It's essentially just a list of gripes about how everyone who doesn't live in my house is awful.
Even in the most dire of circumstances, messing with another person's property is rarely acceptable. However, I've compiled a list of circumstances under which I feel that you absolutely must take matters into your own hands and do something.
1. You're over at a friend's house and notice that every single stick of butter he owns is in the refrigerator.
Unacceptable. Every person who lives in a world with butter should know that at least one half of a stick of butter must be left outside of the refrigerator, preferably in a butter tray, or else you're a nazi. Yes, a nazi.
2. You feel an impending thyroid storm coming on and you happen to notice that your roommate has left a quarter of a box of Velveeta uneaten in the refrigerator.
Eat it. I don't care that you've undergone your biggest winter expansion in history and that your boyfriend, who isn't even Jewish like you, meaning he shouldn't be allowed to complain (see nazis, paragraph 3), has begun complaining about your weight. Eat it.
3. Someone has misplaced an apostrophe in the sign for their store.
Ladders were made for a reason. Find one and knock the shit out of that sign. You deserve the satisfaction. Why? Punctuation is important. Period. Period.
Other food emergencies notwithstanding, I'm reasonably certain these are the only reasons you should ever mutilate, modify, or destroy another person's property without his permission.
Go into the world with your newfound knowledge and flourish.
1. You're over at a friend's house and notice that every single stick of butter he owns is in the refrigerator.
Unacceptable. Every person who lives in a world with butter should know that at least one half of a stick of butter must be left outside of the refrigerator, preferably in a butter tray, or else you're a nazi. Yes, a nazi.
2. You feel an impending thyroid storm coming on and you happen to notice that your roommate has left a quarter of a box of Velveeta uneaten in the refrigerator.
Eat it. I don't care that you've undergone your biggest winter expansion in history and that your boyfriend, who isn't even Jewish like you, meaning he shouldn't be allowed to complain (see nazis, paragraph 3), has begun complaining about your weight. Eat it.
3. Someone has misplaced an apostrophe in the sign for their store.
Ladders were made for a reason. Find one and knock the shit out of that sign. You deserve the satisfaction. Why? Punctuation is important. Period. Period.
Other food emergencies notwithstanding, I'm reasonably certain these are the only reasons you should ever mutilate, modify, or destroy another person's property without his permission.
Go into the world with your newfound knowledge and flourish.