handle that at this point of my life. i dont know how i would really take it. i dont even want to think about it. anywho, we all know where this girl works and all and i bet you she spends much more time around the coffee shop. i hope everything goes well. i just dont want Zach to be upset. i would still spend a sufficient ammount of time with him. i wont let it be like my last relationship where it seemed like i disapeared. i charish my friends like i do my mother. they are very dear to me, and it hurts that much more to be so far away from them. Zach did make a very good point tonight when we had a pretty harsh discussion about past issues in family. i do have him, he has been there for me. i do trust him, he may seem a bit odd with the girls if im there but thats just normal. i know he would do just really about anything for me, and i would for him. it is something i dont want to lose. well at that point when we all had to go home... my headache had grown into a nasty throbbing headache. i knew it wouldnt go away until i took asprin. which it did. well there is always a way to ruin a great day as i like to say. what could possibly distroy the little happyness i could have? i get the mail, and look through it since ive been waiting to see and EDD for my disability. im broke as hell, this just isnt working i need my pills, food, just everything. well i see something that seemed important which had been addressed to me being in Glendale, CA. thats really close to L.A. where my lawyer is. so it would be a safe assumption it has to do with the entire thing. i was right but it wasnt what i wanted to see hear or anything. it states that i must go to court Jan, 27th 2005. well its not all that bad but just the fact i know this will being floating around my head constantly it just added stress i dont want, but it cant be avoided. im really nervious for the reason that shit in life for many but i know this goes for me... NEVER GOES RIGHT. things never work out, never work in your favor. the whole thing started with my leg. i honestly just wanted to be better, say its okay and just be light on it for a while. no, that couldnt happen. that would be too easy. this needed to be something that was drug out from day one with disrespect from my manager and Senior. assistant manager. the senior being the one that grabbed my ass. well, it drug out to over 2 weeks past the incident where i was told that 2 days after it being locked that i have a 70% chance of it being a success, but the longer it takes the lower the percentage would be. 2 weeks was about 30%, well it seemed to be doing well. everything seemed to be getting better. well of course like i said things never go right. one night this past week i woke up in major pain. as i bearly moved to roll over i felt a tear in my knee. it was bad enough i could not only feel it but i heard it under the sheets. ever since that point things have been acting up with my knee. its gotten sore, swolen and tried to do the "locking" which i really believe is like a dislocation while eating pizza in the kitchen. i almost ate it comming up the stairs tonight. its gotten to the point im afraid to even try walking at all. i might get back on my crutches. i dont want that shit, i fucking hate crutches. i feel stupid enough with a really bad limp that i got going on right now. its enough for everyone to stare, and everyone to ask what happened. im sick of this, but im stuck with this. being in this condition, i dont think i can ever run again, or even walk properly. i will not have a second operation. i know how it goes and i dont need anymore holes in my leg or have to take anymore narcotics(Vicodin; Norco). i dread the day of this court, which i dont think will just be over in a day... it may take weeks, or more. i have a witness, and a solid story since there is no reason to lie. i have been very honest. no bullshit, my brother probably knows me best out of everyone. i dont limp and bitch and almost cry because im some pussy. he knows its got to really hurt. when moving his shit from the 3rd story in his old apartment carying the california king matress being on the bottom trying to manuver it down 3 flights of stairs where the cement is that cool spiky texture. yea i was bleeding all over the place. it did hurt a little but no worries, it will stop bleeding and heal. shit happens, but when shit doesnt heal, and is perminently fucked? you can never be normal again? you will be stared at by almost everyone. it really has been getting to me. the fact my back is still killing me which i dont even really bitch about. its like im falling apart. why does shit go wrong, over and over again? why doesnt it just fucking work for a change. something different than always failure. thats why i think why even try. i thought things sucked... but just when i thought that, i lose my ability to run or walk normaly. my body now looks lopsided. i mean it just brings me down lower and lower. i get to spend my birthday on crutches and pain killers on my 21st. great, im supposed to drink but have to be very light because of all the meds. i really shouldnt have drank, but it was my 21st. i cant drive my car up north to show its new color or tint or anything. i cant even fix my car because im crippled. i cant work, im on disability, but i havent gotten any money at all. wow what a great way to celebrate christmas! why not look like a asshole and get big gifts from people and have nothing to show for it. thats just wonderful, im dreading the day. i cant purchase my anti-depressants because i have no money, my mom has no money either so im really fucked. i cant see my pshyc. i cant pay the fee. i cant do anything but really sit in my room and mope around thinking about all this shit. i cant keep busy, theres nothing to do in here. the only real peace of mind is getting out of the house. its like a retarded kid that gets to see a bunch of people, they just look dazed and clap all excited, but it makes there day. im losing my mind slowly. my sheilds ive built around me are begining to crumble. i need something good for a change. i almost never cry but it seems that these past few days have been nothing but that. i cant help it. im worried of the outcome of everything, christmas, court, my fucking life... everything hangs in the balance and i have no idea weither it will be okay or distroyed by this injuries. i almost want to just go to court now. i would make a statement, just one. i can tell you there is nothing you can say that will change anything. this has so far ruined my life. it very well may be a total loss. all i can do is ask everyone please pray for me, i beg you. i cant stop praying. ive never really been that religious but its helped me once before. it might have been a total loss after almost 2 years but i learned so much, i would never change it.

chris