Feeling Concerned
Justin is apparently having a bad day at work. I don't know what's going on, I don't know what he's thinking or feeling. I mean he seemed perfectly fine just this morning and then he decides that he's in such a bad mood that he doesn't even wanna come pick me up today. Oh i would do ANYTHING for a car right now. I wanna go see him! I wanna like, be able to talk to him and comfort him and know what's going on thru his mind cuz if i asked him on the phone i know he won't tell me. He told me that he needed to "think about his life". God only knows what that means cuz i sure don't. And he assured me that it wasn't about me but it's like, whatever affects him is important to me. I wanna know what he's deciding on doing. I'm wondering if suicidal thoughts are going through his mind?? oh gosh, it's so scary to even think about that. I guess I'm not mad at him. i mean im a lil bummed, yea. I wanted to see him today really bad. And especially if he's gonna have like suicidal thoughts then i definetly wanna be there. I'm so curious as to whats going on in his life. He doesn't really tell me these things. It's hard to keep track of him during the day. I mean he can get up and go as he pleases. Me,... I'm usually at home and he knows where I'm at most of the time. ok, more like 98% of the time. Ugh, this just scares the crap out of me.
I wish i could talk to Becca but she's already at family camp and i cant get a hold of her or email her or anything. Sometimes I do wonder if there's infidelity in the relationship on his side. Probably because I'm kind of low self-esteemed about myself. I wonder a lot if I'm good enough for him. Or if he thinks that (not in a proud way) that if he thinks he's not good enough for me or something so he got himself some georgeous blonde chick that would probably make his dreams come true. And she's probably spoiled and has a car and a job and a life. And she's probably not stuck at home all the time and she probably makes every man's dream come true. While I'm at home, sitting on the computer, venting to a freakin computer, getting drunk every night wondering if there's someway that I could be like that. She probably doesnt go to church and doesnt care about God. She'll tell him that I'm controlling and brain-washed by the church and that I think that I'm better than him. And that I don't love him but I love God only. And God loving Christians couldnt possibly love two things at once. She probably has the perfect body and makes me look like the fat kid next door with freckles and big, fat honkin boobs. Does he love me??? Does he even care that I do truly love him? Cuz I could give everything up in the drop of a heartbeat... I really could, I don't need Justin to survive!!! WHAT DOES HE WANT FROM ME?? WHY DO I HAVE TO BE SO FREAKIN UGLY??? Why cant I just understand him for like 2 seconds?
Ok, I'm crying now so I'm gonna go. I cant see the computer screen very well.
I wish i could talk to Becca but she's already at family camp and i cant get a hold of her or email her or anything. Sometimes I do wonder if there's infidelity in the relationship on his side. Probably because I'm kind of low self-esteemed about myself. I wonder a lot if I'm good enough for him. Or if he thinks that (not in a proud way) that if he thinks he's not good enough for me or something so he got himself some georgeous blonde chick that would probably make his dreams come true. And she's probably spoiled and has a car and a job and a life. And she's probably not stuck at home all the time and she probably makes every man's dream come true. While I'm at home, sitting on the computer, venting to a freakin computer, getting drunk every night wondering if there's someway that I could be like that. She probably doesnt go to church and doesnt care about God. She'll tell him that I'm controlling and brain-washed by the church and that I think that I'm better than him. And that I don't love him but I love God only. And God loving Christians couldnt possibly love two things at once. She probably has the perfect body and makes me look like the fat kid next door with freckles and big, fat honkin boobs. Does he love me??? Does he even care that I do truly love him? Cuz I could give everything up in the drop of a heartbeat... I really could, I don't need Justin to survive!!! WHAT DOES HE WANT FROM ME?? WHY DO I HAVE TO BE SO FREAKIN UGLY??? Why cant I just understand him for like 2 seconds?
Ok, I'm crying now so I'm gonna go. I cant see the computer screen very well.