ミツル ２５・ヒミツ １１０： And this is where we separate ways.
Tegoshi at the end of his 2-hour long press conference yesterday
I don’t think I really have the right to talk about it, considering that for these past two years I have been putting NEWS in the background and have not made them a priority nor a driving motivation compared to my early years in the fandom i.e. 2011. Also I have branched off to other interests which may have weakened my attachment to them, but I would like to think that through this “self-detachment”, I could actually have an objective perception of things and not be too blinded by emotions. Either way though, I feel the need to talk this one out, mainly because this issue is affecting me on personal, social, and mental levels, despite not having been emotionally invested in them recently.
I have this to say though: if you plan to know which stand I am really on, you should probably be ready to read this entire entry. My stance is not black and white: it is just a shade of gray, and I can't even tell you how light or dark it is. From my last entry you should be able to know how much I feel about Tegoshi as an artist, but in this one you will know how I feel about Tegoshi as a person. So this can be a semi-rant, but I will definitely try hard to express what I feel as rationally and objectively as possible, after watching his press conference last night, and based on people's translations (since there's Japanese legal jargon and stuff).
HOW I HAVE BEEN SEEING TEGOSHI UP TO THIS POINT SO FAR
In my early fandom years I had thought that Tegoshi was part of the wallpaper along 3nin, hence me fully sympathizing when Shige mentioned that bit about them being the “shortcake without the strawberries”. Sure, he had Tegomasu with Massu, but this entire time I had thought that it was just this side group that is not entirely as popular as NEWS is, even though everyone had admitted they’re one of J&A’s best singers, even though they had held concerts of their own. Also, Massu had kept reiterating that he loves NEWS unconditionally and that he is primarily a NEWS member first before a Tegomasu member, and probably because of that, I had assumed Tegoshi felt the same way, and hence why I didn’t feel offended when they decided to do their own rendition of Sakura Girl during Tegomasu no Seishun, because I thought it was a given that they both treasure NEWS first and foremost.
After Chankapaana was released, I gradually realized that Tegoshi was very slowly coming out of his shell, after having been overshadowed by RyoPi as the dominant faces all this time, and is starting to secure his place as NEWS’ shadow leader, main vocalist, and probably its most prominent public face. Truth be told, the change in personality that came with this newfound responsibility bothered me a bit. Yes I loved Tegoshi in ItteQ who tried to play to his strengths and bring us smiles even if it meant making a fool out of himself; I loved him conquering shit and putting Miyagawa to shame sometimes (lol); I loved him when he shows his human side and gets all serious and humbled when things do not go according to plan - in short, I love him when he does not go overboard with his antics and force himself to do all these koneko-chan and Tei! stuff. You can probably see the difference in that one ItteQ episode when the staff followed him to Spain where he was the main anchor of this soccer program, and boy did that episode highlight the two drastic sides of Tegoshi - one I genuinely liked, and one I recoiled from. And judging from my personality, if we are truly friends, I guess you can distinguish which one is which.
But of course we are all human and we are all multifaceted, so I had to bear with this whole new other overconfident personality of his. Not that I am complaining, because it certainly got NEWS more work, and I am very grateful for that. Those soccer songs? It has to be because of Tegoshi, we all can't argue with that. I am not so sure about the brassiere ones, but oh well…
And of course the overconfidence was starting to show in the songs he sang as well. We already know he has one of the best vocal registers in the company, and probably one of the best techniques, but when you’ve got Massu and Ohno and Nino (and let's face it, all the other singers we know) as comparison… I just couldn’t help but ask why he couldn’t rein it in. You can probably see now why I absolutely love NEWS’ softer songs like Madoromi and Ribbon, and to a certain degree become inclined to listen to Tegomasu’s ballads, because he absolutely has to harmonize with Massu and he can’t really push his partner over the edge and lose the balance in their songs. He still showcases his amazing vibrato at times in TM, but does not overdo nor overkill it, and is careful enough to treat each note as it is. (It’s such a shame their overall music style is not really to my liking, but I still like them, nonetheless. Please don't misunderstand.)
Despite these pet peeves I have of him, I do recognize that Tegoshi has a kind heart and will do everything for someone or something he treasures, and that he can be very honest and vocal about these passions. Him going on Songs of Tokyo. Coming here to Hiroshima to volunteer during the floods over two years ago. His filial piety. What he has been doing for the single moms recently. There could be more, just behind the scenes, where nobody has seen them. That's why I still have faith in him, that regardless of how more popular than Massu, Keichan and Shige he ends up becoming, he will always stay innately humble, and will stay with them in this journey together. There is that nagging thought at the back of our minds that he will eventually do another Yamapi (as evidenced in one of those 24hr tv promotions), but I pushed it away, and simply resorted to believing he wouldn't, because he knows firsthand how it felt back then.
I guess we were wrong (yet also right, I guess).
TEGOSHI'S DECISION TO LEAVE NEWS
I was thrilled with the entire idea of NEWS's conceptual albums as 4nin. I adored them so much, but when I heard about Epcotia and the N-E-W-S series, I couldn't help but think what would happen when S was over. To be honest, I was really expecting either one of two things: that it was time for NEWS to take a back seat and give Tegomasu a chance, or for them to actually disband. I saw the series as a measuring test from J&A on their success and whether they can actually keep the momentum up, compared to their contemporaries, and probably even compared to their previous members. I mean, they had to literally beg the higher ups in order to let them keep NEWS as 4 instead of being disbanded right after Ryopi left. There has to be a condition for them to let them keep the group alive, I thought.
But as we did see through the years, Tegoshi ended up becoming 4nin's precious "strawberry". In my years here in Japan, having traveled a lot due to my previous eikaiwa work (going as far as Yakushima in Kagoshima and Sado Island in Niigata), no matter who I talked to, when I mention NEWS, no one bats an eye; but when I mention Tegoshi, everyone's face would light up in recognition. When I ask about newscasters, everyone knows Sho, but never Keichan. Same with Shige in terms of writers. Even more when it comes to Massu - that song about how he's the only one in NEWS without a character is so on point, it hurts so much. In light of recent events, Keichan and Massu may have switched places in terms of exposure now - but it's undeniable that Tegoshi is definitely the face of the group.
Due to his honest and vocal nature, we knew even early back then that he had things he wanted to do. The suspicion about him wanting to follow suit in the wake of Johnnys leaving is still nagging me at the back of my mind, but I chose to trust him - wasn't he the one who pushed for them to have all those soccer songs and having more media exposure? Promotions on ItteQ? Talking about NEWS whenever he gets the chance to?
So hearing yesterday that he was, indeed, thinking of leaving the group after Story, I couldn't help but kick myself mentally over and over. I knew it, I just knew it. I knew that along the way, he must have realized that he couldn't stay on this path forever, but he still loved the group enough to think of leaving at an "appropriate" timing (referring to post-Story, and not this month).
But I guess that was just me being naive.
THE START OF THE FIASCO
So 2020 happened and we have this shitty global Coronavirus pandemic that literally brought the world to its knees.
What was supposed to be an annual joyful spring for me - that lovely span of months in between March and June where I would be travelling all over (Nishi) Japan for NEWS concerts, Golden Week, and recently stage plays - got literally ruined as all the events got cancelled left and right. I couldn't go to Arashi Exhibition, Haisute's Strongest Challenger, Herosute's Honmono no Hero, my friend's wedding, and of course, NEWS' Story.
What's basically killing me about Japan's management of the coronavirus issue is that it only relies on people's self-discipline to exercise restraint in going out, social distancing and all that, but never lockdowns nor quarantines. It could have been handled better than just a state of emergency - no, it SHOULD have been better, to the point that prefectural governors had to step up in order to protect their boundaries. People in the industry also have fallen victim to the virus, including Shimura Ken. Given that Shimura Ken was one of the big names in the industry, you'd think that Japanese people would take this virus seriously, and would really restrain themselves from going out unnecessarily. J&A of course is promoting the Stay at Home campaign in order to help with this aim.
But as we all knew, Tegoshi broke protocol. Valid or not, this fact remains. He, who was supposed to be promoting this cause along with everyone, went against it. This cost him not only NEWS's participation in the WYH campaign, but the succeeding incidents cost him his participation in the charity song, the live, and ultimately and prematurely, his path with NEWS. I've seen so many people yelling "why are you bringing up the hanami incident?!" yesterday, and I can tell you this - it's because that hanami incident was the start of the entire thing. We never had clear answers to it - just a freaking picture, and nothing else. I was glad that was addressed and we got some answers on that.
Now I know that at this point, people would be like "it's impossible to actually observe self-restraint in Tokyo" and that people are affected, they can't do remote work and stuff, they need to actually go to work or else they will starve since they also have necessities and bills to pay. We are all in different unfortunate circumstances given our locations, our countries, the nature of our jobs, our employers, our financial status - the point is, we try to deal with our situations the best we can. I have been very fortunate that my dispatch had negotiated with BOEs, came up with justifiable conditions, and moved our work days to summer break so that we could still get a full salary on payday. My dad back home is on a no-work-no-pay basis, and with the type of job he has and the quarantine in place, he's finding it very difficult to stay put because he still feels a responsiblity to provide not only for our family (take note, we're all grown up; I am the only child who isn't married) but also for HIS original nuclear family (my grandma, his siblings and their respective children who are, for some fuckinig reason, still dependent on him as their breadwinner). I've been yelling at him almost every two days to stop sneaking out and trying to either get to work or open our dry store, because he literally can't stay still without nothing to do, without earning anything. This is exactly reason number 1 why I felt so upset and frustrated at Tegoshi for breaking the rules - I know that all our lives have come to a stand still and we are uncertain of our immediate futures and finances, but there are smarter ways to go around it if you really need to (because by then, it would be deemed necessary).
The second reason why I am upset is because I now know so many people who are responsible and obedient enough to actually stay at home, as evidenced by their SNS videos. Looking at all of these 2.5d stage play actors who had their entire events cancelled / postponed, with even more uncertainty as to when or what their next event is - I am upset because stage play actors rely on these events in order to survive, and compared to Johnny's and even to NEWS, they are trying to best to make it out there and make a name of their own, hoping that they make it big somehow without having to worry about where their next meal is going to come from. I felt so sorry for them that I had to support them in any way I could (buying their DMM streams, play merchandise, etc). Of course, I did the same for NEWS as well the moment their merchandise came out, and held on to my Story tickets, hoping they would reschedule the concert. Bottom line is, how do these stage play actors, who are lesser known and lesser in finances than Tegoshi, actually making the best out of this situation with more common sense?
While I understand that at some point online meetings wouldn't suffice, how in the world were the kyabakura venue and the accompanying girls relevant? Did this all happen before SK reported its second surge had stemmed from nightclubs? Just how many people had been invited? How much "social distancing" was observed? We will never know.
HOW IT WAS HANDLED
This is where everything gets really confusing, because .... apparently, despite their Stay Home campaign, J&A gave Tegoshi approval for these meetings. Girls and inappropriate choice of venue aside, he was given approval to conduct these meetings. Unfortunately for him, Bunshun had sniffed him out and this just made everything worse.
What I found really dodgy and suspicious is why the bloody hell they just straight up told him they're taking legal matters by bringing in a lawyer, prompting Tegoshi to bring his own. How in the world.......? Did Tegoshi somehow break his contract or a clause by not abiding with the campaign? Or was it because of the business talks? Or, as everyone else initially suspected, he did these on purpose to speed up his contract expiration in order for him to get out with minimum repercussions?
Or was it all a deceptive ruse from the company, knowing what kind of person he is, and they had predicted this kind of outcome and seen it as a efficient way to get rid of him? How was he not able to talk to Takki and Julie (?) if they're the head of the company and are supposed to be the representatives as core management? Did they just see the papers and deem their underlings are sufficient to do the job?
Why were the members not allowed to speak to him (even in the presence of all these lawyers)? Just how much red tape is in this management?!
We don't get the details of course, because that is already outside our boundaries and only the people involved know what the truth is. Regardless, the way this entire shit was handled is just .... infuriating.
FROM THIS MOMENT ON
All has been said and done, and as premature as it is, we now have a Tegoshi who has broken free and is now starting to chase his dreams, whatever they may be on SNS.
This has what he had been wanting for since 3-5 years ago he said, so I fully hope he gets to make the most out of it and does not let it hinder him. Everything he had wanted to do for NEWS - more public events, public appearances, he has all the chances at the palm of his hand.
Except he can't do them for NEWS anymore, but only for himself.
In an alternate timeline, I really wish he was able to say goodbye to everyone properly like Arashi did. An announcement, then a presscon, where the sweet words he spoke today would really come into play, and then all of us properly and tearfully saying goodbye during the lives, especially this weekend.
Forgive me, everyone. I want to be truly happy for him. I really do. I've seen him in his depressed stages (those Hiroshima and Tokyo shows for Neverland will forever be on my mind) and I really want the best for him, and I don't want to take that away from him by being selfish and demand that he return to NEWS. I'd rather have him free and alive like this, than to be chained to everyone, wasting his time away, and probably meeting the same fate as those who could no longer take the burden.
I like him, but I love NEWS more. I love Massu who is more passionate about their songs than anyone else. I love Shige who is eternally trying to make a niche of himself in the literary world, trying to make people see that being an idol does not mean forever singing and dancing. I love Keichan who is kind enough to reach out to him and everyone else, while still being shackled by the consequences of his scandal several years ago. My heart breaks for these three who are left behind - they who said before that they might consider disbanding if even one more member leaves, but even now are still choosing to stay. And the thought of them having to start anew without their "strawberry" is excruciating, because we don't know what kind of things are in store for the three of them, especially with a management like this who never cares enough.
For this reason, I've decided I'm staying with 3nin NEWS regardless of what happens to them. As for Tegoshi, I wish him all the success and happiness in the world, and that he can finally do whatever his heart pleases.
But in all due honesty, and I truly apologize, reading all of your tweets and reactions to him is making me depressed, on the verge of bitterness and a bit of anger.
I've said it before and I'm saying it again - anyone who makes the majority of NEWS cry, I cannot find myself in my heart to completely forgive them. I understand the reason, but I cannot accept it. For now.
But the years and memories we've spent talking to each other on Twitter and Livejournal, and even meeting up during concerts ..... I also cannot throw them away just like this. So here goes.
SNS DECISION
I will be muting all words relating to Tegoshi and his works, and for now I've even resorted to blocking his account because he keeps on appearing in my feed as QRTs (I don't follow him).
I will be muting anyone who will be commenting a lot about him and his activities.
You are free to block or unfollow me as you see fit. I will try my best not to let go of poisonous comments regarding him, but just in case. Please, you don't have to inform me explicitly you have blocked, muted or unfollowed me. I will figure it out.
If any positive news about Tegoshi pops up that you feel essential in me changing my mind about him, please feel free to mention me. I would welcome that.
But for now the pain is still fresh and I still cannot bear seeing an abundance of his existence on my feed. I am truly, deeply sorry.
Please let me heal, and one day, in due time, I hope I can find myself the strength to finally forgive and forget everything.