Secret Love (1/? - BAP multi-shot)
Title: Secret Love (1/?)
Author: himawarixxsandz
Rating: PG-13
Pairing(s): BangHim, one-sided!HimUp
Summary: It's not a secret if it's not love
A/N: welp here's to another gianormous ass banghim fic since I can never seem to shut up when it comes to them and I blame them entirely because they actually ship themselves oMFG. this fic is basically my take on everything banghim. like everything. it's gonna end up to power promotions. you'll see what i mean.
Part 1 // Part 2
They’re best friends.
Before either of them get to stand on a big stage-a stage facing hundreds of eyes that are there only for them, hundreds of voices screaming in unison just to hear their music, a stage that they share with four others-they stand together, just the two of them, on a smaller stage. They stand there together, and Himchan gets to feel like maybe he can actually do this-like maybe he can debut and there won’t be thousands of people who call him worthless (the way some do at the company).
It’s easy to feel like he’s talented, like he can do this, like he can go through with this, like he shouldn’t just quit and give up and go back to the path he was on before (the path that he’ll always love-but the one that he’s decided to give up for this one)-it’s always so easy to feel all of this when he’s with Yongguk.
After the performance is over, they’ll stumble behind stage, drunk from the adrenaline, and Yongguk’s arm is always heavy and familiar when it slings around Himchan’s neck. Yongguk’s waist is always secure and warm for Himchan to wrap his arm around in turn. The crowd continues to cheer long after they’ve left the stage, and that brings laughter out from both of them as they hop lightly out from the back of the building, onto the streets.
“Fuck,” is the first thing out of Yongguk’s mouth once they’re safely out of the chaos that is backstage (rushing to get the next rapper crew out on stage, rushing to get the mics where they need to be, rushing to get the right audio playing). “I’m hungry.”
“Fuck,” Himchan mimics, playing right up against Yongguk, hands shoving at the other man’s shoulders. “No one cares.”
Yongguk fists the edge of Himchan’s sweatshirt, yanking him towards a turn at the end of the block. “C’mon, asshole,” he says, pulling Himchan towards the little restaurant they frequent, “we’re eating.”
Himchan grins, and slaps Yongguk’s arm lightly, tearing out of the other man’s grip and running ahead of Yongguk into the restaurant.
They always come here after their performances, sometimes after a long day of training when they’re let out a little bit earlier than usual. The food is good and cheap-the latter description being far more important than the former since, as trainees, they really have to scrape by with the minimal whenever they get the chance to eat out. And the ahjumma who runs the place likes them-chats with them a lot, knows them by name now, and sometimes gives them free food when she knows they’re particularly tired.
“You two are out late,” she says, sliding them their drinks while the food is being cooked in the back.
Yongguk grins up at her as Himchan gulps down half his drink in one go (it was hot onstage, and he’s thirsty and sweating). “Performance,” he says. “We’re going straight back to the company though after this.”
“I wanted to go back right away,” Himchan raises his hand. She laughs. “But he dragged me here.”
“Both of you are still too skinny,” she says briskly, slapping Himchan’s hand down and this time Yongguk laughs. “What’s going to happen when you debut? Girls don’t like boys who’re skinnier than they are. You need to fatten up for your fans.”
Yongguk takes a sip of his drink, and then nods, grinning again. “Right? I’m doing the best I can but this guy never eats,” he says, tilting his head playfully at Himchan.
Himchan shoves at Yongguk again. “I eat-okay-you just eat too much-like, inhuman amounts.”
“Well,” the ahjumma says, elbows on the bar as she taps the space in front of Himchan (in the background, the bell for the ready food goes off), “you’re inhumanly skinny so I’m giving you an inhuman amount of food and you’d better finish it.”
Himchan sticks his tongue out at her, and she rolls her eyes and slaps the side of his head. He hears Yongguk laugh again beside him.
When they arrive back at the company, their supervisor pats their backs and ushers them up to their dorms. The other trainees they’re going to debut with (Junhong and Daehyun and Youngjae and Jongup) are all already asleep, and since they have another long day ahead of them tomorrow, Yongguk and Himchan are told to have the lights off in their own shared room as quickly as possible.
Yongguk pulls his sweatshirt off over his head, cap falling from his head in the process. He tosses both pieces of clothing onto his bed-across the room from Himchan’s. “D’you want to shower first or-?” He glances to the other man.
Himchan is bent over his nightstand, and pretends to fiddle with his clock. “No,” he says, and keeps his voice light. “You go ahead first.”
“You sure?” Yongguk steps over to Himchan, and the older man’s voice is suddenly playful (Yongguk is always playful), grabbing the edge of Himchan’s t-shirt again and spinning him around. Himchan bats him away, rolling his eyes and grinning. Yongguk laughs. “All right-thanks. Don’t fall asleep while you’re waiting, okay?” He taps his fist to Himchan’s cheek teasingly before heading off for the bathroom.
Himchan doesn’t fall asleep.
He can’t.
He’s still wide awake by the time the sound of the shower is turned off, and Yongguk comes out of the bathroom, hair dripping water down the sides of his face and neck, shirt slung over one shoulder and sweatpants riding low on his hips. Himchan’s eyes trace the stretch of underwear peeking over the top of Yongguk’s waistband.
Himchan doesn’t sit up on his bed fast enough-Yongguk is leaning over him (droplets of water clinging to his bare skin, the scent of soap and shampoo wafting from him, cheeks and ears flushed with color from the warm water, damp hair clinging to his face). “Wow,” Yongguk says, breath ghosting against Himchan’s face. “So you actually are still awake.”
“Get the fuck away,” Himchan sighs, pushing Yongguk roughly. “Your face is gross.”
Yongguk snorts and slaps Himchan’s cheek gently. “Hurry up and shower,” he says. “It’s late.” He tugs Himchan up into a sitting position, hands over the younger man’s wrists.
Himchan makes a face, swinging his legs off of the bed as Yongguk crosses back to his own bed and starts pulling a shirt over his head. “Don’t wait up for me,” Himchan says, grabbing his towel and pajamas, passing by Yongguk. He says that every night when they return late, when they have to take turns showering and Himchan offers to be last, but Yongguk never listens. It’s almost simply out of habit now, that Himchan says that to the other man because both of them know that Yongguk is going to stay up anyway.
Once Himchan has locked the bathroom door, he drops his towels and clothes on the counter before sinking down onto the tiles, shoving his jeans past his hips, down past his thighs. His head falls back with a thunk against the wall, eyes closing as his hand wraps around the base of his cock (hot and hard and painful).
It’s actually kind of impressive if it wasn’t so depressing, Himchan thinks, how hard he can get in just a few seconds after holding it back from the proximity Yongguk’s face was just a minute ago. (But then again, by now, Himchan’s had practice)
It doesn’t take long until there’s sticky white splattered over Himchan’s thighs, over his hands, over his stomach. He doesn’t bother wiping anything off since he’s about to shower anyway-he merely stands and strips off the rest of his clothes. Himchan turns on the shower and waits for the water to warm up.
Hyosung tugs at his sleeve. “C’mon,” she says, voice muffled from the mouthful of biscuit, “food’s here.” She points to the other side of the studio, where Sunhwa and SECRET’s manager have joined the stylists and coordinators around the table of takeout.
Himchan looks up at her, blinking and shakes his head. “Later,” he says. “’M not hungry right now.”
She looks down at him skeptically. “The shoot started at like six,” she says. “No one got to eat breakfast. You’re starving.”
“I’m fine,” he says, waving her off. “You go eat. I’ll eat later-it’s fine.”
Hyosung suddenly takes the empty seat beside him, and she leans in, playfully pretending to look in the same direction Himchan is in. “Ah,” she drawls, “gotcha.” She nudges him and tilts her head towards Yongguk-currently in the middle of his turn for the photoshoot.
“What?” Himchan says sharply, blinking rapidly and glancing at Hyosung. “What?”
She laughs, standing up and patting his shoulder. “Nothing,” she says airily.
“He’s probably starving too,” Himchan says quickly, “I just want to wait for him since he usually waits for me-and I’m not hungry right now, really so-”
“I know-okay-yeah, okay,” Hyosung says, putting her hands up in front of her. There’s something in her voice that makes Himchan nervous-the knowing lilt in her tone when she smiles at him and then at Yongguk, posing according to the photographer’s directions, and then back to Himchan.
Himchan watches her walk away, and swallows, bringing his eyes back to Yongguk and ignoring the grumbling in his stomach.
He’s not hungry.
Once Yongguk’s turn has ended and the photographer officially calls for a lunch break, Himchan has barely stood up before Yongguk swings an arm around the younger man’s neck again, pulling him towards the lunch table. Himchan ducks out of Yongguk’s grip, shoving the older man back roughly. Himchan wrinkles his nose, as Yongguk comes right back and this time slings an arm around Himchan’s waist (and this time, Himchan doesn’t push away). “Fucking don’t touch me.”
“Fucking don’t wait for me,” Yongguk shoots back. “I could hear your stomach over the camera clicking.”
Himchan shrugs. “I wasn’t hungry yet,” he says, as a staff member hands them both box sets and they head towards an empty table (Hyosung and Sunhwa have already finished eating, so they are being ushered over for a make-up recheck).
“Y’know,” Yongguk says, letting go of Himchan so they can take seats at the table, facing each other, “you’re like the worst liar ever.”
Himchan just grins as they sit down to eat.
When it’s time for joint pictures, when the photographer constantly eggs on for Yongguk’s arm to hug Himchan closer-for Himchan to lean into Yongguk just a little more-for both of them to close the distance between their sides-then Himchan gets the chance to play pretend. He lets himself pretend that there’s a little bit more than just friendship when Yongguk laughs into his ear and the camera clicks away-that there’s a little more than the photographer’s orders when Yongguk tilts his head in against Himchan’s.
It’s incredibly easy to pretend to the point where it’s more difficult not to pretend because of the way Yongguk looks at Himchan. Even though Himchan knows it’s just his own mind playing delusional tricks on itself in an act of pathetic desperation, it’s so easy to pretend that the light shining from Yongguk’s eyes is more than just friendship.
In the months leading up to their debut, Himchan and Yongguk don’t spend much time with each other-not nearly as much as they used to in the years leading up to debut. Yongguk is busy in his activities with Junhong, and Himchan spends the time that they aren’t being pushed to the bone getting to know the others better than before. Youngjae and Daehyun often stick with each other, so Himchan often sticks with Jongup.
Jongup is five years younger than Himchan and it feels like it-Jongup will say things that’ll have Himchan on the floor, laughing until his sides ache while the dancer just sits there, blinking brightly and sometimes confusedly as to why Himchan is laughing so hard. He never loses patience whenever Himchan has trouble with dances, never makes any snide remarks the way some of the other trainees used to at how Himchan has no place in being here (“Take your pretty fucking face and fuck on your drums somewhere else”).
“Maybe we should call it a night, hyung,” Jongup says, on a night when Daehyun and Youngjae are off having vocal lessons, and Yongguk and Junhong are out on a schedule. Jongup and Himchan are sitting on the floor of the practice room, clothes and skin and hair drenched with sweat.
Himchan breathes in and out shakily, brushing the perspiration-matted hair from his eyes. He crushes his eyes closed and then opens them again a few times to get the sweat out from stinging his eyes. “You go to bed,” he says, tugging lightly at a wet lock of Jongup’s hair. He smiles at the boy. “I want to run through it one more time-”
“I’ll stay with you,” Jongup says quickly-earnestly.
Himchan grins, patting Jongup’s cheek. “Nah,” he says, “go to bed. We have stuff early tomorrow and you danced harder than me.”
Jongup frowns. “Hyung,” he says.
“Go, go, go,” Himchan playfully, punching Jongup’s arm until the frown on the boy’s face fades slightly and Jongup smiles-eyes disappearing and teeth flashing. Himchan gathers the strength that he has left and teasingly pretends to shove Jongup up to his feet. “And shower, okay?” Himchan says. “Don’t go to bed covered in sweat like that.”
He waits until Jongup is completely out of the practice studio, before getting to his feet and turning on the music again.
His eyes open to Yongguk’s face (surrounded by the fluorescent lights of the practice room). “Wow,” Yongguk says dryly. There’s still make-up on Yongguk’s face-hair still stiff with product, even though he’s not in stage clothes anymore, which means he probably just returned with Junhong and their manager from the schedule. “Working yourself to exhaustion-big surprise there.”
“As the leader,” Himchan says blearily, letting Yongguk yank the younger man’s limp body up into a sitting position as Yongguk takes a seat beside Himchan on the wooden floor, “aren’t you supposed to encourage me to work hard and stuff?”
“If I told you to practice any harder,” Yongguk says, “I’d probably find you dead a week later because you forgot to eat again or something.”
Himchan snorts, stretching his arms behind his back to gauge how sore he’ll be tomorrow morning. “Go away,” he says, “go to sleep.”
“Only if you come with me,” Yongguk singsongs, tugging at Himchan’s sleeve until the younger man slaps him away. Yongguk laughs. “No-I’m serious-this is fucking dumb-it’s almost one in the morning, c’mon.” He stands up and offers Himchan his hand.
Himchan merely looks up at him. “Maybe I’m just fucking dumb,” Himchan says, and doesn’t take Yongguk’s hand.
Yongguk rolls his eyes.
“I was just taking a break-I’m fine,” Himchan says, poking Yongguk’s ankle. “So go to sleep.” He waves and then makes to flip back onto his back for maybe another five-minute nap before he gets up and starts the music again. Except his back gets about halfway to the floor before he feels an arm catch him-and then another arm under his knees-
And then his entire body is suddenly slung over Yongguk’s shoulder.
Himchan thrashes.
“Yah-yah,” Yongguk yells, and his arms lock around Himchan’s body because Himchan is punching Yongguk’s shoulder blades and squirming every which way he can because what the fuck. “Okay-if you want to do that-then we’re both going to fall and it’s going to hurt like shit, Kim Himchan.”
“What the fuck are you even doing-”
Yongguk drops Himchan to the floor with a sudden thump (except Yongguk’s arms catch Himchan so that the younger man lands on his feet). The older man’s hand grips Himchan’s arm tightly. “Trying to find a way to get you to fucking sleep,” Yongguk says, eyes boring into Himchan’s.
He wishes Yongguk wouldn’t do that.
(wishes Yongguk wouldn’t say things like that)
Himchan hops onto Yongguk’s back, wrapping his arms around the older man’s waist and tightening his arms around Yongguk’s neck until Yongguk bursts out into incredulous laughter, but his own hands secure themselves under Himchan’s legs anyway. “Fuck,” Yongguk gasps, as he takes an experimental step. “You’re fucking heavy.”
“Liar,” Himchan says, “you were just about to carry me on your fucking shoulder, Bang Yongguk.”
Yongguk turns his head just enough so their eyes meet. He grins at Himchan. “Yeah,” he says, “carrying you is like carrying fucking air, Kim Himchan. So eat more, okay?”
Himchan just rolls his eyes and slaps the side of Yongguk’s head. “This is the shittiest piggy-back ride,” he says. “Hurry the fuck up and go.”
“Bitch,” Yongguk laughs.
(in the shower Himchan slides to the wet tiles, and wraps his hand around his cock again-pumping as fast as he can, eyes closed, because tonight Yongguk refused to shower first which means that Himchan can’t take too long the way he usually can otherwise Yongguk might wonder or their manager might see that Yongguk’s still awake and ask why he isn’t already showering and then knock on the door to get Himchan to hurry up and that’s just all really not a good scenario-
He bites down against his own arm, through the bitter taste of soap that’s drenched over his skin, and muffles the cries and moans and gasps because that’s the worst part of all of this
The worst part obviously is)
(any other idol or idol-to-be probably wouldn’t have to be as terrified as Himchan to have their manager or a bandmate walk in on them getting off because any other idol or idol-to-be probably wouldn’t be getting off while holding his bandmate’s, his best friend’s, his leader’s towel against his face while doing so)
Their debut date, their concept, is set.
Life gets a little hectic from there.
Things get a little different.
Things get a little depressing.
(things-things-things like how it hits Himchan smack dab in the face harder than before that it’ll never happen with him and Yongguk-that there’ll be this ache inside of him forever that the older man can never know about and the only way that it hurts less is for Himchan to fill that ache with someone else-anyone else-and convince himself once and for all that it’s not a secret if it’s not love)
It’s really not as hard as it’s made out to be.
Especially if you haven’t even debuted yet and if you have a big enough hood to hide your face on all sides. And if you’re careful not to drink anything anyone tries to give you, if you don’t smoke anything, sniff anything, eat anything that anyone offers you. It also helps that Himchan is good at scaling windows, and knows how to land in a room without making much noise.
The first time there’s a little bit of difficulty because Himchan hadn’t thought it would hurt that much-it would exhaust him that much-and he nearly slips on the ledge as he sneaks into the first open window from the back side of the company building. He also hadn’t thought that it would still hurt in the morning, and doesn’t meet their manager’s eyes when Himchan is asked why he’s limping his way into rehearsal-or why, when they stretch him out, he ends up shouting out in pain.
The pain doesn’t last forever though, and Himchan gets used to it-finds ways to accommodate it whenever he happens across a partner who’s a little rougher than the others. He always makes sure to finish fast enough so that he’ll get back in time to get at least four hours of sleep, otherwise it’ll show on his face-beneath his eyes-and he can’t afford to leave any tracks.
But it helps.
Really.
(it’s better than jacking off alone in a bathroom)
One night is all it takes, though, to bring everything crashing to the ground.
Himchan pulls off his hood slowly, closing the window behind him and turning to face Yongguk steadily. “You know?” Himchan asks, licking his lips and lowering his eyes as he leans back against the ledge, hands gripping the concrete edge.
“Since last week,” Yongguk says shortly, arms folded over his chest as he stands there, in the middle of the dance studio (no one ever normally uses this practice room, which is why Himchan always uses this window). “You can’t do this anymore,” he says, “not after we debut-and a lot of people already know us. I know you probably love her and all, so maybe if you talk to-”
Himchan laughs (bitterly-derisively).
Yongguk’s eyes narrow. “I thought we were best friends,” he says quietly. “You could’ve told me about her at least.”
This is funny.
Himchan wants to laugh again, but he bites his lip and swallows it down (he’s going insane already anyway, there’s no point in making it worse by laughing-Yongguk might punch him).
“There’s no her,” Himchan says. “There’s no girlfriend. I’m fucking gay, and I’ve been fucking guys. Okay? ‘Night.”
He didn’t meet Yongguk’s eyes a single time during those words, and he doesn’t meet Yongguk’s eyes now as he turns on his heel and heads for the door. Himchan knows that Yongguk isn’t going to tell their manager or the other members-or anyone at all, ever-because Himchan knows Yongguk (they’re best friends-they’re best friends-they’re best friends) and, all things considered, Yongguk will probably just try to stop Himchan a few times until Himchan can find a way to sneak out without even Yongguk knowing.
It’ll be hard, but it’s not impossible.
“Fuck me.”
Himchan stops, hand on the door handle.
“Or I’ll fuck you,” Yongguk continues, and there’s something terribly odd and shaky in his deep voice. “Whichever.”
Himchan swallows, closing his eyes, knuckles whitening as he grips the door handle hard enough that his palm starts to sting.
“What if I said I was gay too?” Yongguk doesn’t stop and Himchan wants to rip the door off of its hinges and slam it onto Yongguk’s entire body-he wants to kill Yongguk right now because while this might be admirable in Yongguk’s deluded fucking mind (to be the charity case, to be sacrifice himself so that Himchan shuts up and stays inside the company building at night once they debut), it’s just fucking messed up and stupid and dangerous in reality.
“You’re not fucking gay,” Himchan says with his eyes still closed, still facing the door, still gripping the handle. “You’re trying to be a fucking good leader and that’s a shitty ass way of doing it. I’m sorry, okay? I won’t go out anymore after we debut, I’ll-”
Himchan is slammed into the door (his eyes shoot open).
Yongguk’s hands are at his hips, clawing at the waistband of Himchan’s jeans and the older man’s mouth is hot against the shell of Himchan’s ear. “Let’s just do it together,” Yongguk whispers (desperately? convincingly?), “to each other-does it matter if I’m gay too?”
Himchan closes his eyes again, forehead thumping against the cold glass of the door.
“Even with a girl,” Yongguk says, “I’d have to sneak out like you too. So why not just stick together for now?”
Yongguk’s voice doesn’t sound confident at all-it sounds as scared and unconvincing and panicked and terrified and desperate and horny as Himchan is. Yongguk’s voice shakes and his hands are shaking against Himchan’s hips as well.
(sinking into this is the most dangerous thing Himchan could ever do to himself because it’s something that Himchan wants and Yongguk doesn’t-this is the closest Himchan will ever get, and the farthest, all at the same time)
But Himchan has always been fucking stupid.
He whirls around and catches Yongguk on the lips.
(they’re best friends-but, somehow, one thing they’ve never spoken to each other about much is sex-girls-maybe because Himchan always tries to avoid that since he really is a bad liar and he doesn’t know how he’d lie to Yongguk about that-regardless-Himchan doesn’t know what to think of what Yongguk’s done before this-it could’ve been anything or nothing or everything or something-Himchan can only guess because Yongguk doesn’t feel experienced, but he doesn’t feel new to it either)
It’s not too fast.
It’s not slow.
There’s warmth-there’re familiar hands on Himchan’s body, unlike the unfamiliar hands (always a different pair of hands) that had held him before during all the previous nights. Other than that though, there’s not much difference because they aren’t here to make love-they aren’t here to have this mean anything. The most that it means is that they’re both best friends, the oldest hyungs (so they have more needs-they need this a little more than Daehyun and Youngjae do-they need this, unlike Junhong and Jongup who’re still both a little too young), the ones who’ve been here together the longest.
That’s the most it means, and the most it’ll ever mean.
Other than that-
It’s just sex and they only do the bare minimum-not much foreplay, kisses that are just to take and never to give-and then they’re done.
Himchan doesn’t bother getting up right away. He just sits there, in his boxers and shirtless, against the wall (tries not to look at his reflection in the mirror wall on the opposite side of the room), legs sprawled out, leaning back on his arms. He watches Yongguk get dressed, wiping the sweat from his forehead on his arm.
The weird part is that it doesn’t feel weird.
(Himchan was expecting some sort of tragic fit to hit him where he angsts about the loss of his best friend as his best friend-expects maybe Yongguk to run away the first chance he gets, to look at Himchan a little differently, for everything between them to freeze and crumble away)
Yeah-
“What?” Yongguk asks, blinking as Himchan stares up at him.
He doesn’t-stupid, really, but-
“You’re hot,” Himchan says, hating himself with every fiber of his being that he’s actually letting those words out of his mouth. He smiles, and waits for Yongguk to stomp out of the room-weirded and grossed out.
But-oh-
Yongguk kneels in front of Himchan suddenly, face just inches apart from Himchan’s own. “You’re hotter,” Yongguk grins, and pats Himchan on the hip before straightening back up and jogging to the door.
Himchan watches as the older man leaves the room.
(leaves Himchan sitting there with his ears red, heart thudding so fast that it hurts)
Author: himawarixxsandz
Rating: PG-13
Pairing(s): BangHim, one-sided!HimUp
Summary: It's not a secret if it's not love
A/N: welp here's to another gianormous ass banghim fic since I can never seem to shut up when it comes to them and I blame them entirely because they actually ship themselves oMFG. this fic is basically my take on everything banghim. like everything. it's gonna end up to power promotions. you'll see what i mean.
Part 1 // Part 2
They’re best friends.
Before either of them get to stand on a big stage-a stage facing hundreds of eyes that are there only for them, hundreds of voices screaming in unison just to hear their music, a stage that they share with four others-they stand together, just the two of them, on a smaller stage. They stand there together, and Himchan gets to feel like maybe he can actually do this-like maybe he can debut and there won’t be thousands of people who call him worthless (the way some do at the company).
It’s easy to feel like he’s talented, like he can do this, like he can go through with this, like he shouldn’t just quit and give up and go back to the path he was on before (the path that he’ll always love-but the one that he’s decided to give up for this one)-it’s always so easy to feel all of this when he’s with Yongguk.
After the performance is over, they’ll stumble behind stage, drunk from the adrenaline, and Yongguk’s arm is always heavy and familiar when it slings around Himchan’s neck. Yongguk’s waist is always secure and warm for Himchan to wrap his arm around in turn. The crowd continues to cheer long after they’ve left the stage, and that brings laughter out from both of them as they hop lightly out from the back of the building, onto the streets.
“Fuck,” is the first thing out of Yongguk’s mouth once they’re safely out of the chaos that is backstage (rushing to get the next rapper crew out on stage, rushing to get the mics where they need to be, rushing to get the right audio playing). “I’m hungry.”
“Fuck,” Himchan mimics, playing right up against Yongguk, hands shoving at the other man’s shoulders. “No one cares.”
Yongguk fists the edge of Himchan’s sweatshirt, yanking him towards a turn at the end of the block. “C’mon, asshole,” he says, pulling Himchan towards the little restaurant they frequent, “we’re eating.”
Himchan grins, and slaps Yongguk’s arm lightly, tearing out of the other man’s grip and running ahead of Yongguk into the restaurant.
They always come here after their performances, sometimes after a long day of training when they’re let out a little bit earlier than usual. The food is good and cheap-the latter description being far more important than the former since, as trainees, they really have to scrape by with the minimal whenever they get the chance to eat out. And the ahjumma who runs the place likes them-chats with them a lot, knows them by name now, and sometimes gives them free food when she knows they’re particularly tired.
“You two are out late,” she says, sliding them their drinks while the food is being cooked in the back.
Yongguk grins up at her as Himchan gulps down half his drink in one go (it was hot onstage, and he’s thirsty and sweating). “Performance,” he says. “We’re going straight back to the company though after this.”
“I wanted to go back right away,” Himchan raises his hand. She laughs. “But he dragged me here.”
“Both of you are still too skinny,” she says briskly, slapping Himchan’s hand down and this time Yongguk laughs. “What’s going to happen when you debut? Girls don’t like boys who’re skinnier than they are. You need to fatten up for your fans.”
Yongguk takes a sip of his drink, and then nods, grinning again. “Right? I’m doing the best I can but this guy never eats,” he says, tilting his head playfully at Himchan.
Himchan shoves at Yongguk again. “I eat-okay-you just eat too much-like, inhuman amounts.”
“Well,” the ahjumma says, elbows on the bar as she taps the space in front of Himchan (in the background, the bell for the ready food goes off), “you’re inhumanly skinny so I’m giving you an inhuman amount of food and you’d better finish it.”
Himchan sticks his tongue out at her, and she rolls her eyes and slaps the side of his head. He hears Yongguk laugh again beside him.
When they arrive back at the company, their supervisor pats their backs and ushers them up to their dorms. The other trainees they’re going to debut with (Junhong and Daehyun and Youngjae and Jongup) are all already asleep, and since they have another long day ahead of them tomorrow, Yongguk and Himchan are told to have the lights off in their own shared room as quickly as possible.
Yongguk pulls his sweatshirt off over his head, cap falling from his head in the process. He tosses both pieces of clothing onto his bed-across the room from Himchan’s. “D’you want to shower first or-?” He glances to the other man.
Himchan is bent over his nightstand, and pretends to fiddle with his clock. “No,” he says, and keeps his voice light. “You go ahead first.”
“You sure?” Yongguk steps over to Himchan, and the older man’s voice is suddenly playful (Yongguk is always playful), grabbing the edge of Himchan’s t-shirt again and spinning him around. Himchan bats him away, rolling his eyes and grinning. Yongguk laughs. “All right-thanks. Don’t fall asleep while you’re waiting, okay?” He taps his fist to Himchan’s cheek teasingly before heading off for the bathroom.
Himchan doesn’t fall asleep.
He can’t.
He’s still wide awake by the time the sound of the shower is turned off, and Yongguk comes out of the bathroom, hair dripping water down the sides of his face and neck, shirt slung over one shoulder and sweatpants riding low on his hips. Himchan’s eyes trace the stretch of underwear peeking over the top of Yongguk’s waistband.
Himchan doesn’t sit up on his bed fast enough-Yongguk is leaning over him (droplets of water clinging to his bare skin, the scent of soap and shampoo wafting from him, cheeks and ears flushed with color from the warm water, damp hair clinging to his face). “Wow,” Yongguk says, breath ghosting against Himchan’s face. “So you actually are still awake.”
“Get the fuck away,” Himchan sighs, pushing Yongguk roughly. “Your face is gross.”
Yongguk snorts and slaps Himchan’s cheek gently. “Hurry up and shower,” he says. “It’s late.” He tugs Himchan up into a sitting position, hands over the younger man’s wrists.
Himchan makes a face, swinging his legs off of the bed as Yongguk crosses back to his own bed and starts pulling a shirt over his head. “Don’t wait up for me,” Himchan says, grabbing his towel and pajamas, passing by Yongguk. He says that every night when they return late, when they have to take turns showering and Himchan offers to be last, but Yongguk never listens. It’s almost simply out of habit now, that Himchan says that to the other man because both of them know that Yongguk is going to stay up anyway.
Once Himchan has locked the bathroom door, he drops his towels and clothes on the counter before sinking down onto the tiles, shoving his jeans past his hips, down past his thighs. His head falls back with a thunk against the wall, eyes closing as his hand wraps around the base of his cock (hot and hard and painful).
It’s actually kind of impressive if it wasn’t so depressing, Himchan thinks, how hard he can get in just a few seconds after holding it back from the proximity Yongguk’s face was just a minute ago. (But then again, by now, Himchan’s had practice)
It doesn’t take long until there’s sticky white splattered over Himchan’s thighs, over his hands, over his stomach. He doesn’t bother wiping anything off since he’s about to shower anyway-he merely stands and strips off the rest of his clothes. Himchan turns on the shower and waits for the water to warm up.
Hyosung tugs at his sleeve. “C’mon,” she says, voice muffled from the mouthful of biscuit, “food’s here.” She points to the other side of the studio, where Sunhwa and SECRET’s manager have joined the stylists and coordinators around the table of takeout.
Himchan looks up at her, blinking and shakes his head. “Later,” he says. “’M not hungry right now.”
She looks down at him skeptically. “The shoot started at like six,” she says. “No one got to eat breakfast. You’re starving.”
“I’m fine,” he says, waving her off. “You go eat. I’ll eat later-it’s fine.”
Hyosung suddenly takes the empty seat beside him, and she leans in, playfully pretending to look in the same direction Himchan is in. “Ah,” she drawls, “gotcha.” She nudges him and tilts her head towards Yongguk-currently in the middle of his turn for the photoshoot.
“What?” Himchan says sharply, blinking rapidly and glancing at Hyosung. “What?”
She laughs, standing up and patting his shoulder. “Nothing,” she says airily.
“He’s probably starving too,” Himchan says quickly, “I just want to wait for him since he usually waits for me-and I’m not hungry right now, really so-”
“I know-okay-yeah, okay,” Hyosung says, putting her hands up in front of her. There’s something in her voice that makes Himchan nervous-the knowing lilt in her tone when she smiles at him and then at Yongguk, posing according to the photographer’s directions, and then back to Himchan.
Himchan watches her walk away, and swallows, bringing his eyes back to Yongguk and ignoring the grumbling in his stomach.
He’s not hungry.
Once Yongguk’s turn has ended and the photographer officially calls for a lunch break, Himchan has barely stood up before Yongguk swings an arm around the younger man’s neck again, pulling him towards the lunch table. Himchan ducks out of Yongguk’s grip, shoving the older man back roughly. Himchan wrinkles his nose, as Yongguk comes right back and this time slings an arm around Himchan’s waist (and this time, Himchan doesn’t push away). “Fucking don’t touch me.”
“Fucking don’t wait for me,” Yongguk shoots back. “I could hear your stomach over the camera clicking.”
Himchan shrugs. “I wasn’t hungry yet,” he says, as a staff member hands them both box sets and they head towards an empty table (Hyosung and Sunhwa have already finished eating, so they are being ushered over for a make-up recheck).
“Y’know,” Yongguk says, letting go of Himchan so they can take seats at the table, facing each other, “you’re like the worst liar ever.”
Himchan just grins as they sit down to eat.
When it’s time for joint pictures, when the photographer constantly eggs on for Yongguk’s arm to hug Himchan closer-for Himchan to lean into Yongguk just a little more-for both of them to close the distance between their sides-then Himchan gets the chance to play pretend. He lets himself pretend that there’s a little bit more than just friendship when Yongguk laughs into his ear and the camera clicks away-that there’s a little more than the photographer’s orders when Yongguk tilts his head in against Himchan’s.
It’s incredibly easy to pretend to the point where it’s more difficult not to pretend because of the way Yongguk looks at Himchan. Even though Himchan knows it’s just his own mind playing delusional tricks on itself in an act of pathetic desperation, it’s so easy to pretend that the light shining from Yongguk’s eyes is more than just friendship.
In the months leading up to their debut, Himchan and Yongguk don’t spend much time with each other-not nearly as much as they used to in the years leading up to debut. Yongguk is busy in his activities with Junhong, and Himchan spends the time that they aren’t being pushed to the bone getting to know the others better than before. Youngjae and Daehyun often stick with each other, so Himchan often sticks with Jongup.
Jongup is five years younger than Himchan and it feels like it-Jongup will say things that’ll have Himchan on the floor, laughing until his sides ache while the dancer just sits there, blinking brightly and sometimes confusedly as to why Himchan is laughing so hard. He never loses patience whenever Himchan has trouble with dances, never makes any snide remarks the way some of the other trainees used to at how Himchan has no place in being here (“Take your pretty fucking face and fuck on your drums somewhere else”).
“Maybe we should call it a night, hyung,” Jongup says, on a night when Daehyun and Youngjae are off having vocal lessons, and Yongguk and Junhong are out on a schedule. Jongup and Himchan are sitting on the floor of the practice room, clothes and skin and hair drenched with sweat.
Himchan breathes in and out shakily, brushing the perspiration-matted hair from his eyes. He crushes his eyes closed and then opens them again a few times to get the sweat out from stinging his eyes. “You go to bed,” he says, tugging lightly at a wet lock of Jongup’s hair. He smiles at the boy. “I want to run through it one more time-”
“I’ll stay with you,” Jongup says quickly-earnestly.
Himchan grins, patting Jongup’s cheek. “Nah,” he says, “go to bed. We have stuff early tomorrow and you danced harder than me.”
Jongup frowns. “Hyung,” he says.
“Go, go, go,” Himchan playfully, punching Jongup’s arm until the frown on the boy’s face fades slightly and Jongup smiles-eyes disappearing and teeth flashing. Himchan gathers the strength that he has left and teasingly pretends to shove Jongup up to his feet. “And shower, okay?” Himchan says. “Don’t go to bed covered in sweat like that.”
He waits until Jongup is completely out of the practice studio, before getting to his feet and turning on the music again.
His eyes open to Yongguk’s face (surrounded by the fluorescent lights of the practice room). “Wow,” Yongguk says dryly. There’s still make-up on Yongguk’s face-hair still stiff with product, even though he’s not in stage clothes anymore, which means he probably just returned with Junhong and their manager from the schedule. “Working yourself to exhaustion-big surprise there.”
“As the leader,” Himchan says blearily, letting Yongguk yank the younger man’s limp body up into a sitting position as Yongguk takes a seat beside Himchan on the wooden floor, “aren’t you supposed to encourage me to work hard and stuff?”
“If I told you to practice any harder,” Yongguk says, “I’d probably find you dead a week later because you forgot to eat again or something.”
Himchan snorts, stretching his arms behind his back to gauge how sore he’ll be tomorrow morning. “Go away,” he says, “go to sleep.”
“Only if you come with me,” Yongguk singsongs, tugging at Himchan’s sleeve until the younger man slaps him away. Yongguk laughs. “No-I’m serious-this is fucking dumb-it’s almost one in the morning, c’mon.” He stands up and offers Himchan his hand.
Himchan merely looks up at him. “Maybe I’m just fucking dumb,” Himchan says, and doesn’t take Yongguk’s hand.
Yongguk rolls his eyes.
“I was just taking a break-I’m fine,” Himchan says, poking Yongguk’s ankle. “So go to sleep.” He waves and then makes to flip back onto his back for maybe another five-minute nap before he gets up and starts the music again. Except his back gets about halfway to the floor before he feels an arm catch him-and then another arm under his knees-
And then his entire body is suddenly slung over Yongguk’s shoulder.
Himchan thrashes.
“Yah-yah,” Yongguk yells, and his arms lock around Himchan’s body because Himchan is punching Yongguk’s shoulder blades and squirming every which way he can because what the fuck. “Okay-if you want to do that-then we’re both going to fall and it’s going to hurt like shit, Kim Himchan.”
“What the fuck are you even doing-”
Yongguk drops Himchan to the floor with a sudden thump (except Yongguk’s arms catch Himchan so that the younger man lands on his feet). The older man’s hand grips Himchan’s arm tightly. “Trying to find a way to get you to fucking sleep,” Yongguk says, eyes boring into Himchan’s.
He wishes Yongguk wouldn’t do that.
(wishes Yongguk wouldn’t say things like that)
Himchan hops onto Yongguk’s back, wrapping his arms around the older man’s waist and tightening his arms around Yongguk’s neck until Yongguk bursts out into incredulous laughter, but his own hands secure themselves under Himchan’s legs anyway. “Fuck,” Yongguk gasps, as he takes an experimental step. “You’re fucking heavy.”
“Liar,” Himchan says, “you were just about to carry me on your fucking shoulder, Bang Yongguk.”
Yongguk turns his head just enough so their eyes meet. He grins at Himchan. “Yeah,” he says, “carrying you is like carrying fucking air, Kim Himchan. So eat more, okay?”
Himchan just rolls his eyes and slaps the side of Yongguk’s head. “This is the shittiest piggy-back ride,” he says. “Hurry the fuck up and go.”
“Bitch,” Yongguk laughs.
(in the shower Himchan slides to the wet tiles, and wraps his hand around his cock again-pumping as fast as he can, eyes closed, because tonight Yongguk refused to shower first which means that Himchan can’t take too long the way he usually can otherwise Yongguk might wonder or their manager might see that Yongguk’s still awake and ask why he isn’t already showering and then knock on the door to get Himchan to hurry up and that’s just all really not a good scenario-
He bites down against his own arm, through the bitter taste of soap that’s drenched over his skin, and muffles the cries and moans and gasps because that’s the worst part of all of this
The worst part obviously is)
(any other idol or idol-to-be probably wouldn’t have to be as terrified as Himchan to have their manager or a bandmate walk in on them getting off because any other idol or idol-to-be probably wouldn’t be getting off while holding his bandmate’s, his best friend’s, his leader’s towel against his face while doing so)
Their debut date, their concept, is set.
Life gets a little hectic from there.
Things get a little different.
Things get a little depressing.
(things-things-things like how it hits Himchan smack dab in the face harder than before that it’ll never happen with him and Yongguk-that there’ll be this ache inside of him forever that the older man can never know about and the only way that it hurts less is for Himchan to fill that ache with someone else-anyone else-and convince himself once and for all that it’s not a secret if it’s not love)
It’s really not as hard as it’s made out to be.
Especially if you haven’t even debuted yet and if you have a big enough hood to hide your face on all sides. And if you’re careful not to drink anything anyone tries to give you, if you don’t smoke anything, sniff anything, eat anything that anyone offers you. It also helps that Himchan is good at scaling windows, and knows how to land in a room without making much noise.
The first time there’s a little bit of difficulty because Himchan hadn’t thought it would hurt that much-it would exhaust him that much-and he nearly slips on the ledge as he sneaks into the first open window from the back side of the company building. He also hadn’t thought that it would still hurt in the morning, and doesn’t meet their manager’s eyes when Himchan is asked why he’s limping his way into rehearsal-or why, when they stretch him out, he ends up shouting out in pain.
The pain doesn’t last forever though, and Himchan gets used to it-finds ways to accommodate it whenever he happens across a partner who’s a little rougher than the others. He always makes sure to finish fast enough so that he’ll get back in time to get at least four hours of sleep, otherwise it’ll show on his face-beneath his eyes-and he can’t afford to leave any tracks.
But it helps.
Really.
(it’s better than jacking off alone in a bathroom)
One night is all it takes, though, to bring everything crashing to the ground.
Himchan pulls off his hood slowly, closing the window behind him and turning to face Yongguk steadily. “You know?” Himchan asks, licking his lips and lowering his eyes as he leans back against the ledge, hands gripping the concrete edge.
“Since last week,” Yongguk says shortly, arms folded over his chest as he stands there, in the middle of the dance studio (no one ever normally uses this practice room, which is why Himchan always uses this window). “You can’t do this anymore,” he says, “not after we debut-and a lot of people already know us. I know you probably love her and all, so maybe if you talk to-”
Himchan laughs (bitterly-derisively).
Yongguk’s eyes narrow. “I thought we were best friends,” he says quietly. “You could’ve told me about her at least.”
This is funny.
Himchan wants to laugh again, but he bites his lip and swallows it down (he’s going insane already anyway, there’s no point in making it worse by laughing-Yongguk might punch him).
“There’s no her,” Himchan says. “There’s no girlfriend. I’m fucking gay, and I’ve been fucking guys. Okay? ‘Night.”
He didn’t meet Yongguk’s eyes a single time during those words, and he doesn’t meet Yongguk’s eyes now as he turns on his heel and heads for the door. Himchan knows that Yongguk isn’t going to tell their manager or the other members-or anyone at all, ever-because Himchan knows Yongguk (they’re best friends-they’re best friends-they’re best friends) and, all things considered, Yongguk will probably just try to stop Himchan a few times until Himchan can find a way to sneak out without even Yongguk knowing.
It’ll be hard, but it’s not impossible.
“Fuck me.”
Himchan stops, hand on the door handle.
“Or I’ll fuck you,” Yongguk continues, and there’s something terribly odd and shaky in his deep voice. “Whichever.”
Himchan swallows, closing his eyes, knuckles whitening as he grips the door handle hard enough that his palm starts to sting.
“What if I said I was gay too?” Yongguk doesn’t stop and Himchan wants to rip the door off of its hinges and slam it onto Yongguk’s entire body-he wants to kill Yongguk right now because while this might be admirable in Yongguk’s deluded fucking mind (to be the charity case, to be sacrifice himself so that Himchan shuts up and stays inside the company building at night once they debut), it’s just fucking messed up and stupid and dangerous in reality.
“You’re not fucking gay,” Himchan says with his eyes still closed, still facing the door, still gripping the handle. “You’re trying to be a fucking good leader and that’s a shitty ass way of doing it. I’m sorry, okay? I won’t go out anymore after we debut, I’ll-”
Himchan is slammed into the door (his eyes shoot open).
Yongguk’s hands are at his hips, clawing at the waistband of Himchan’s jeans and the older man’s mouth is hot against the shell of Himchan’s ear. “Let’s just do it together,” Yongguk whispers (desperately? convincingly?), “to each other-does it matter if I’m gay too?”
Himchan closes his eyes again, forehead thumping against the cold glass of the door.
“Even with a girl,” Yongguk says, “I’d have to sneak out like you too. So why not just stick together for now?”
Yongguk’s voice doesn’t sound confident at all-it sounds as scared and unconvincing and panicked and terrified and desperate and horny as Himchan is. Yongguk’s voice shakes and his hands are shaking against Himchan’s hips as well.
(sinking into this is the most dangerous thing Himchan could ever do to himself because it’s something that Himchan wants and Yongguk doesn’t-this is the closest Himchan will ever get, and the farthest, all at the same time)
But Himchan has always been fucking stupid.
He whirls around and catches Yongguk on the lips.
(they’re best friends-but, somehow, one thing they’ve never spoken to each other about much is sex-girls-maybe because Himchan always tries to avoid that since he really is a bad liar and he doesn’t know how he’d lie to Yongguk about that-regardless-Himchan doesn’t know what to think of what Yongguk’s done before this-it could’ve been anything or nothing or everything or something-Himchan can only guess because Yongguk doesn’t feel experienced, but he doesn’t feel new to it either)
It’s not too fast.
It’s not slow.
There’s warmth-there’re familiar hands on Himchan’s body, unlike the unfamiliar hands (always a different pair of hands) that had held him before during all the previous nights. Other than that though, there’s not much difference because they aren’t here to make love-they aren’t here to have this mean anything. The most that it means is that they’re both best friends, the oldest hyungs (so they have more needs-they need this a little more than Daehyun and Youngjae do-they need this, unlike Junhong and Jongup who’re still both a little too young), the ones who’ve been here together the longest.
That’s the most it means, and the most it’ll ever mean.
Other than that-
It’s just sex and they only do the bare minimum-not much foreplay, kisses that are just to take and never to give-and then they’re done.
Himchan doesn’t bother getting up right away. He just sits there, in his boxers and shirtless, against the wall (tries not to look at his reflection in the mirror wall on the opposite side of the room), legs sprawled out, leaning back on his arms. He watches Yongguk get dressed, wiping the sweat from his forehead on his arm.
The weird part is that it doesn’t feel weird.
(Himchan was expecting some sort of tragic fit to hit him where he angsts about the loss of his best friend as his best friend-expects maybe Yongguk to run away the first chance he gets, to look at Himchan a little differently, for everything between them to freeze and crumble away)
Yeah-
“What?” Yongguk asks, blinking as Himchan stares up at him.
He doesn’t-stupid, really, but-
“You’re hot,” Himchan says, hating himself with every fiber of his being that he’s actually letting those words out of his mouth. He smiles, and waits for Yongguk to stomp out of the room-weirded and grossed out.
But-oh-
Yongguk kneels in front of Himchan suddenly, face just inches apart from Himchan’s own. “You’re hotter,” Yongguk grins, and pats Himchan on the hip before straightening back up and jogging to the door.
Himchan watches as the older man leaves the room.
(leaves Himchan sitting there with his ears red, heart thudding so fast that it hurts)