I'm sorry, old friend
It's been awhile since we've last spoken. I apologize. I've been busy with work, busy with life, and most importantly busy trying not to lose myself.
September has arrived and departed. Enter October. Know thy enemy.
My feelings are the hardest to describe, to deal with, and most importanly understand. My confusion is at an all-time high, or so it seems. I hate not knowing, not being able to understand, and that seems to be the daily norm. I need a change.
Tomorrow, I make the decision. Meds, no meds? Right now, as of the time of this entry, I'm leaning towards no. They've changed me in the past, what's stopping them from changing me again. Maybe I don't know who I used to be, or what I was, but what I do know is that no one liked me on them, I hurt people, people still hurt me, and ultimately I tried in too many ways to destroy myself. Maybe on some level, I'm still trying, but in different ways. I'll have a lot to talk about in therapy tomorrow. My sessions aren't all that soothing, calming, and or seemingly helpful. Waste of time comes to mind. But I'm trying. I make the effort. I acknowledge I can't do this on my own. And CBT is just such a chore lately. I've been hyper so much over the last month, and it's b/c I don't have the strength to balance myself out, and bring me back to the middle. I've just been lazy and let events take me under. Not the best course of action. The biggest problem with CBT is that you need a stable base, and I just don't feel that I have that anymore. I question openly for what I should be thankful, and I take things for granted, yet a few days later everything changes and I'm thankful for different things and taking new things for granted. I'd say it's a cycle, vicious at that, but nothing has repeated itself, so far.
I sit here questioning myself on so much. Maybe these past 2 weeks were an eye opening experience. Overworked, apparently underappreciated, and for the first time since I've lived here, wanting out of Philly. I've tried to find things to make this home, but nothing feels like home right now. The one person I thought I was closest with here is just so different lately, and I don't feel that I can count on him for anything. I feel he lies to me, I'm not sure if I can trust him anymore, yet I blindly love him like a brother. Probably b/c I hate my real brother, and hardly speak to the other one. I know he has his own shit going on, but would it kill him to be more open? This just feels so 1 sided, to the point where I don't want him to know anything, and perhaps to stop caring if he ever did at all. Maybe it's time to let someone else into my life close to me, that maybe I can trust.
I just need to make it to November 2, and the vacation begins. Up to CT for a few days, and then down to FL for almost a week. Recharge the batteries, visit the ones who truly love me, know me, and have been with me thru the best and the worst. Reconnect with my mentor, and figure out my career path. Am I cut out to be a member of the PGA? Do I want to still be in the industry? What's my true calling? Too many questions, not enough answers.
Time to find them.
I'm sorry old friend, I'll do a better job of keeping in touch in the future. I should have reached out sooner. Thanks for listening.
September has arrived and departed. Enter October. Know thy enemy.
My feelings are the hardest to describe, to deal with, and most importanly understand. My confusion is at an all-time high, or so it seems. I hate not knowing, not being able to understand, and that seems to be the daily norm. I need a change.
Tomorrow, I make the decision. Meds, no meds? Right now, as of the time of this entry, I'm leaning towards no. They've changed me in the past, what's stopping them from changing me again. Maybe I don't know who I used to be, or what I was, but what I do know is that no one liked me on them, I hurt people, people still hurt me, and ultimately I tried in too many ways to destroy myself. Maybe on some level, I'm still trying, but in different ways. I'll have a lot to talk about in therapy tomorrow. My sessions aren't all that soothing, calming, and or seemingly helpful. Waste of time comes to mind. But I'm trying. I make the effort. I acknowledge I can't do this on my own. And CBT is just such a chore lately. I've been hyper so much over the last month, and it's b/c I don't have the strength to balance myself out, and bring me back to the middle. I've just been lazy and let events take me under. Not the best course of action. The biggest problem with CBT is that you need a stable base, and I just don't feel that I have that anymore. I question openly for what I should be thankful, and I take things for granted, yet a few days later everything changes and I'm thankful for different things and taking new things for granted. I'd say it's a cycle, vicious at that, but nothing has repeated itself, so far.
I sit here questioning myself on so much. Maybe these past 2 weeks were an eye opening experience. Overworked, apparently underappreciated, and for the first time since I've lived here, wanting out of Philly. I've tried to find things to make this home, but nothing feels like home right now. The one person I thought I was closest with here is just so different lately, and I don't feel that I can count on him for anything. I feel he lies to me, I'm not sure if I can trust him anymore, yet I blindly love him like a brother. Probably b/c I hate my real brother, and hardly speak to the other one. I know he has his own shit going on, but would it kill him to be more open? This just feels so 1 sided, to the point where I don't want him to know anything, and perhaps to stop caring if he ever did at all. Maybe it's time to let someone else into my life close to me, that maybe I can trust.
I just need to make it to November 2, and the vacation begins. Up to CT for a few days, and then down to FL for almost a week. Recharge the batteries, visit the ones who truly love me, know me, and have been with me thru the best and the worst. Reconnect with my mentor, and figure out my career path. Am I cut out to be a member of the PGA? Do I want to still be in the industry? What's my true calling? Too many questions, not enough answers.
Time to find them.
I'm sorry old friend, I'll do a better job of keeping in touch in the future. I should have reached out sooner. Thanks for listening.