(no subject)
I feel sick. I can write about day to day trivial bullshit without a problem....but when it comes to how I am feeling....I'm mute. How do you take someone telling you to call the hospital so they can put the phone to his ear while you say goodbye? My usual denial mode that has kept me going these past couple of weeks is not working, and here I am at work when it all hits me...and I somehow have to keep it together......I don't want to say goodbye over the phone....I want to drive there like I promised last weekend and see him. I want him to be able to speak like he was last weekend.....I want to help him get better so he can go home. He didn't want to be in the hospital like this. I'm not saying goodbye, If I can get a hold of my girlfriend I can drive to CT to see him..........she's out somewhere, and I am fighting the urges to call the hospital. I cannot say goodbye over the phone. this is all that's bobbing in my head....it kind of allows me to freakout in my head rather than out loud........I am sitting here motionless typing (of all things) when all I want to do is run, screaming.