T H A N K Y O U and random thoughts about politeness and manners
Thank you! If someone doesn't thank you for a favor that you do or when you give them something, is your first thought “Where is your thank you?”And do you automatically assume that this person is impolite? Has no manners?
If that person who doesn't thank you happens to be a child, do you think to yourself: “What kind of parents does he have?!” or “What kind of household did he grow in?!”
In one of the schools I work at, I have a lunch duty. In this school the staff (or maybe the principal) like things to be in order as much as possible. Therefore they don't want their kids wondering around the lunchroom when they need forks/spoons/tissue/ketchup. Instead, the person who is on duty (me in this case) wears a blue apron with various size pockets. These pockets are stuffed with everything a child who is eating lunch needs if s/he forgot to get it in the first place.
During the 30 minutes of lunch I walk around and give out, oh, I don't know, maybe 30, maybe 50 spoons/forks/napkins. Do you want to guess how many “thank you's” I get? No matter what you guess, bring the number down. I get maybe 10 thank yous's, some days more like 2-3 thank you's. Mostly from girls.
I told this story recently to a secretary at my other school as we were greeting students upon arrival. We were standing in the lobby. The buses were dropping off kids, they were coming in, sometimes as a thick crowd, sometimes a few at a times. The secretary (very pleasant woman) was constantly saying “hello” to this crowd. She was also expecting to hear “hello” in response.
Not many kids were saying “hello.” Some were still a little sleepy, many were occupied with their thoughts, others just didn't feel like it. Very few kids actually said “hello” to her. When I told her about the “thank you” observations, she said it's not right that the kids were not saying thank you. It's impolite, they should be thanking me for giving them a fork or a napkin. I told her that I hardly imagine how I can extract thank you from them.
To prove her point to me, she started saying “hello” to the crowd and did everything possible to get a response from as many kids as she could. She would look at the child, repeat “Hello!” a few times. If that didn't work, she would try to “reason” with him/her: “ You should say hello! Hey, guys, when someone tells you hello, you should answer!” She didn't sound like a gendarme (жандарм) when she said it. She really is a pleasant woman who loves kids. To my surprise, quite a few kids, who didn't feel like saying 'hi' actually did say 'hi' after her reminders.
I imagine her doing lunch duty at my other school. She would probably remind kids to say “thank you” every time she hands them in a fork or a napkin. She would remind them again and again until the kids would remember and start thanking her.
That's the story.
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My take on it:
I personally don't believe that kids who ask me for a fork or a tissue are being impolite when they don't thank me. They have already asked me politely, most of them, anyway: Can I please have a napkin? Who said that she has to thank me after that too! Well, I don't think so. I know many others would disagree with me.
I don't know how to explain my point. It's very possible that if a kiddo asking me for a fork was sitting alone in the room, he would've thanked me afterwards. However, in the caffeteria, with all the kids around him, the same kiddo doesn't remember to say “thank you.” To me, it's not a sign of impoliteness.
Most children with special needs that I work with one on one often forget to say thank you and please.
They are not being rude, they often forget about those words as they are often lost in their own thoughts and feelings. In my opinion it doesn't look rude or impolite.
About my son Dennis
Maybe I think that because my own son is this way. I'm already used to it. No matter how much I teach Dennis manners and to be polite , he still forgets the basics. Although he often does behave politely and remembers his manners when he is not at home. It's hard to predict when he would remember his politeness or when he forgets.
There used to be a period of time when I was embarrassed of my own son's behavior for that reason. I was "cured" of my embarrassment by the letter of my friend whose son is autistic. She is the kind of person who treats most people and their behavior with amazing tolerance.
Here is my letter to her:
R, tell me please, truthfully, when Dennis is without me, does he still makes an impression of a person with bad manners? Do you remember him saying thank you, excuse me, etc.?
When he was little, he picked up that stuff so naturally, I didn't have to worry. I don't know what happened now, after he turned 8, when I am present that's exactly how he behaves. I need to find out if he is like that without me, then maybe, have some social dynamic sessions with him :)
Her answer:
Dennis does not come across as having bad manners. He doesn't volunteer a lot of thank yous, I think he did say it once, but he is a respectful and cheerful boy with a great sense of humor and an inquisitive mind. He seems to take after you a whole lot! When someone is pleasant to be around, you don't notice omission of manners so much.
I like that phase “When someone is pleasant to be around, you don't notice omission of manners so much.” That's exactly how I feel when I deal with kids with special needs (either diagnosed or not) and they don't have proper manners.
15 января, 2016 г
Thank You Police