you alone are responsible for your own fucking destiny
What is this crazy shit that we call love? Why does being in a relationship change us so much? It just doesn't seem right. This has been plauging me for the past week or so. I don't understand why my wants and desires change when I'm in a relationship versus when I'm single. I can't even tell which one is better. Rob inspires me to do things that I wouldn't consider doing if it weren't for him, but when I'm not with him, I'm happy where I am. When I am with him, I want my life to be different, to be better. When I'm not with him, I appreciate my life for what it is. Which one is better? Should I be striving to improve myself, searching for a better school in a better place and being determined to better myself and my education? Or, should I completly appreciate the life I have and be happy where I am? One thing is the same whether I'm with Rob or not, I fucking hate UCF. I really need to get out of there. I really want to go to a smaller school. When I visit Rob in Baltimore it really makes me miss doing art, and it makes me really want to go to art school. But I don't think I could actually do that, because my parents have given me this idea that I would never make it as an artist and it would be a waste of money to attend an art school. They tell me that it's not really what I want. I really do want it though. I get so jealous of robert. I mean, I'm happy for him and proud of him, but I just hope he realizes how lucky he is. I think art school is like heaven. I would love it so much. You don't have to worry about taking bullshit classes that you don't understand or care about, all of your classes are just art. You wake up, go to class, work on your art for 4-6 hours, go home, work on your art some more... and thats all you have to worry about. I mean, I know there's more to it than that.. but it just seems so great. It's really hard to consentrate on your artwork when you have to worry about economics and anthropology and midterms and research papers... but at art school, your midterms are your artwork... your papers are about artwork. It's so focused. You're surrounded by people who love all the same the things as you, who share the same passions and desires as you. I actually feel guilty for doing as little art as I have been since I started at UCF. It makes me sick to my stomach. I want to get out of Orlando, it's horrible for me. Besides the sunshine and my family, I hate everything about it. How the fuck do I get out of there? How am I going to do this? I guess this is what growing up is like, when you start to realize that you cant listen to everything mommy and daddy tell you and that noone besides yourself is responisble for your life. I have to take complete control of my life, where I am going, what I'm going to do... I just wish it wasn't so difficult. I wish it wasn't so hard.