(no subject)
i'm going to call this the other half of the post i made yesterday. i forgot to mention that even though everything school wise is going smoothly and great, that my personal 'inside my head' life hasn't been going that great.
i feel like i've really been losing control of my emotions. especially with anger, it's hard for me to get a little peaved with something, without my emotions completely raging into a furious anger, and i have absolutely no clue why. i really would like to keep my anger in check but it seems like it's getting harder and harder to do that, i don't even have anything to be angry about for christs sake. the only thing i can really point a pin on(and yes, it's the easiest pin to point) is depression. ever since i was 13 i've had horribly bad bouts of depression that wander to and fro my life. lately my depression has been scaring me, it's intensified, to the point where i'd like to seek help of a psychiatrist. i've been thinking about killing myself a lot, it's something that i'll never do, but the fact that the thought comes into my head even when i've had an awesome, happy day scares me. why would i even think about that? it's a reoccurring thought of grabbing my glock, putting it in my mouth and pulling the trigger. it's sort of like a daydream when i'm lying in bed before i go to sleep. i'm thinking about selling my gun, and not buying another one, which pains me to say because i really do enjoy going out and shooting, but keeping that gun is a dormant risk for myself.
well as depressing as all that is there is a happier side to my emotional control loss. i keep thinking about the radiohead concert last month. how breathtakingly awesome it was, i never thought i could ever be so touched by a live performance. i always made fun of people i saw crying in concerts, like that stupid little girl crying because of sanjayas live performance on american idol. but man, i seriously almost started bawling at that concert, when they played pyramid song, how to disappear completely, and street spirit. especially how to disappear completely, man, that was tough one to hold in the tears, such a beautiful song, and when it's right in front of you live i guess it's just a little over whelming. well anyway my point is that every time i think about that performance i can't stop myself from tearing up a little and getting all goosebumpy. i can't control it, and as happy as that experience was for me, i'm bothered by my lack of self control.
at any rate i'm thinking about trying to get on an anti-depressant. anybody have any recommendations? if i can't control my own emotions maybe a little mind numbing pill will do the trick. i could probably afford it too if i hadn't have bought that laptop haha, oh well i'm still going to look into it.
one other aspect of my life worth mentioning is that i made a serious cut in caffeine consumption in my life. no more energy drinks, caffeine free soda, decaf coffee, the works. i really felt like for a while i started to get addicted to caffeine, and i don't like addictions of any sort. as you probably just read, i like to be in control of myself, and addictions are a loss in control. kicking caffeine is working out pretty good, i haven't had any caffeine in about a month and a half. well that's not true, i drank one energy drink last week, i'm not sure why, it was the first caffeine i've had in a while and my stomach was empty, i got jittery as fuck, i couldn't stop my hands from shaking.
i'm going to try and start posting more regularly so when i do make posts they won't be epically large.
-randy
i feel like i've really been losing control of my emotions. especially with anger, it's hard for me to get a little peaved with something, without my emotions completely raging into a furious anger, and i have absolutely no clue why. i really would like to keep my anger in check but it seems like it's getting harder and harder to do that, i don't even have anything to be angry about for christs sake. the only thing i can really point a pin on(and yes, it's the easiest pin to point) is depression. ever since i was 13 i've had horribly bad bouts of depression that wander to and fro my life. lately my depression has been scaring me, it's intensified, to the point where i'd like to seek help of a psychiatrist. i've been thinking about killing myself a lot, it's something that i'll never do, but the fact that the thought comes into my head even when i've had an awesome, happy day scares me. why would i even think about that? it's a reoccurring thought of grabbing my glock, putting it in my mouth and pulling the trigger. it's sort of like a daydream when i'm lying in bed before i go to sleep. i'm thinking about selling my gun, and not buying another one, which pains me to say because i really do enjoy going out and shooting, but keeping that gun is a dormant risk for myself.
well as depressing as all that is there is a happier side to my emotional control loss. i keep thinking about the radiohead concert last month. how breathtakingly awesome it was, i never thought i could ever be so touched by a live performance. i always made fun of people i saw crying in concerts, like that stupid little girl crying because of sanjayas live performance on american idol. but man, i seriously almost started bawling at that concert, when they played pyramid song, how to disappear completely, and street spirit. especially how to disappear completely, man, that was tough one to hold in the tears, such a beautiful song, and when it's right in front of you live i guess it's just a little over whelming. well anyway my point is that every time i think about that performance i can't stop myself from tearing up a little and getting all goosebumpy. i can't control it, and as happy as that experience was for me, i'm bothered by my lack of self control.
at any rate i'm thinking about trying to get on an anti-depressant. anybody have any recommendations? if i can't control my own emotions maybe a little mind numbing pill will do the trick. i could probably afford it too if i hadn't have bought that laptop haha, oh well i'm still going to look into it.
one other aspect of my life worth mentioning is that i made a serious cut in caffeine consumption in my life. no more energy drinks, caffeine free soda, decaf coffee, the works. i really felt like for a while i started to get addicted to caffeine, and i don't like addictions of any sort. as you probably just read, i like to be in control of myself, and addictions are a loss in control. kicking caffeine is working out pretty good, i haven't had any caffeine in about a month and a half. well that's not true, i drank one energy drink last week, i'm not sure why, it was the first caffeine i've had in a while and my stomach was empty, i got jittery as fuck, i couldn't stop my hands from shaking.
i'm going to try and start posting more regularly so when i do make posts they won't be epically large.
-randy