FML...

Feb 16, 2011 23:43

 Well, no one will ever believe this...but yeah, here's the truth: After getting back to my place on the 14th...I felt dead inside. I didn't want to move on, but I knew I had to try despite my love. So, naturally, since I wanted to meet new people and am horrible at finding people on campus, I went onto Okcupid.com just like Juli had, b/c well, it seemed to have worked for her. (And my stupid e-harmony account from 2008 costs money that I didn't want to spend.)

So my mind is racing & I can't sleep, so I spend hours answering all of these questions on there & trying to be as honest as possible about everything about me. It gives me 3 matches in my "quiver" (whatever that means, I already forgot)...one horrible, one "eh", & one okay...but the best one was like 64% match....

So today, having not gotten any e-mails with new matches on the site, I go on...I find I can randomly generate matches, right? Well guess what....after like 10 minutes of this, saw one kind of interesting person (maybe okay for a short term thing)...& then like two matches later, here I get matched than none other than the love of my life...Juli! She's over an 80% match!!! The only one I've gotten over 70% (most of them were below 65%)...and she's a 94% friend...*face drops* FML! Seriously...

I go "Wow!" That's crazy...like crazy awesome...and crazy sad...no wonder I love her so much...so I start looking through all the answer questions and comparing and we are so alike or match-up in so many ways it's crazy...so now I officially know one of two things...either I am crazy...or life is crazy & I'm not. Either way, this is just entirely frustrating for said reasons: I've now self-abused myself for like 2 hours with this stuff, I can't contact her to tell her this, and if I did, then she would probably just think I based my answers off of her answers and yeah...

So...now I actually know why I love her...She is the "girl Lee" my mom is always telling me is out there for me. We have a few differences, but that's what makes individuals just that, individuals...At least I have validation for my feelings and can tell my friends that there is actually a reason behind them that is tangible even by a "random matching algorithm"

I guess I'll just have to hope that she sees my profile by doing the same thing I did & maybe that'll knock some sense into her & she'll just come on back sooner to me. One can only hope...

~Lee

PS: As if I hadn't already figured out one way I might have fucked up, and as if Lauren Hicks hadn't already also driven it home...I found out pretty much the biggest mistake I made with Juliann...she wants to contact her significant other "every day" unless theirs a specific reason....so my dropping off the earth randomly....not really good for her. But then again....I need me time and space and don't like talking all the time....but as Lauren already told me, just that sweet text or Facebook update is what she needed. I didn't really do anything wrong...except that....lack of communication is something I definitely went wrong with...and I would fix it right now if she'd talk to me....but now I'm stuck writing letters =(. At least I'm not crying anymore. But the only sleep I had was restless and filled with dreams and thoughts of her. If she talked to me, I would be in much better shape...I guess now I know how she felt when I didn't call, pick-up, or answer back. =/

I'm confident she'll come back eventually though. No one could treat her as well (minus the whole "not calling" thing) or love her as much as I do. Period. And I promise I would call her every day if I got another chance...I'd just be so joyful...my heart aches for her. I was always okay not talking to her everyday b/c I knew she was there waiting for me to be available and that she loved me. Not having her want me is the worst feeling I've pretty much ever experienced (with just like 2 exceptions). I mean, at least she's not dead...there isn't a "crushing" permanence to this...but it is devastating to me nonetheless...

I could go on for hours....must get back to studies....
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In other news...I think I need a new image and a new identity (at least in the short term)....my whole identity right now is based off of "Lee & Juli" or "Juli & Lee"...the "couple" of our friends....part of a whole.....and well...I'm missing my other half right now...and I need to stop thinking of myself in that fashion for my own sanity at least in the short term.

I've been thinking about either "McP" my gangsta name...."Mic" which I've always toyed with...or just taking my middle name (and dad's name) Mike.

I could be "L. Mike Peters" What do people think? Also, I haven't had a drop to drink since I went to bed on the 11th close to midnight....I've been on a cleanse too since then & I've dropped weight from 194.8 to 184.4 lbs....not too shabby, If I do say so myself.

And of course, I have thousands of nick-names...but the sweet one was always:
~Casper
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