Bummer
This really sucks... I decide to try to do something active since I have a hard time moving around still. What a better idea then to clean up some of my room. I sit there throwing away all kinds of shit when I come accross a letter, one which I never thought I would see again, I thought I'd thrown it away, but no it still remains. Kinda scary that I read up on someones livejournal about her finding something that reminded her of someone she loved and lost. Kinda scary that something came accross me as well. Can't quite say its something of hers but it sure does carry some memories. Just because this is something I can post here I will post the entire letter I wrote to my ex as we were breaking up. This is one thing I wrote that literally predicted her fate and where she stands right now. The letter is perfect condition and posted here with NO modifications. I'll follow up with just about how she went through with everything to compair to the letter.... Here we go:
Dear Jessica,
I figure that you will get this letter one way or another, but as I write this after some serious thought, I have come to the conclution that I am not ready to give up unless otherwise. Let me tell you a little bit of how I am doing. I feel like shit, I am thinking of quitting my job, quitting all that I do. I am done with everything that is comming my way. I first never thought things would get this bad but every time I think this, things only get worse. I sit here and think constantly. Nothing I take gets me to sleep. There is nothing but you. You are the only thing I charish in my life. I don't have anything left and if you get this and at the time or short future after, I will be gone for ever and the only things you will see left is a not, a stone and a lot of people crying. I really hope you open you eyes and think of what I said and what I am writing. I am not you but all I can do is try to get you to understand. I noticed that when you started to go out with your co-workers things started going downhill. I think that Shar is a negitive influence trying to get you out there to drink and get off with Wil. Speaking of Wil, I don't understand the logic behind him. I know that he is not looking for a SERIOUS relationship with a 18 year old firl. I am a guy and I know what he is after, and its not your cooking. I honestly think he is a mistake. Unless you are one to sleep around. Also another thing to think about is that you are leaving in 3 monthsto go to college. Your whole life is ahead of you. I see it going to shit fast with what you are doing. You honestly think he would leave his job and pack his shit to move down with you? He is a horney 25 year old looking for some action. I mean if you never came into my life and changed me and I hit that age and was a lonely scumbag, I would screw a vonerible 18 year old, very much would I if it was you. The weird thing is I bet you would probably start crying if you got sexual with him. You would think of me and remember the LOVE we made. I see him getting you pregnant and ruining your life even more. I have so many thoughts in my head. I can't let you self destruct just because you started to hang out with the wrong crowd again. I think about what we had and what I believe we still could have. This reminds me of when we first met and you were a druggie and your life was shit. Girl you need to make a turn around. I have noticed that you did a 180 behind my back. I noticed you started lying to me again which scares me that much more. You started drinking which reminds me of your father and how he acts. Is your father your new role model? I don't want to see you become a drunk with a kid you didn't want and probably die from drugs, drunking or being depressed. Mark my words, this will not work. You life will suck , never get married. You will rely on drinking, have no money for the drinking habbit and or a kid if you have one. I am ready to lose the battle and give up on all there is, which isn't much anymore. I think you need to stop and think, quit your job, get away from your negitive influences, concentrate on school, get in college, make yourself someone not scum. Do you think it is worth it to throw away your almost 2 year relationship, which I believe can last forever, on drinking and screwing your boss? Speaking of bosses, I thought I was the boss? What happened to my star? Is it an antare? A dying star? What did I do for you to hate me so much? This only started after you started going out with you co-workers to drink. Take a step in my shoes, someone who tells you lie after lie then tells you she likes someone else. Then tells you she slept with hiom but nothing heppened but you were both drunk. If it was me I would have slept in my car. How can I believe you after that? How can I believe anything you tell me? Well you are, wait no you were devoted to me. You started to ignore me. You stopped being intimate with me, what does that point to? You still wont get close to me. If you you get sick like someone has been with you. I can't believe I have lasted as long as I have. I can't believe I am such a fool, I let you slip away. I let me guard down, trying to be okay with you goung out and what happens to me? I guess I had a good reason to be scared. Life sucks, I fall down and get up, but this time I can't. I think I need this. It's a sign. Dust in the wind sounds like its comming fast. I wan't to give you this now but I got to do what I got to do. After tomorrow we will see what happens. I have prayed and will again. I hope you can see the mistake you are making. Well, there goes dinner and I don't know how much more I can take of this shit. All I have been able to think about is you. In my dreams is you and me through life. You need to get away from him and that stupid store. All I can say now is good luck and I hope you do the right thing. Not just throw me away like a cigarette butt into the street to get run over. I am so upset I can't even write. If I lose you I hope for the best, best wishes, and good luck. The poem with this is something I wrote a while back, way back when you first lied to me.
Love You Star,
Christopher Grant Goyra
Jessica, I know there is something I need to say
I know this will not make your day
I don't trust you
I don't trust the things you do
I don't trust the people you see
I don't trust what you mean to me
We've done quite a lot
I still think your fuckin' hot
I know some of what you've done
But its time to get a gun
A gun to commit suicide in pride
To show you how much I loved you the day I died
Now I may have been a little bit suicidal but I don't think I could ever go through with it. Its funny, she ends up leaving me acting like she didn't know what to do. I know this was bullshit. She thought that I would just come running back because of all the shit I wrote. My brother made a good point about one thing she said. Telling me that her comment of "Well I'm not sure of what to do. Give me a week and I'll call you letting you know what I decide." Yes she did say this I'm not making that up at all. I was no fool for that and I knew better than to let her go for a temp state of being split up because people get stupid and fuck around then come back to what there used to. I wouldn't stand for that bullshit.
She got all pissed off because a little talk I had with my boss which I really didn't like did put some light on my situation. He told me about how he did need me at work and was tired of me calling in because of depression issues because his backroom was falling apart, but I need to get over her. There are millions if not billions of women out there for me to choose from. It's not like I will never find someone again. Also after this very good talk I got onto my anti-depressants which I must say changed me big time. I felt kinda like the guy from Office Space in a state of not giving a shit. If things would suck and there is nothing I can do about it thats just the way it's going to be. Well, I may have lost someone I did really love and through all the bullshit I do miss all the good times we shared but I would have never learned from it if we stuck together. All of a sudden she no longer really came around to the coffee shop we always had hang out at which left me a open target. One night I was there during our break up, I couldn't stand it anymore, I lost my mind. I started to cry out of control. I usually never cry due to childhood issues but I never cry in front of anyone in public. I couldn't help it. I was comforted by a very good friend of mine which seemed to be the only one with a brain. She knew exactly what had happened just cause she could see it in me. She came over and gave me a hug and honestly it did make me feel much better. I finally felt like someone did give a shit about how I may feel at any given time. That is something I charish, I can't let things like that go, there in my heart forever. Although, her sister came over and started to probe at me cracking jokes. That was kinda stupid, I felt anger which took much for me to keep in. This is also someone at one point I had a big crush on. Going from that state to the next night after my talk with my boss and seeing the psych, I came back a new man. I had no fears, didn't care about mistakes or failure. I met a girl which now honestly seems to be a worthless bitch at the time was someone very attractive in my mind. Loved all I loved dressed like I could only wish for. Made me feel like chocolate on cake. My stupid ex shows up that night and my only respose was "oh, grrrreat" of course she tries to play things off since there is a girl next to me showing interest. She was probably pissed that I could get over something so big in my life so fast. Does the typical bitch thing thinking it would make me feel bad depressed or whatever it was suposed to do, did nothing but anger me. Trying to make it look like I had a girlfriend still in front of this girl. Sorry bitch didn't work. I continued to ignore her for the rest of that night and comming days, I took this beautiful young lady out for a drive ended up being a great friend for a while. The day I took her out for a drive and came back to the coffee shop to drop her off, my idiot ex was there with this look on her face of disbelief that there was this hot chick in my car where she once sat many times. As I walked up, I couldn't express how happy I was to begin with that I got to hang out with this girl, but things could only get so much better. The fact she got to see us together pissed her off so bad. The fact when I walked up I had the biggest grin on my face. Hello, hello, hello hello everyone but her. So happy, conversational everything. This is one of the highlights of my life. One thing in my family that we love so much is revenge to the fullest. I know this was tearing her up inside. She had to know what was going on. Had to rub shit in my face. She asks me after me ignoring her for so long, "Hey Chris, can I talk to you?" HAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHA. The idiot breaks down. Most people I tell about this give the answer everyone expects of "No." but hey what could it hurt, I would love to hear how shitty things are and gives me the chance to rub in her face how happy I am. So we go for a little walk away from everyone and she explains to me about how she went out with her co-workers, got drunk and went bowling. Well, she ends up going back to her boss's place and they end up sleeping together.... HAHAHAHA, I love this shit. Things always working as planned. Just as I predicted, fucking the boss. All I responded with is "damn, so how was he?" this pissed her off. She was worried because the didn't use protection. Why am I not suprised. I just told her "I'm sorry to hear that." She asked me how I was doing, and of course told her I was great. Things are just wonderful now. She couldn't help but to ask about the girl in my car and of course I had the best time telling her all about her. How much she kicks ass in every way. Well, she moved down south and I moved down not long after. I did end up being her friend for a while which may have been a mistake because she just wanted to get back together with me. Well, since I did get close but I told her no relationship, just hugs and kisses. She lost her mind. Moved back to the bay. Dropped out of college. She went from her ex-bf Paymen being intimate, to me, to her ex boss, to a one nighter, to her present Billy. Who knows now how big she is making this list maybe its the same doubled or trippled. Anyway, not to be a total asshole but, I TOLD YOU SO! I also caught news that she was trying "Coke" which yes I'm talking about the drug. Last time I called her to see how she was doing, she had little to say and was giggling a little bit. Probably high at the time but thats her loss. I was willing to be a friend like I always said I would be but I don't see myself wasting anymore time on this lost cause. I don't expect everyone to listen to me about everything but man, I tell everyone I don't argue a point unless I know I'm right. I knew everything that was going to happen. Almost like Ms. Cleo but I'm no fake. Best wishes to her anyway, I don't think that people deserve bad shit all the time because karma will even everything out. Which in this case it seems to on her part. Everything in my letter came true except maybe the pregnacy, but about that there was a scare of being pregnant missing her period for like 3 months. Luckly she wasnt. I had to be there for her on that one. I still did, and do care but man, payback comes with fucking me over. I have yet to find "The One" or even someone to fill in my time and let me be happy again, but I feel there will be a time for that again, don't know who or when. Feel free to post any comments :)
Chris
Depressed bad day, everythings wrong but in some ways this can make me happy.
Dear Jessica,
I figure that you will get this letter one way or another, but as I write this after some serious thought, I have come to the conclution that I am not ready to give up unless otherwise. Let me tell you a little bit of how I am doing. I feel like shit, I am thinking of quitting my job, quitting all that I do. I am done with everything that is comming my way. I first never thought things would get this bad but every time I think this, things only get worse. I sit here and think constantly. Nothing I take gets me to sleep. There is nothing but you. You are the only thing I charish in my life. I don't have anything left and if you get this and at the time or short future after, I will be gone for ever and the only things you will see left is a not, a stone and a lot of people crying. I really hope you open you eyes and think of what I said and what I am writing. I am not you but all I can do is try to get you to understand. I noticed that when you started to go out with your co-workers things started going downhill. I think that Shar is a negitive influence trying to get you out there to drink and get off with Wil. Speaking of Wil, I don't understand the logic behind him. I know that he is not looking for a SERIOUS relationship with a 18 year old firl. I am a guy and I know what he is after, and its not your cooking. I honestly think he is a mistake. Unless you are one to sleep around. Also another thing to think about is that you are leaving in 3 monthsto go to college. Your whole life is ahead of you. I see it going to shit fast with what you are doing. You honestly think he would leave his job and pack his shit to move down with you? He is a horney 25 year old looking for some action. I mean if you never came into my life and changed me and I hit that age and was a lonely scumbag, I would screw a vonerible 18 year old, very much would I if it was you. The weird thing is I bet you would probably start crying if you got sexual with him. You would think of me and remember the LOVE we made. I see him getting you pregnant and ruining your life even more. I have so many thoughts in my head. I can't let you self destruct just because you started to hang out with the wrong crowd again. I think about what we had and what I believe we still could have. This reminds me of when we first met and you were a druggie and your life was shit. Girl you need to make a turn around. I have noticed that you did a 180 behind my back. I noticed you started lying to me again which scares me that much more. You started drinking which reminds me of your father and how he acts. Is your father your new role model? I don't want to see you become a drunk with a kid you didn't want and probably die from drugs, drunking or being depressed. Mark my words, this will not work. You life will suck , never get married. You will rely on drinking, have no money for the drinking habbit and or a kid if you have one. I am ready to lose the battle and give up on all there is, which isn't much anymore. I think you need to stop and think, quit your job, get away from your negitive influences, concentrate on school, get in college, make yourself someone not scum. Do you think it is worth it to throw away your almost 2 year relationship, which I believe can last forever, on drinking and screwing your boss? Speaking of bosses, I thought I was the boss? What happened to my star? Is it an antare? A dying star? What did I do for you to hate me so much? This only started after you started going out with you co-workers to drink. Take a step in my shoes, someone who tells you lie after lie then tells you she likes someone else. Then tells you she slept with hiom but nothing heppened but you were both drunk. If it was me I would have slept in my car. How can I believe you after that? How can I believe anything you tell me? Well you are, wait no you were devoted to me. You started to ignore me. You stopped being intimate with me, what does that point to? You still wont get close to me. If you you get sick like someone has been with you. I can't believe I have lasted as long as I have. I can't believe I am such a fool, I let you slip away. I let me guard down, trying to be okay with you goung out and what happens to me? I guess I had a good reason to be scared. Life sucks, I fall down and get up, but this time I can't. I think I need this. It's a sign. Dust in the wind sounds like its comming fast. I wan't to give you this now but I got to do what I got to do. After tomorrow we will see what happens. I have prayed and will again. I hope you can see the mistake you are making. Well, there goes dinner and I don't know how much more I can take of this shit. All I have been able to think about is you. In my dreams is you and me through life. You need to get away from him and that stupid store. All I can say now is good luck and I hope you do the right thing. Not just throw me away like a cigarette butt into the street to get run over. I am so upset I can't even write. If I lose you I hope for the best, best wishes, and good luck. The poem with this is something I wrote a while back, way back when you first lied to me.
Love You Star,
Christopher Grant Goyra
Jessica, I know there is something I need to say
I know this will not make your day
I don't trust you
I don't trust the things you do
I don't trust the people you see
I don't trust what you mean to me
We've done quite a lot
I still think your fuckin' hot
I know some of what you've done
But its time to get a gun
A gun to commit suicide in pride
To show you how much I loved you the day I died
Now I may have been a little bit suicidal but I don't think I could ever go through with it. Its funny, she ends up leaving me acting like she didn't know what to do. I know this was bullshit. She thought that I would just come running back because of all the shit I wrote. My brother made a good point about one thing she said. Telling me that her comment of "Well I'm not sure of what to do. Give me a week and I'll call you letting you know what I decide." Yes she did say this I'm not making that up at all. I was no fool for that and I knew better than to let her go for a temp state of being split up because people get stupid and fuck around then come back to what there used to. I wouldn't stand for that bullshit.
She got all pissed off because a little talk I had with my boss which I really didn't like did put some light on my situation. He told me about how he did need me at work and was tired of me calling in because of depression issues because his backroom was falling apart, but I need to get over her. There are millions if not billions of women out there for me to choose from. It's not like I will never find someone again. Also after this very good talk I got onto my anti-depressants which I must say changed me big time. I felt kinda like the guy from Office Space in a state of not giving a shit. If things would suck and there is nothing I can do about it thats just the way it's going to be. Well, I may have lost someone I did really love and through all the bullshit I do miss all the good times we shared but I would have never learned from it if we stuck together. All of a sudden she no longer really came around to the coffee shop we always had hang out at which left me a open target. One night I was there during our break up, I couldn't stand it anymore, I lost my mind. I started to cry out of control. I usually never cry due to childhood issues but I never cry in front of anyone in public. I couldn't help it. I was comforted by a very good friend of mine which seemed to be the only one with a brain. She knew exactly what had happened just cause she could see it in me. She came over and gave me a hug and honestly it did make me feel much better. I finally felt like someone did give a shit about how I may feel at any given time. That is something I charish, I can't let things like that go, there in my heart forever. Although, her sister came over and started to probe at me cracking jokes. That was kinda stupid, I felt anger which took much for me to keep in. This is also someone at one point I had a big crush on. Going from that state to the next night after my talk with my boss and seeing the psych, I came back a new man. I had no fears, didn't care about mistakes or failure. I met a girl which now honestly seems to be a worthless bitch at the time was someone very attractive in my mind. Loved all I loved dressed like I could only wish for. Made me feel like chocolate on cake. My stupid ex shows up that night and my only respose was "oh, grrrreat" of course she tries to play things off since there is a girl next to me showing interest. She was probably pissed that I could get over something so big in my life so fast. Does the typical bitch thing thinking it would make me feel bad depressed or whatever it was suposed to do, did nothing but anger me. Trying to make it look like I had a girlfriend still in front of this girl. Sorry bitch didn't work. I continued to ignore her for the rest of that night and comming days, I took this beautiful young lady out for a drive ended up being a great friend for a while. The day I took her out for a drive and came back to the coffee shop to drop her off, my idiot ex was there with this look on her face of disbelief that there was this hot chick in my car where she once sat many times. As I walked up, I couldn't express how happy I was to begin with that I got to hang out with this girl, but things could only get so much better. The fact she got to see us together pissed her off so bad. The fact when I walked up I had the biggest grin on my face. Hello, hello, hello hello everyone but her. So happy, conversational everything. This is one of the highlights of my life. One thing in my family that we love so much is revenge to the fullest. I know this was tearing her up inside. She had to know what was going on. Had to rub shit in my face. She asks me after me ignoring her for so long, "Hey Chris, can I talk to you?" HAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHA. The idiot breaks down. Most people I tell about this give the answer everyone expects of "No." but hey what could it hurt, I would love to hear how shitty things are and gives me the chance to rub in her face how happy I am. So we go for a little walk away from everyone and she explains to me about how she went out with her co-workers, got drunk and went bowling. Well, she ends up going back to her boss's place and they end up sleeping together.... HAHAHAHA, I love this shit. Things always working as planned. Just as I predicted, fucking the boss. All I responded with is "damn, so how was he?" this pissed her off. She was worried because the didn't use protection. Why am I not suprised. I just told her "I'm sorry to hear that." She asked me how I was doing, and of course told her I was great. Things are just wonderful now. She couldn't help but to ask about the girl in my car and of course I had the best time telling her all about her. How much she kicks ass in every way. Well, she moved down south and I moved down not long after. I did end up being her friend for a while which may have been a mistake because she just wanted to get back together with me. Well, since I did get close but I told her no relationship, just hugs and kisses. She lost her mind. Moved back to the bay. Dropped out of college. She went from her ex-bf Paymen being intimate, to me, to her ex boss, to a one nighter, to her present Billy. Who knows now how big she is making this list maybe its the same doubled or trippled. Anyway, not to be a total asshole but, I TOLD YOU SO! I also caught news that she was trying "Coke" which yes I'm talking about the drug. Last time I called her to see how she was doing, she had little to say and was giggling a little bit. Probably high at the time but thats her loss. I was willing to be a friend like I always said I would be but I don't see myself wasting anymore time on this lost cause. I don't expect everyone to listen to me about everything but man, I tell everyone I don't argue a point unless I know I'm right. I knew everything that was going to happen. Almost like Ms. Cleo but I'm no fake. Best wishes to her anyway, I don't think that people deserve bad shit all the time because karma will even everything out. Which in this case it seems to on her part. Everything in my letter came true except maybe the pregnacy, but about that there was a scare of being pregnant missing her period for like 3 months. Luckly she wasnt. I had to be there for her on that one. I still did, and do care but man, payback comes with fucking me over. I have yet to find "The One" or even someone to fill in my time and let me be happy again, but I feel there will be a time for that again, don't know who or when. Feel free to post any comments :)
Chris
Depressed bad day, everythings wrong but in some ways this can make me happy.