(non)CONFORMity
I resigned my church two weeks ago Sunday.
This has been the culmination of the last six-ish years. In the beginning I didn't know that it was going this way. When I was 15 years old I answered a call to preach. I felt in my soul that I was led by God to preach the gospel. I thought I was going to do amazing things. I thought I was going to travel and preach and people would be moved by God to give their heart over to him etc. That never happened. I did begin to get a small name for myself with a couple of churches, but nothing ever as grand as preaching a revival, or anything like that. I did learn to speak and to sort of work a crowd. I took an interim pastor job at Belchers Chapel (belcher is a name in this instance, not an action) I had already been preaching on the street corners, and in the nursing home, doing door to door work, and all of that. I figured this was my next step. I traveled North to candidate at a church in Logansport, IN and it went well, but they passed on us. I nearly was looked at by another couple of churches in Lee Co. I was taught that when it came time to pastor I had to move away. I went to a church in Campbellsburg, IN. They liked us, they wanted us back, but it fell through. By this time I already had my Associate's in Theology, I was working on a Bachelor's from Calvary Baptist "College", neither accredited, and had started at MECC. I had been asked to leave Belcher's chapel in a very bad way. (That I instigated on bad advice from the guy who was supposed to advise me.)
We moved to Norfolk, failed and came back, I was told my wife was running my marriage and that was what was wrong. I was told that I needed to sit under some preaching just attend at Calvary, and I declined. I got back in the pulpit, and I preached. I was busy almost every Sunday. Annie continued her education, and she did something I didn't see coming, she rebelled, against church, against baptists, against the mold she had forced her self into. Her story is her story and if she wanted to tell it she could. I thought everything was falling apart, it was 2019 at this point I was pastoring at Elcomb by this point. I remember driving up to Indiana for my dad's birthday and thinking for the five hours up there that I was was unsure where my marriage and my ministry was headed. I felt alone. I took another semester of college, took an english class that had a very heavy focus on critical thinking. It changed my life, that coupled with a friend at work challenging everything I ever believed with valid solid arguments. Then the pandemic and all the stupid religious bull that came with it. From the end times, to ending vaccines, the church crowd really showed how belligerent most of them are. I began to feel alienated by the whole system that I was entrenched in. I saw my dad paranoid and hateful about an orange idiot that my family has come to idolize.
My dad died.
I had spent years trying to emulate him, and follow his example always seeking his validation and always watching it fall on my brother, or a cousin, or any other place it seemed than me or my sister. That sounds incredibly whiney, but it is what it is. My church called me on the Sunday after my dad's funeral confused as to why I hadn't found a fill in. I had forgotten, completely. They didn't mean any harm in it, but it stuck with me. I came back and buried myself in church and work, and then Jan. 6 happened. I had big debates on facebook about how stupid trump was. I even lumped Biden in there too. My beliefs were shifting. The path that Annie had started on years before, now was open to me and I started. Now three and a half years later I resigned my church two weeks ago, and I feel like now, I can breathe. I don't feel guilty for filling the pulpit and telling people things that I am unsure of.
I have learned that the only repeatable outcome from my time in the ministry is I failed time and again in things that I should have had no problem with. I'm not saying it is a bad thing, just a thing that happened. I learned that you can count on christians to turn on you when you fail to meet their idea of who you are, what you believe, and how you present yourself. I also learned that when push comes to shove every pastor I ever trusted caves to his wife(even if he pretends otherwise), his own desires, or money. Resigning the church isn't something I took lightly, my whole identity for the last, well as long as I can remember, has one way or another been tied to it. It was something that needed to be done.
Snooch to the Nooch and Oobie Scoobies.
This has been the culmination of the last six-ish years. In the beginning I didn't know that it was going this way. When I was 15 years old I answered a call to preach. I felt in my soul that I was led by God to preach the gospel. I thought I was going to do amazing things. I thought I was going to travel and preach and people would be moved by God to give their heart over to him etc. That never happened. I did begin to get a small name for myself with a couple of churches, but nothing ever as grand as preaching a revival, or anything like that. I did learn to speak and to sort of work a crowd. I took an interim pastor job at Belchers Chapel (belcher is a name in this instance, not an action) I had already been preaching on the street corners, and in the nursing home, doing door to door work, and all of that. I figured this was my next step. I traveled North to candidate at a church in Logansport, IN and it went well, but they passed on us. I nearly was looked at by another couple of churches in Lee Co. I was taught that when it came time to pastor I had to move away. I went to a church in Campbellsburg, IN. They liked us, they wanted us back, but it fell through. By this time I already had my Associate's in Theology, I was working on a Bachelor's from Calvary Baptist "College", neither accredited, and had started at MECC. I had been asked to leave Belcher's chapel in a very bad way. (That I instigated on bad advice from the guy who was supposed to advise me.)
We moved to Norfolk, failed and came back, I was told my wife was running my marriage and that was what was wrong. I was told that I needed to sit under some preaching just attend at Calvary, and I declined. I got back in the pulpit, and I preached. I was busy almost every Sunday. Annie continued her education, and she did something I didn't see coming, she rebelled, against church, against baptists, against the mold she had forced her self into. Her story is her story and if she wanted to tell it she could. I thought everything was falling apart, it was 2019 at this point I was pastoring at Elcomb by this point. I remember driving up to Indiana for my dad's birthday and thinking for the five hours up there that I was was unsure where my marriage and my ministry was headed. I felt alone. I took another semester of college, took an english class that had a very heavy focus on critical thinking. It changed my life, that coupled with a friend at work challenging everything I ever believed with valid solid arguments. Then the pandemic and all the stupid religious bull that came with it. From the end times, to ending vaccines, the church crowd really showed how belligerent most of them are. I began to feel alienated by the whole system that I was entrenched in. I saw my dad paranoid and hateful about an orange idiot that my family has come to idolize.
My dad died.
I had spent years trying to emulate him, and follow his example always seeking his validation and always watching it fall on my brother, or a cousin, or any other place it seemed than me or my sister. That sounds incredibly whiney, but it is what it is. My church called me on the Sunday after my dad's funeral confused as to why I hadn't found a fill in. I had forgotten, completely. They didn't mean any harm in it, but it stuck with me. I came back and buried myself in church and work, and then Jan. 6 happened. I had big debates on facebook about how stupid trump was. I even lumped Biden in there too. My beliefs were shifting. The path that Annie had started on years before, now was open to me and I started. Now three and a half years later I resigned my church two weeks ago, and I feel like now, I can breathe. I don't feel guilty for filling the pulpit and telling people things that I am unsure of.
I have learned that the only repeatable outcome from my time in the ministry is I failed time and again in things that I should have had no problem with. I'm not saying it is a bad thing, just a thing that happened. I learned that you can count on christians to turn on you when you fail to meet their idea of who you are, what you believe, and how you present yourself. I also learned that when push comes to shove every pastor I ever trusted caves to his wife(even if he pretends otherwise), his own desires, or money. Resigning the church isn't something I took lightly, my whole identity for the last, well as long as I can remember, has one way or another been tied to it. It was something that needed to be done.
Snooch to the Nooch and Oobie Scoobies.