Love Undefined
Title: Love Undefined
Rating: NC-17, not at the beginning, but it gets there
Pairing: Lily and Ville, Lily and Bam
Genre: Drama/Romance
Disclaimer: I own Lily as she is a fictional character I created. As for everyone else, don't know and don't own. And I'm sure this never really happened.
Chapter 1,2
Chapter 3,4
Chapter 5
Chapter 6
Chapter 7
Chapter 8
Chapter 9
Chapter 10
Chapter 11
Chapter 12
A soft breeze came through the driver’s side window as I stretched my legs out as far as they can stretch without touching the pedals. Chewing on my bottom lip I took note of the dwindling stream of people still making their way into the church and a chill whipped across my skin as I sank farther under the weight of my memories from that cold afternoon - every taste, smell and sound of that day permanently etched in my brain. It wasn’t like in the movies, when people walk into situations like this and everything goes quiet while they all try to figure out what to say and how to deal with the situation in a civilized manner. No. Not in this scenario. Not in my life. In Fact the screaming began before I even found something to clean my face with. I cringed inwardly as I drifted into the memories of the day I found my self physically in the middle of a screaming match between a high strung skateboarder and an angry rock star.
“What the fuck are you doing Lily?” Bam made his way over to us as Ville zipped himself up. I had already shifted my gaze down to the carpet, hoping against all hopes that this was merely a bad dream, my worst nightmare, but my hopes fell on deaf ears. His feet came into view and even without looking I knew that he was looking down on me in all my debauched glory. “I thought you loved me.” His words soft and steady as I studied the floor praying it would open up and swallow me. "I’m fucking talking to you!” A rage in his voice I had never heard before as he grabbed my arm, yanking me to my feet. “Fucking look at me!” A whimper escaped me as those once gentle fingers wrenched down on my flesh so hard I could feel the bruises forming already.
“You’re hurting.”
“You wanna talk about hurting. . .”
“Leave her alone Bam!” that voice which I had known to be both stern and lust filled and on occasion even soft was now rough with a deep, angry edge that made his accent seem thicker.
“You should be the one leaving her alone, not face fucking her!”
“This is all my fault Bam,” my eyes shot up to Ville’s, studying him as he stared at Bam, “Now let her go.” wrapping long fingers around my arm just below Bam’s hand and pulling me out of his hold before gently pushing me out from between them.
“You’re fault?” a laugh coating Bam’s raised voice.
“Lets sit down and work this out like men.” Ville’s voice steady which only seemed to increase the laughter coming from Bam. Picking up a grey Black Sabbath shirt I found on the floor I was finally able to clean the cooling substance off my cheek.
“What? You put a gun to her head and crammed your cock in her mouth?” To my surprise this only elicited a small laugh from Ville.
“Just what the fuck are you doing in my room any ways?”
“You’re fucking my girlfriend and you wanna know why I’m in your room?”
“Yes!” all composure seemed to leave Ville’s form “How the fuck did you get in here you miserable cunt?!”
“I’m friends with the girl at the front desk.” The sound of flesh hitting flesh brought my attention to them just in time to watch that normally graceful frame fall to the floor and a sadistic smile form on Bam’s face. A gasp inadvertently escaped me as Ville tried to crack his jaw back into place and Bam’s eyes once again met mine.
“Feel better?” Ville inquired, gingerly rubbing his cheek as he found his feet just in time for Bam to make another swing, this time landing against the exposed skin of his stomach, knocking the wind out of him with a loud gasp. Horrified, that was the only way to explain how I felt as I watched Ville double over and begin wheezing heavily; but still my gaze was drawn to those azure eyes which felt as though they might burn right through me. Blood pumping hard and fast through my veins as he side stepped the crumpled man before him and strode the short distance to me. I could feel my lips begin to tremble with an irrational fear as he came close enough for me to feel the heat radiating off his body - close enough for him to trap me against the window sill. It felt as though time slowed to a near stop as the sound of rough deep breaths filled my ears. A smirk came to his lips when the raising of his hand caused me to flinch, his movements ending with a soft tap against my freshly cleaned cheek before resting his palm there, drawing soft lines under my eye.
“You ruined everything.” tears that argued against the rage in his eyes slipped over those pink cheeks.
“Bam. . .”
“Could I even slap any sense into you?” his hand pulled back and I braced for the impact.
“Damn it Bam!” grabbing Bam’s hand mid swing and twisting his arm around behind his back. “Leave her the fuck alone.” Ville hissed as he turned them both, pushing Bam in the direction of the door.
“You’re the one who should have left her alone!”
“Get the fuck out!” I turned to look out the window just as the room echoed with the sickening sound of Bam’s nose breaking.
“You can have the whore.” the door knob clicked as it turned and the door opened, “I’ll send her shit over.” The door slammed sending a chilling silence across the room. It was over. I had lost him and it was all my own doing; this was the thought that broke my heart as heavy eyelids slipped closed and my eyes began to flood. But the heart knows no reason, and just as quickly as it had broke, the shattered pieces jumped ever so slightly as two arms slipped around my waist.
“Lily?” whispering as his chin came to rest on my shoulder and I let myself sink back into his embrace allowing a sense of comfort to overwhelm me. There was a safety in those tattooed arms that I had never felt before -- had it always been there or was this something new for both of us? But as safe as I may have felt as he pulled me against him with those large hands flat against my stomach, the more tears I felt slipping down my cheeks. “I never meant to hurt you.” Warm breath tickling my skin as he nuzzled into the crook of my neck.
“I did this to myself Ville.”
“No. . .”
“I could have stopped,” my breath hitching as I once again saw the rage in Bam’s eyes flash through my mind, “could have asked you to stop.”
“But you didn’t want me to stop, did you?” His words soft and hesitant almost as if he was afraid of what my answer might me. And try as I might, the words to respond simply couldn’t be pried out of me as if my body and voice were frozen in place. My mind screamed that I didn’t want him to stop, but it felt as though the rest of me was still in denial. “I can stop now if that’s what you want.” his grip loosened, hands trailed off my stomach and the weight of his chin left my shoulder, but before he could completely drop me into the abyss of my own confusion I grasped his hands, pulling them tight around me again.
“Please,” my voice trembling at the thought of loosing everything in one day, “please don’t stop, not now.” fingers digging into soft skin as if to show him how desperate this situation really was for me.
“Ok sweetheart,” squeezing me tight against his warm flesh, “I won’t stop until you tell me to.” Turning in his arms I saw for the first time the bruise that was forming on his cheek, but more confusing to me was that look I saw in his eyes. It was that same look I had seen that day in my apartment. It was a look of desperate hope, the look of a person who wants something but refuses to wish for it for fear of being hurt.
“I hurt you.” my fingertips gently brushing the edge of his bruise.
“No Lily.” leaning his cheek into my touch and trying to subdue a pained grimace. “I’m not hurt at all.”
We stayed wrapped in each other’s embrace for the better part of that day - I never got to the shower as I had intended when the day began and he never finished getting dressed, but it didn’t matter. The day passed mostly in silence, my mind lost in a mixture of emotions, ranging from anger at myself to elation that I no longer had to lie to Bam. The image of his soft features distorted with rage as his hand swung back never left me and I found myself dwelling on the question of whether or not he had really intended on striking me. Ville buried himself in that book bound in orange leather for most of the day, stopping to read sections aloud that he found interesting and on occasion to ask if I needed anything. As the afternoon drifted into evening I found myself watching him read, the way the tips of his fingers moved against the grain of the leather when he read something that made him smile, the way his forehead creased and eyes slowed when he read something that apparently didn’t make sense. It was strange to see him this way - content. In our brief time together it seemed that I had grown accustom to the constant conflict between us and that rough passion that he always seemed to possess; but on that day I saw for the first time the comfortable side of him that no longer relied on his overt sexual bravado. It was a side I didn’t expect, a side that only confused me further.
Late that evening room service delivered us dinner just as the concierge was delivering my luggage which Bam had sent over in a taxi. After a quick and silent meal I retreated to the bedroom, excusing myself to make sure everything was in my luggage. Sometime later Ville wondered in, furrowing his brow when he found me sitting next to an open suitcase filled with shredded clothes.
“That was childish.” The irritation thick in his voice as he took a good look at the mess that had once been my clothes.
“I deserve it.” my hand trailing through the now useless pile of cloth as I felt the bed shift next to me under Ville’s weight.
“We’ll go out tomorrow and get you something new.” he brushed my hair back behind my ear as I turned to face him.
“I don’t want anything new.” the ambiguity of my statement reflecting in his quizzical gaze as I pressed my lips to his in a brief kiss.
“Lay with me?” A silent nod was his answer and before I knew it we had made our way under the covers.
“We’ll figure this all out tomorrow Lily.” he assured me, fingers trailing through my hair as I curled into his chest and drifted to sleep.
I woke some time later, Ville sleeping soundly next to me and the sun still hours from rising. Without disturbing his sleep I carefully untangled myself from his embrace and quickly gathered the only pair of clothes I had left which I had worn out to the bars the previous evening. I dressed, splashed some water on my face and made sure all my pertinent documents were in my purse. It was when I was half way out the door that a wave of guilt crashed over me. I headed back to the writing desk in the front room where I found a piece of hotel stationary.
Ville,
I’ve made a mess of things and I’m sorry. I don’t think I can face you or any of this in the morning, so I’m heading home now. I hope you understand.
Love,
Lily
Spotting the book still resting on the couch and knowing he was going to read more of it, I removed the scrap of paper he used for a bookmark and replaced it with my simple note. Closing the book I let a brief grin slip over my face as I finally read the title, Burning in Water and Drowning in Flame. How appropriate I thought to myself as I slipped out the door.