I feel like throwing something
I'm in a terrible mood. A curl-up-in-bed and cry bad mood. A go to sleep for the rest of the day mood. I've been bothered my something of my own creation for the past four days, and i need to talk about it. and i can't. or won't. i want to. so bad. but its like i'm silenced by something, fear maybe? of the response, or just the fear of actually being active itself. instead of passive that is. i need to. i will. today i will talk about. i hope. i can't keep doing this. i didn't get any sleep last night. today has sucked so far. my only consolation for feeling so terrible last night was that today i could get my english paper back, and i would know, good or bad, what my grade was. hopefully good, but at least i would know. i really hate the not-knowing part. well my english professor didn't finish grading the papers so I have to wait for two more days to find out what i made. life is such a slap in the face sometimes. and we got put in groups today to write a cooperative paper. now group work isn't my favorite thing to do, but i know its useful so i tried to have a good attitude about this. "maybe i will get put in a really good group. everyone pulls their own weight. we each work on our own share for the greater good of the project. kind of like a little commune." but that never happens, because i always get the s* end of the stick when it comes to groups. where i have to do all the work myself, or i can't possibly do it all and we all fail miserably, and then i get blamed. good thing this group is no different. i've got a japanese girl and some pothead in my group. now the japanese girl can barely speak english. i don't know if she can read english. fuck. looks like i'm doing her part. my only hope is the pothead guy who seems rather capable of just doing his assignment, but adding nothing else. great. looks like the reluctant leader prevails again. i really fucking hate group work.
you know i've realized i'm not as laid back as i thought. i really can't just go with the flow and not worry about things. i like to know where i am all the time. not necessarily where i'm going, but what exactly is my present status. like in relationships, i don't like not KNOWING EXACTLY how a person feels about me. i want to know, good or bad. and i want to be told. in words. that i can understand. to which most people say "you can't always SAY something like that, its shown through actions or known by feelings or intuition." no. give me words. those i can understand. with words, im less likely to misinterpret in their subtleties. clear understandable words i don't overanalyze or misconstrue. maybe its the scientist in me, wanting proof, fact, observable data. same thing with grades. i can't stand that period of time between taking the test and getting the grade back. i can't rest just thinking i did good or satisfactory or whatever. i have to KNOW. i have to see the score.
but even though i have to KNOW so bad, its so hard for me to say when something is bothering me. to take action for change or for peace of mind. i don't know why. maybe i've built it up too much in my head as some kind of major confrontation. and we all know i avoid confrontation. why? i'm only doing this to myself. this is so stupid.
maybe i should cry. maybe i should go to sleep. maybe i should start to take my anti-depressants?
you know i've realized i'm not as laid back as i thought. i really can't just go with the flow and not worry about things. i like to know where i am all the time. not necessarily where i'm going, but what exactly is my present status. like in relationships, i don't like not KNOWING EXACTLY how a person feels about me. i want to know, good or bad. and i want to be told. in words. that i can understand. to which most people say "you can't always SAY something like that, its shown through actions or known by feelings or intuition." no. give me words. those i can understand. with words, im less likely to misinterpret in their subtleties. clear understandable words i don't overanalyze or misconstrue. maybe its the scientist in me, wanting proof, fact, observable data. same thing with grades. i can't stand that period of time between taking the test and getting the grade back. i can't rest just thinking i did good or satisfactory or whatever. i have to KNOW. i have to see the score.
but even though i have to KNOW so bad, its so hard for me to say when something is bothering me. to take action for change or for peace of mind. i don't know why. maybe i've built it up too much in my head as some kind of major confrontation. and we all know i avoid confrontation. why? i'm only doing this to myself. this is so stupid.
maybe i should cry. maybe i should go to sleep. maybe i should start to take my anti-depressants?