hows this for an update............
so, lately... all ive been able to think about is how bad i want to get back to where i was when i was with james...
and by that, i dont mean with someone like james, i mean i miss having someone there for me all the time, someone i could call when i had a bad day, someone who would be here in a minute if i were sick to take care of me, and just someone to hangout with when there isnt anything to do..
it seems like lately i've just been attracting douche bags.. from stuart kids with tricked out suv's with hydrolics, to skinheads who are mean as fucking shit... from complete basers who think im an angel to straight laced straight edge kids who end up thinking im a piece of shit.
and currently, someone who i'm completely in "like" with.. and because of my stupid actions a year ago, he thinks im a piece of shit and dosent trust me with anything..
like seriously.
let me explain the situation to anyone who's actually reading this....
about a year ago, i wont say what i did, but i did something pretty bad... ended up meeting a really great dude at the end of all the bullshit, and i really started to like him but because of what i did, he thinks im like the sketchiest person in the world.. we stopped talking for about 8 months because he ended up dating some other girl, so i did my thing, whatever, didnt think we'd ever talk again.. the kid really kinda hurt me.. so anyways.. about two months ago, we start talkin again, just as friends really.. hangin out whatever.. started actually.. talking.. textin the kid all day long for like a month and a half straight, he ends up tellin me that he loves me and im the only girl that actually cares about him.. etc etc whatever.
so the words are exchanged... we're all happy and cute for like three days..
and then it turns into
"dont smoke weed. quit smoking cigarettes. you're stupid as fuck. you're irresponsible blah blah blah"
but what i dont get, is that before all of that cute shit he told me straight up to my face "we'll never be more than this, i dont trust you. how would i tell people how we met"
OK............. NOW HERES MY VENTING------------------------------------------------------------------------------
ive been single for a year and a half.. IM NOT USED TO HAVING A DUDE TELL ME WHAT TO DO.... like, if you wanted to be my boyfriend... i might understand, but from what i know right now... you dont want that position.. so what are you doing?!?!?!
is it just me.. or does anyone else think that if you tell someone you love them, and you actually get the same answer out of the other person, would you not want to be with that person? idk. maybe im just old fashioned???
im no angel, and i dont claim to be one, but give a girl a break. ever since i started talking to this kid, and actually being serious.. i havent even thought about being with another guy.. 1. because i seriously do like this kid. and 2. because if he ever found out he'd murder me. lol..
i've been a pretty fucking good girl the past like 6 months. and anyone who knows me and sees me regularly would be able to say that.
i dont fuck around anymore.. got that shit out of my system probly before it should have, but its definitely out.
i dont do a lot of drugs.... im working fulltime.... and even when im not working.. im still constantly making money.. ive been pretty responsible lately, especially with my money because im moving soon... so HOW AM I IRRISPONSIBLE?!?!?!?
i think im one of the few 18 year old i know who still live at home that isnt completely faded every night, getting arrested, fucking every thing that moves, and wasting money on stupid shit....
compared to who i used to be im a pretty fucking good girl and i guess people just arent seeing it enough...
IDK.
basically, why do peoples pasts follow them for so long?
i feel like im in school and have a mark on my perminant record.
sometimes, i wish that people would actually live by "what happened in the past stays in the past"
because my life would be so much easier...
starting over is too easy.